hi asher,

thanks for sharing your experiences and your words of encouragement. it sounds like you have gone through (or are still in some ways experiencing) a lot of similar things.

i am trying to keep things going at my own pace, to not be pressured to speed things up (as i had allowed myself to be in past situations, with disastrous results for me -- shut down, resentment, hating myself, etc). i too have met those boys who don't get it, boys who have not understood me and have tried to pressure me into doing things i wasn't ready for. and sometimes i had sex and did things i was hating inside just so other people wouldn't think i was a freak. this time i am trying to listen to my inner voice and be okay with the fact that i'm not on everyone else's timetable, i'm on MINE, and that's okay. i still worry about my boyfriend losing patience, i know it's easy to just think that there a lot of guys out there who don't have these problems, getting laid isn't an issue for many gay men, and who needs to put up with all the crap that i'm trying to clean out of my life? but then i remind myself that he's still here, that even though i feel that my abuse has touched every part of my life and has profoundly affected who i am, i am more than the abuse -- i am a person with feelings, and desires, someone who has a sense of humour, who cares about his friends, someone who is creative and can occasionally muster up the energy to give of myself and make a difference. all these things are also me. and i think my boyfriend sees these things in me too.

i don't have a crystal ball. i don't know how things will turn out for me or for us. but for now, i'm going to keep trying to confront the things that hold me back and keep going until i get closer to the place i imagine i want to be.

I am so pleased and excited to see your progress. you are taking chances and it seems to be working for you.!! Keep trusting yourself. best wishes for an exciting ride. chuck

Part of your post took me back to when I was a teenager.
I responded to my abuse just like you did. I still hate that part. I still don't understand it.
I wish we could break down the wall between gay and straight survivors, because even though I'm straight, I've had identical experiences and problems.
I hope I'm not intruding on you guys. Your insight and honesty are something I really need right now.
Devon

This is a lie:
Friend : There is a master and slave in every relationship

This is a lie:
Friend : You were abused because you were cute.

This is a lie:
Parents : Why are you crying? Boys dont cry.

This is a lie:
Abuser : He is crying because he fell off the wall/fence.

This is a lie:
Friend : You will die alone.

This is a lie:
Parents : You are irresponsible.

This is a lie:
Parents : Shame on you. Are you a guy or a girl!

This is a lie:
Parents : You cant be trusted.