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#71545 - 10/15/02 11:57 AM Re: help.............
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Thank you all for your support and conern...especially abcd.....i think you hit the most poignant issue on the head, i just with i could live with that...it is kind of like the serenity prayer, living with what we cannot understand....THAT is impossible for me, i question everything....i guess it seemed like i am questioning my sexuality, and i guess i still am.....but the biggest issue i'm dealing with at this point is determining if the sexual abuse occurred or if it is all a figment of my imagination....that is why my fantasy at 5 holds such significance to me...I KNOW THAT IS TRUE.....i'm not sure what else i really know to be true.....I always thought guys who abused kids were gay, that is why i never let myself believe that my uncle abused me, although i knew he abused my female cousin and tried to abuse my sister......i know i almost abused a couple of little boys when i was 15, thank god i had the strength or fear not to....if i thought i messed somebody up emotionally as bad as i feel i am messed up emotionally, i would not live with that.....I guess i'm searching for a sence of peace and acceptance that will probably never come, but this is my quest at this point in my life....my therapist thinks i need to come to terms with this, otherwise, my self-hatred will continue to dominate my life....i'm not sure i can accept the truth, but i guess i need to know it.....i've just been running from the truth???? for so long......i have continuous nightmares of walking down a country road, i'm 5 or so....a car approaches and a man inside asks me if i'd like a ride....i never see his face, only a lit cigarette.....i'm terrified, i just begin running and never stop.....I JUST WANT TO STOP RUNNING.........michael


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#71546 - 10/16/02 01:55 AM Re: help.............
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Peace - Michael
I have dreams like that too, but I know who is chasing me...
I too want to stop running
(in my dreams and in my life!)
Hang in there and keep searching, we are not alone!
Ron


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#71547 - 10/16/02 02:05 AM Re: help.............
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
MichaelB:

It's okay...we're running with you \:\) Yeah, you're just trying to figure out stuff as we all are (though in your case you're trying to figure out if the abuse ever happened rather than the details of the abuse--let me say though that that thought did once cross my mind as well). While that is now settled for me, many more questions arise...much like yours--as in, why you had certain thoughts at certain times, which happened first, why things are the way they are now. I hear ya...you're trying to finally figure stuff out--it itches at you much like when you can't remember someone's name or whatever. Only here, it's perhaps 1,000 times more important. We are all trying to do that as well.

The unfortunate thing is that we may do it a little too much. What we should keep in mind sometimes is that what we may be looking for is truly not that important to begin with or it's one that we can use to be whatever we want it to be anyway--that is, it need not be a controlling factor in our life on which everything is contingent. Okay...So say maybe you're abused, okay. So, you try to live your life as you are now, speaking with people about it and trying to untangle certain aspects of your life. Npw, what if you weren't abused? Okay, too. It does not really make a difference in the grand scheme of things. So perhaps your imagination (which I doubt) somehow created this. Still, you seem to suffer from the same problems as those who have been abused. Thus, what do you do? The same thing you would do if you were abused.

The point here is that you really sometimes have to focus on the here and now, and keep things in perspective. You sit now wondering about what happened in your past...something that I truly think no one may be able to figure out.

Now, I know you have dreams about the future--we all do. You've pictured it before...now, figure out on how to get there rather than always looking back. While the past is important, it need not control your future. If you keep obsessing and focusing on the past too much, you may look back at this time you spend on it now asking whatever you did on those past years of your life which you could have been using to well...rather than just mere contemplation, to actually "live life."

Listen...I do not mean to trivialize your question, it is an important one, but one thing I have realized in my life is that life is so preciously short. We have to enjoy it while we are in it. Have faith...sometimes the answers will come to you in the end anyway without you looking so hard for it. Just do what you can now and focus on what you know to be good.


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#71548 - 10/17/02 07:43 PM Re: help.............
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
ABCD.....thank you for your insight....unfortunately my task just became much more difficult because my therapist of a year and a half told me today he had found another position...I'm really not sure i can begin talking about all this stuff all over again....Is it really worth IT?????? i'm getting to my rope's end, it just seems so much easier to just give up......fighting has taken such a toll on me for so long....i really think happiness is impossible for me.....so why continue this struggle????? it is really difficult to see why the struggle is worthwile......I'll write you back more later, i'm just very scattered today.....loosing my therapist has upset me very much more than i realized......thanks for being here....michael


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#71549 - 10/17/02 08:55 PM Re: help.............
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Michael,

I hear ya, man...still, since when was your therapist TRULY the controller of your happiness. Don't get me wrong, I've recently started seeing a therapist (was too scared before), but if you're like me (and I think you probably are), you've been handling this stuff on your own for some time. What the therapist does is listens to you and helps you sort things out, but truly, a lot of the work was well...done by YOU. You're the one who went and found help. Trust me, you'll be okay...there might be some delay, but I'm sure there'll be a therapist available for you. As professionals, they probably will also be able to help you have a nice transition to a new therapist. It's bound to happen anyway (much like when someone gets a new dentist or new physician). Sure, there are some intricacies and some adjustment, but it'll be just fine...sometimes, it might even be much better (especially if you had progressed a little bit b4 with your old therapist). Of course, I'm not saying this is easy--change always is a little tough especially for us--still, you've been through so much already and gone this far. You'll handle this one. Hang in there bud...here's some words from a U2 song for you...

"If your way should falter along the stony path...it's just a moment this time will pass"

Take it easy bud...and hang in there ;\)


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#71550 - 10/18/02 09:04 PM Re: help.............
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
ABCD.....my therapist is not the controller of my happiness.....what my therapist has been to me though is my anchor....telling my family and friends of my abuse has driven them away, if they ever were really there for me....my bitch mother has convinced my entire family that the abuse cannot be true....don't you know???? she was a perfect mother.....nothing is ever about anybody else but herself....only she has feelings, no one else's are valid....she has used this controlling device of dividing and conquering for a long time...hell, i'll fallen victim to outcasting my brother and sisters because she was angry at them.....I HAVE NO SUPPORT SYSTEM!!!!!!!.....my only support has been my therapist and soon he will be gone......what few friends i do have are so self-absorbed that i rarely confide in them because all they do is try to top my feelings with their own....Maybe now you understand my panic where my therapist is concerned...I refuse to go back into a hospital......I just feel like so many barriers against suicide have or are disappearing for me and that is my only real option....I refuse to keep living if this is all there is.....i guess i need to tell you that about 4 years ago i shut myself up in my house and only went to the grocery store once every couple of weeks....i laid in bed crying hours on hours just hoping i would die in my sleep or that i would muster the courage to slit my wrists.....i see myself deteriorating back to that state and i cannot tolerate that again.....i was like that for almost a year before i pulled myself together to try to live.......i just cannot think about this anymore right now....HAPPINESS??????????? what is happiness????? i do not know his name or face.....michael


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#71551 - 10/29/02 11:02 PM Re: help.............
Mark R Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 29
Loc: Palm Springs, CA
Michael....You do have some people who support you...we are here. Keep writing. I've been through much of what you talk about. I am seeing a therapist again now. I have few friends, am so very lonely, but refuse to let it all get the better of me. If you need to write more please feel free res054dv@gte.net. It sounds like you have survived a lot in your life...even the 4 years of isolation. You will survive. We are all here for that very reason


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#71552 - 10/31/02 09:04 PM Re: help.............
Mark R Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 29
Loc: Palm Springs, CA
I was just thinking about you and hope you are doing ok. Please don't be too hard on yourself, take a breath now and then and write if you need to talk. Take care. Mark


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#71553 - 11/03/02 09:38 AM Re: help.............
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
As a friend I want to remind you I am still waiting for a call, it is ok to call Michael.

I will not be harmed by a phone call. I want you to call, this week is teacher conferences, I will be home around 7pm, tues I teach college.

give me a Call ok it is ok Love

your friend and fellow brother Michael

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#71554 - 11/03/02 10:10 AM Re: help.............
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Michael,

Sorry if I concluded certain things about you that aren't true. I'm not quite so experienced at this yet, man, and sometimes, I'm just limping along. Still,regarding your problems--"scars" I'd like to call them. Well, scars...we can all compare scars bro. Some are deeper than others. I can't tell you how much I've repeatedly fallen, how much I've essentially repeatedly abused myself. You have no idea the things I've said to people--what my almost "split" personality has become. Like you, I am also "alone" to a certain degree. To be honest, I'm not sure what's more frustrating...being completely down and out, or being up, way up and just about really happy, but then seeing yourself fall down and potentially wreck everything. If you start from up top, you can go deeper than you can imagine, but you start from the bottom, you can only go up. I know that is highly metaphorical, but let me explain.

At this point, my life is actually well...hell--at least in regards to this abuse. Very few people know about it nor my homosexual/bisexual tendencies, and how often do I feel like such a hypocrite. I am a fairly intelligent person on a path to do some good things, if I say so myself. Even in love, I feel that I have some traits which are ideal in finding say the perfect man or woman. Still, I feel that as a result of the abuse, I have a huge gaping hole inside of me, one that can suck everything in and destroy everything that I've worked so hard for. Sometimes, I feel like somewhat of a nymphomaniac even--though I've been working as best as I can to control it.

This I know has been so debilitating for me. Already I have seen certain "cracks" in the infrastructure of my life, and I'm losing that stability that I so desperately need. If I lose it completely, I know I'll spiral down faster than I've ever spiralled down before. It is so frustrating, Michael to seem so happy--to laugh with friends, to accomplish so much, to be with family...when deep inside there is this whole inside of you and an anxiety that everything can be destroyed. I realize that perhaps you don't have this infrastructure even, but to be honest, I do not kow that we are in such different positions. We have all been abused Michael, and to some degrees we are abusing ourselves.

We've all been through spirals...huge ones, but we have to hang in there. I need you to hang in there, just as you would want me to hang in here. Don't give up. I notice that you said you have a confusion of your sexuality...well, only now am I starting to embrace it or at least testing it out, but I've got a huge mountain to crawl up to. Regardless of whether or not I go up this road, I know I'll need someone like you who has been going through the same stuff. Please hang in there Mike--I need you to...YOU need yourself to. After everything you've been through, don't give up now.

Btw, if you want to write me directly about some of your probs, post a private message to me and I'll do the best I can with a semi-prompt response ;\) .


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