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#71392 - 05/09/02 09:55 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Anonymous
Unregistered


Stems from a long time ago. Back during the 50s. The incest thing was going on. "Family",the concept of went away. I was alone. No therapy back then. No-one to talk to. No-one to come rescue me. So I went where I had to go. I was little and powerless in a World of adults. They ran everything. None of them could be trusted. I stood in the background quietly. Listening,watching,taking mental note. Now their World belongs to me. They are the sheep,me the wolf. And I will lay waste to the bastards should they even look at me crosseyed. Oh,by the way. I have something published in today's Jerusalem Post newspaper,Israel,letters section entitled "I don't care anymore".


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#71393 - 05/10/02 06:57 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Anonymous
Unregistered


I'd better expound on this. Look,we live in the Age of Scam. Everything around us is bullshit. We're being marketed at 24/7. We're hit on from 360 degrees from the moment we awake till we sleep at day's end.
It's all about conformity,not making waves and "going along". Don't you get tired of it? The people who post at NOMSV know about shame. Self-imposed shame is bad enough but fretting about shame induced from outside ourselves is ridiculous. Are you kind to animals? Have you got a dog or cat that loves you? Are you evil? I think not. Whether you're physically attractive,rich,famous,powerful or the whatnot it means absolutely nothing. Do you like what you are? I mean deep-down. Can you look at yourself and say "I'm a pretty damn good guy"? Well that's all that matters. The people out there who'd cast aspersions at you can suck ass. Like yourself. Be proud of who you are. Hold your head up and look your detractors in the eye. Tell them to go fuck off. Took decades of suffering for me to learn this.


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#71394 - 05/11/02 08:33 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I'm just learning this trick, beginning to believe in myself, trusting myself, liking myself and even loving myself.
It's taken thirty fucking years !! and that could be a reason for being pissed off, but I'm even getting over that- slowly. ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71395 - 05/11/02 10:33 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Lloydy. I solved the problem at age 13 in 1959. The incest from my mother had been going on for months. It finnally dawned on me that this'd be a permanent thing. I called it "the game". One lovely Saturday afternoon my mother,father & sister left the house. I went into my father's garage,took a leather pouch from his workbench holding a thick steel needle 8" long he used for repairing canvas and I sat on our livingroom couch. I grabbed the meat of my thigh,squeezed it together so it made a big lump,told myself "I will make the pain not be" and pushed the needle into my flesh. It would'nt go very far. So I went back to the garage,found a lockwrench. Using the lockwrench to hold the huge spike firmly I told myself once again "I will make the pain not be" and slowely shoved the entire length of it thru the gathered thigh-meat skin,fat and muscle till my thigh was pierced thru & thru. Somewhere in the distance Hellish fires burned. Afterwards I sat there admiring my handiwork. And I knew then that what my mother was doing to me I could make go away. I could make it not be. I could take it from me and put it in the air above and behind my shoulders where it would fester with a hellish irridescence. So there it is. And here,distant from it I am. Let it blaze. I am immune,protected. Forever. Nothing can hurt me anymore.


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#71396 - 05/12/02 07:46 AM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Tinfoil
It's a hell of a way to go through life, making ourselves miserable in a vain attempt to feel better. And it doesn't matter if it's physical or mental, a self beating is pretty shitty.
I took the mental approach and kept myself small and insignificant to those around me, even though I was bolshie and argumentitive. But the bolshie part was misdirected anger.
My personal achievements were zero, I had 30 years of being an "also ran"
I don't do that any more, I've seen what I can do, I know how clever I really am, and best of all I recognise my good and bad qualities. I still have shitty / depressive times, but I know what it's like on both sides so I try to steer myself the right way.
I finally recognise that my abusers are fucking scumbags, and doomed to remain so.
I'm not, I've left them behind

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71397 - 05/12/02 05:16 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Anonymous
Unregistered


Glad to hear that things are turning out okay,Lloydy. When you're a kid and the World's run by adults,who you gonna blame? Can't be the adults. I recall those silent conversations with myself all those decades ago. And in fact extending up to several years ago. That makes it around 40 years. I asked myself "What am I? What am I really?". Answer was always the same. "You're a monster. You're a motherfucker. Not a joke motherfucker. A for-real motherfucker. Your existence insults God. Your contribution to humanity is urine and feces. You hav'nt even got the guts to kill yourself. Think how many men have died for God and Country. And here you sit making a whine. You're pathetic.
You deserve nothing,will achiev nothing. No-one will ever love you after they find out what you are. Which they will do. There's no escape for you. Kill yourself. Think of the lowest foulest thing you can envision. Have you got that in your mind now? Good. You're lower than that thing. Kill yourself,coward. Do at least one fucking thing that people can say good things about you because of".
I'm still alive. That's a bit of a miracle.


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#71398 - 05/12/02 06:52 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Do we have recover to a state where we begin to think like "normal" adults to begin to see how adults shafted us when we were supposed be kids ?
My abuse was discovered at school, after an early incident where I was raped by 5 or 6 older boys because I was backing away from the low level abuse their leader had started with me, it was a show of force. I was given a pack of 10 cigarettes as payment to shut me up. Walking away from my ordealI was found in possesion of them by a teacher and marched off to the headmaster. I was also dirty and disheveled as I did put up a bit of a fight.
I was questioned for a long while about who I'd been fighting with and eventually I gave him the whole, true story. I was sent away while he questioned the rapists. Obviously they lied and stuck together and were believed.
I was sent for again and caned for the cigarettes, and for fighting- twelve strokes in all. I was branded a liar and trouble maker. I was never examined by the matron or anything, my arse was bleeding before the caning, proof if he bothered to look.
this obviously gave them free reign over me and the abuse went on for another 4 years.
I hate the headmaster more than my rapists, he may as well have bent me over the desk and fucked me instead of caning me. The most powerful man in my world didn't believe me, who else could I tell ? The scumbag died many years ago, otherwise I would be haunting him.
I too retreated into a world without adults, I became the trouble maker I was branded as a kid, I rebeled as a young adult in the '70's and hated normal adult behaviours.
I thought I was so useless it wasn't worth the effort of trying to conform. I was an olympic slacker.
I've detached myself off into other places for as long as I can remember, still do sometimes.
And I still have problems with authority figures, Is that a surprise ?

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71399 - 05/13/02 10:00 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Lloydy. Because of what happened to us,we avoid confrontation. Out there rubbing shoulders with society that characteristic is often appraised as
a weakness,vulnerability. It is on their part..a misjudgement. Because of what happened to us we end up pushing a broom across a floor. Minimum wage loser jobs. The fellows we're forced to work with..well here in America I conceptualized them as "rednecks". Long story but I've left a number of rednecks laying on the cold cement workplace floor starring up at me with astonished facial expressions,blood running from the corners of their mouths. That's why I'm lucky to have been given an inheritance-of-monies. It's been over a decade since I've collected a paycheck. No-one will hurt me again. Nor I hurt them.


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#71400 - 05/14/02 01:29 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Anonymous
Unregistered


By the way. I'll bet that characteristic is not uncommon among adult survivors of childhood molestation. Avoiding confrontation at almost any cost. And that trait drawing the attention of bullies who attack the victim relentlessly until the victim responds violently. This happening most-often in the workplace environment. The childhood molestation made it impossible for me to interact normally with others in the give & push of life. I could'nt protect myself like others could. Others saw that,viewed me as a coward.


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#71401 - 05/14/02 01:48 PM Re: ...yeah,I went thru this
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ask the guys I've had by the throat over the years !!
Not any more, I now realise I'm as smart as they are, or smarter, and I wont be climbed all over. And figuring that out has quelled my anger, I just walk away now- with a fucking smug look on my face.
\:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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