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#71457 - 05/16/02 11:53 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
I must be the only Male SA survivor in the world who acts it out with Fisting???? Started out with another man...me wanting to act it out in a way where I really got hurt..but I liked it? When my wife found out... she said that she would do it for me and has been for almost 2 years! Used to do it up to 6 times a week..now down to once a week...sometimes more. I thought that it would kill me but it turned into pressure release valve...a way to stay alive!!!

Eddie

[ May 17, 2002: Message edited by: getteddie ]


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#71458 - 05/16/02 02:50 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Eddie
And you other guys, just how lucky are we that our wives accept our pasts, and help us through it in whatever way they can ?
Although I guess there's many marriages and relationships gone down the tubes when our acting out is revealed, and is that such a bad thing ? if my wife wouldn't support me I would have walked away for sure, if she couldn't do it then maybe it would be different. Without the support the chances are the survivor would just be getting more crap and guilt, and we got enough of that shit to last us a lifetime.
My wife understands it's a compulsion that takes me over, however distressing she found it. But if I was chasing other women, she'd kill me- slowly and painfully !!!
And Steve is so right in saying it's as though some of us want to re-create our pasts, but on our terms this time. For me it didn't work, it was just like the abuse but now I was inflicting it on myself.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71459 - 05/16/02 06:53 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
My boss would tell me about the next days work, somewhere many miles away.A job on my own at a remote site that I could finish in minutes.
And almost instantly I would start on the new improved fantasy. It was going to be the ultimate one, a slow methodical build up that would last all day and in the afternoon I would ride home via all the stinking public toilets hoping to get lucky.
As soon as I awoke next day it would start,I would sit eating breakfast oposite my wife and imagine the days events unfolding before me.
The day would progress and the new fantasy would take shape, although the reality is, just how many ways are there to meet strangers in toilets and suck them off ?
But I didn't let that stop me then, oh no. The fantasy would gather detail, jeans or trousers to unzip ? stay in the toilet or drive somewhere quiet ? But these were small details really, the main event was the sex, always the same- but the anticipation was always exciting and somehow different.
As the day went on my excitement rose until I threw my tools in the back of the van and took off with the tyres spinning. I drove in a blur with my heart racing, all thought was of what was going to happen shortly at the toilet. I could taste adreniline and my body shook as I stumbled into the toilet, I would have fought my way in !
Empty, fucking empty !! Drive on to the next. Same again. DRIVE- FUCK - EMPTY.
Have a wank. AAAHHHHH....
Has anyone actually experienced the ultimate wank ? Didn't think so.
Guilt, shame and depression, that was my experience, not the ultimate sexual experience.
And when I did get "lucky", strangely, I felt no better- probably, no certainly, worse. Did I learn ? Don't ask......
Well yes, I suppose I have learnt in the end but it was fucking hard work. I haven't acted out for about 12 months, although the fantasy sometimes gets a toe in the door. Perhaps it always will ?
The inevitability of the process is frightening, once I started I had to finish, and what scares me still is the knowledge that I know the level of excitement I can create just by using my imagination, the adreniline rush was tremendous- better than most drugs and drink I've tried, and so easy to create. I can't get that sort of rush by driving a custom built 4x4 in extreme competition !
Isn't the mind a wonderfull thing, as long as it aint fucked with!!! ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71460 - 05/16/02 09:55 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Lloydy,

I have felt the same way. I planned every step of the way, exactly where I would stop along the way, how long I would stay there, how late I could come home or arrive and not have to explain myself. I still catch myself starting to do it whenever I have to travel. I bought a fast motorcycle almost 2 years ago that's unique and very nice looking. The really strange thing is when I'm riding it I refuse to leave it out in front of any of those places that I used to visit. I seem to care more about that 'bike than I did about myself. It keeps me sane in an insane way. The first therapist that I really connected with before I moved to CA gave me a little exercise to do whenever I got in one of the compulsive moods. He asked me to just pull over to the side of the road, think seriously about what I was planning, and count to 50. Nine times out of ten my anxiety level would be reduced enough that I wouldn't continue on that path. I haven't let anyone suck me for over a year now. And, no, I never had the most fantastic blow job imaginable. I always felt horrible afterwards and just wanted to get somewhere so that I could take a shower.

I still have the fantasies. I still have the desires/urges. They have diminished over time but they are still there. I have to keep my guard up at all times and it just wears me out sometimes. When I'm riding the 'bike fast on a nice bit of twisty two lane back road I don't have time to think about anything else, I have to concentrate on what I'm doing right then. It's actually gotten so that I don't have to drive so damn fast anymore. A couple of crashes, a couple of broken body parts, and lots of new parts & plastic bodywork for the 'bike taught me something I guess.

Just knowing that others are dealing with the same issues gives me hope. Like many other survivors, I had believed that I was the only person in the whole world that behaved that way and had those thoughts. That belief just gave me more justification for my feelings of worthlessness. I feel a lot better about myself now than I have in the past and know that I deserve the things I've worked hard for. It wasn't just good fortune, I was driven to do the best damn job possible hoping that it would make up for all of my self professed "hidden defects". I'm planning a two week motorcycle trip this August and I haven't thought much at all about stopping anywhere for sex. That's a big step for me.

Take good care of yourself, you deserve the best that life has to give, we all do.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#71461 - 05/17/02 12:29 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Steve
It's such a good site this, where else can you interact with other guys who have the same problems and talk so openly, my guess is that you'd be very lucky to get this frank a discussion in many group sessions.
Which eases the load and the guilt trips so much. No matter how often my excellent therapist reassured me my experience wasn't that uncommon, or how often I read about it in books, I never really grasped that there are so many others like me. To talk to you all, and discover I'm not alone is so reassuring.
My "cure" was remarkably simple and the sole inspiration of my wife. She bought me a mobile phone. And some of the first calls were just me gibbering and crying into it, parked by the side of the road. The strength that came back was all I needed. Now I call her just for a chat, and the demons climb back into their hell hole.
She also calls me to tell me to call at the shops, empty the dishwasher, mow the lawn etc when I get home from work, but I can't have everything can I ????
Lloydy ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71462 - 05/17/02 04:41 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Quote:
Originally posted by Ron:
... depends on the day and who walks by whether I feel Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, or simply asexual. Ron[/QB]


Hi Ron,
I have read and re-read this thread more times than I can count. I know how you feel. I acted out on my abuse with other men, anyone I could find. Even after I got married. I dont anymore, but at times I still look and say "Humm he's got a nice ass", or something like that. I dont have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know your not alone in this.

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#71463 - 05/17/02 10:31 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Lloydy,

I do that now too. I call home just before I leave from work to say hello to my wife. Hearing her voice (even if she's had a particularly bad day) grounds me and let's me know that there's somebody out there who loves me, warts and all. It keeps me from wandering. Speaking of which, I've got to get home now, the 'bike's all back together now and faster than ever. I think I'll keep it that way.

Take care,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#71464 - 05/18/02 04:01 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
James
thank you, I have read this discussion over and over again as well. It really didn't go where I thought it would but it has been great! I guess I just don't know if I'm gay or not. I mean women and men turn my head, but it seems that sexually I find men more attractive. I just wonder if that is because that is where I have the most experience, due to the abuse. Or if it is because I understand and know what feels good to a man. Or is it just because the abuse has skewed my perception of what sex is and who it should happen with. Or was and am I gay and have been all along????
confused and searching
Ron


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#71465 - 05/18/02 10:32 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
Ron:
I've been there, done that. Its very bruising, that particular confusion. I had that for quite a while - a burning need to know what my sexuality was/is. I still don't know. But. I have figured out why I had such a burning need to know - specifically what it would say about me and what happened to me if I were gay or bi or hetero. I've since turned to looking at it in terms of 'what happened to me was wrong and they had no right'. Everything else will follow in time. I do know I like women. As for whether I'm partly, slightly, or not at all bi, I don't know. And while the acting out is around, I'm not going to know. It muddies the water too much because I can't tell if its coming from what happened or if its a seed that was waiting in me before.


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#71466 - 05/18/02 04:28 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Ron,
I wish I could give you an answer to your questions, there are the same ones I fought with. I know now that I was tought to like sex with men. Doesnt mean I dont still look, becouse I do, Doesnt mean I dont still think about it becouse I do, I just dont act on it. I sure wish I had an answer for you that would make all of this easer for you, but keep talking and you will find your answer your self.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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