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#71447 - 05/13/02 11:29 PM Before or After? Cause or Because?
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Hey guys I have a question. I don't know what I am to label myself... depends on the day and who walks by whether I feel Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, or simply asexual. I do tend to feel that I am gay, but I have never had a relationship or had sex since my abuse ended at age 13. I wonder if I was gay at birth and maybe my abuser saw that in me even at age 9 and that is why he chose me? Or are my gay feelings a result of the abuse by another male as my first and only sexual experience?
Do any of you all feel like this or have similar questions? Do any of you have any advice that might help me sort this all out?
Thanks,
Ron


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#71448 - 05/14/02 09:37 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
I have the same conflict Ron, and have asked myself the same questions. Always looking back into the past, wondering if that is the cause of what feel like strong compulsions.
A couple of times, I have been so sure of being one or the other, then another crumb of truth gets dropped on my head and I'm back to square one. One day I will know.

Do you think you're trying to decide this so you can blame or vindicate yourself though? I know that is wrapped up in the process with me. The acting out continues for me and I guess I'll know the answer when it stops.
Until then, I know that what happened to me, regardless of whatever my sexuality is, was wrong. They had no right to do that to me.


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#71449 - 05/14/02 11:28 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
hello guys. Yes, what was done to us is AND always be wrong. We ALL have time I had troouble accepting that fact. For me it took some fifty (50) years to accept. However, about eleven (11) years ago I came up with the phrase - "I am what I am, please understand me." If people I meet along the way don't accept that fact, then TOUGH SHIT FOR THEM. I consider myself BETTER THAN THEM. I realize that that fact is a continuing act, but what I do not understand is why the hell does it continue to get worse? Thanks for listening. Bos


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#71450 - 05/14/02 01:40 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I've been married 28 years, never had the urge to chase other women ( even if I have been chased occasionally \:o ) and like most guys I love to watch a pretty girl go by, just because I'm on a diet- I can still look at the menu !
I have never looked at another man in the same way though, never thought of any other guy in a sexual way, so I guess I'm "straight"
So why do I still fantasize about sex acts with other men ? I've tried them all as a kid and at the height of my acting out tried them again. I don't like them. But the fantasy STILL remains, and seems to be the only one that works.
I'm confused, but among survivors this kind of confusion seems all too common.
My belief is that being gay or straight has much more to do with the feeling of going weak at the knees at the sight of someone, feelings of attraction and love, rather than feelings of lust.

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71451 - 05/15/02 08:49 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
I'm pretty sure the acting out I experience is directly connected to what happened so many years ago. It seems to center specifically on the kinds of acts performed.

It gets a little wrenching though, because that feeling of compulsion is very strong, pervasive and convincing while its around. It always drops me in a bucket of shame when its done with me though.
When I see a pretty woman (or a woman with a nice ass) something stirs in me. But when I see guys on the street, nothing does. It only seems to come out of that feeling which feels like a compulsion. Almost like its looking for something.


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#71452 - 05/15/02 12:41 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Spider-Man, I thought Iwas the ONLY guy in the universe who thought that way for over 30 years. And as much as I hate the thought of others having experienced what I did, It's so good not to be alone.
And with a whole lot of work it's getting better for me, but it's slow and I hate being on my own, that's when the crazies climb the walls .
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71453 - 05/15/02 02:40 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hits the nail on the head....After being abused I didn't have sex with anyone for 15 years...didn't even consider being gay...didn't like men...so I got married. Now I fantasize having sex with men all the time but in person...I hate them....Why..am I just afraid of myself????? Sex can be wonderfull at times and drive you nuts too? Last night I acted it out again with my wife fisting me...kinda sore but happy????? I feel that if you are a male SA survivor...you should have a hard core acting it out way..on the side to go to when needed. Like Tinfoil said about have a huge ass if you were raped lots while a child...well, it's true! Hey, but what's with this fantasizing gay sex and not being able to cum with out it????????

Eddie

[ May 17, 2002: Message edited by: getteddie ]


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#71454 - 05/15/02 07:20 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
well for me I can't act out with my wife, two reasons- 1 she hasn't got a dick, so I can't do blow jobs and 2, the most important thing, so far I've kept all my acting out seperate from her, she knows all about what I've done in the past and what my fantasies are.
Also I don't think I could handle the guilt trip. When I was acting out it drove me to the edge of suicide,( we aint got your kind of firepower over here Tinfoil, it's the vacuum hose on the tailpipe- no class at all eh ? ) It's a major fuck up acting out, and I was extremely lucky that I kept my two lives so seperate, and the "normal" life more or less stayed that way. And with my wifes incredible understanding that's more or less how it stayed, life aint the same that's for sure, but it's better.
My old split life is going, the acting out part is slowly fading and I mustn't let it bleed into what's left. And it's the same with the fantasy, I hate it because I know where it came from, I know it's a false fantasy because I've been there, done that, and I don't like it. I actually had a fantasy come true a few years ago and it was so dissapointing, and the guilt so much worse. The problem is that it's so insidious and just sits there waiting to torment me. When we have sex it creeps in and ruins it, so do I accept the fantasy ? It's an option, but the fantasy is what led me into acting out many years ago and the thought of that happening again scares the shit out of me.
I'm rapidly heading for asexuality, and that's not what I want.
Fuck me- I'm all confused now !!!!

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71455 - 05/15/02 09:56 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Ron and all of you guys too,

The acting out result of the abuse that happened to me is like I'm trying to replicate the abuse but in a situation where I feel like I'm in control and not being forced into doing something. It's insidious really because the exact opposite is the truth, it's still compulsive. I didn't tell anyone about the abuse for 38 years, not even my wife. I used to get into really dark moods, spiral down and act out, which just made me feel worse afterwards. I always regretted it and always told myself that I'd never do it again. I felt that I was two separate entities and one didn't affect the other.

I've learned a lot about myself in the 4 years since I started dealing with it. My wife knows about the abuse, she even knows about how I acted out in the past and she knows that I'm struggling with it now. It almost destroyed our now 32 years together but we survived it and have gotten to understand each other better. I haven't been perfect, I've slipped a few times since I told her but I've always played very safe 'cause that's what I'm most afraid of. It's becoming less of an influence on my day to day life and I know it will always be there to some extent. And I'll always have the lingering question, 'what would my life be like if it didn't happen?' The question of my sexuality, in my mind, is not black and white but all sorts of subtle shades of grey. The confusion just won't go away but it is getting less intrusive.

I feel a whole lot better about myself now than I did a year ago or 4 years ago. I have hope and I sincerely believe that there is hope for all of us. I'm glad that I found this place.

Take good care of yourselves,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#71456 - 05/16/02 08:59 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
It is good to know you're not alone. I remember when I first came here, lurking in the background and reading posts, it was salve to know that I wasn't the only one going through this. That bit of knowledge goes a long way.
I had these compulsions before I remembered and couldn't figure out where the hell they were coming from. Then I remembered and I looked at it and went 'oh'.

Quote:
Originally posted by Lloydy:
Spider-Man, I thought Iwas the ONLY guy in the universe who thought that way for over 30 years. And as much as I hate the thought of others having experienced what I did, It's so good not to be alone.
And with a whole lot of work it's getting better for me, but it's slow and I hate being on my own, that's when the crazies climb the walls .
Lloydy



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