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#71343 - 10/01/01 11:33 AM I need help
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
As the subject says, I need help. Since the horrid events of 11 Sept. a piece of music one hears almost every day on the T.V. or radio, is "God Bless America." That in it self is fine. What I am now trying to deal with each time I hear that song, is the past way back in 1951. Some of you may know that in 1950 thru 1953 I was in a childrens hospital for a horrible bone dissease. For all that time I was either on my back or stomach. During 1951 I was the victum of repeated rapes from two men of 18 years of age, and always at night when our one aide didn't or want to hear them and me holloring. All the years at that hospital, we could only see T.V. 1/2 hour Mon thru Fri. to watch the Howdy Doodie Show. Just before that show, we would hear the end of The Kate Smith show, and her ending it with the God Bless America song. When I hear it now, I cry like a baby, and every night at about 1 - 3 AM I wake up, and even last night I woke up or saw in my dream, those TWO YOUNG MEN rapping me. The last time I actually saw those guys was when the police were taking them from the hospital in Dec. of 1951. I haven't dreamed of them actually fucking me since the late 1950s. My question and request of answeres is WHY NOW. I realize that me being hit by a NYC subway train in 1990 has screwed up some of my brain, among other things, and I am going to my weekly visit to my counselor tomorrow, and my every third month visit to my doctor on Thursday. I surely don't need this added problem now, so any advice or commemts would be appreciated. Thanks so much. Bosishere


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#71344 - 10/01/01 05:34 PM Re: I need help
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1223
Loc: Northern Ohio
bosishere, Everytime I think of you in that "Hospital" I feel like crying. It reminds me so vividly of my own past. And it angers me, (which is easy to do, I know, But it doesn't make it less important), that that could happen in a place that is suppose to represent Healing!
Two thoughts on why now.
(1) Perhaps something was triggered. A familiar name, someone that looked familiar, some event, even on TV, something BESIDES that song. For me once, A lot of memories came back during a full moon. The way the light shined through the woods, the strange way the shadows made the leaves look black. At that moment, with that thought, a million memories came flooding back. I nearly past out, it was so overwhelming. So many pieces of the puzzle of my memory, were found & the pieces fit, perfectly. Trueths, that I tried to hide from, run from, ignor, came to me in undeniable fact.
(2) I feel my mind, (subconcious), was ready, (healthy enough, or healed enough, or had the skills, or supports), to deal with this next major "piece". Those facts, which were now undeniable, had to be delt with. HAVE TO be delt with. Proscessed, exposed, digested, so I could Shit them out, flush them down, be rid of there acursed grasp.
All this, (& more), from looking at a tree and see BlackLeaves..............

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#71345 - 10/01/01 10:23 PM Re: I need help
Anonymous
Unregistered


B,

From reading your post, I believe that you have already identified why these awful memories have returned in a dream (nightmare?). One of the things that we know about music is that it is SO powerful. When one hears a song repeatedly (as you did when Kate Smith sang "God Bless America" night after night), it leaves an imprint in every cell of your body. Many people who can't remember critical information about their own lives that happened just yesterday (and trust me, I'm one of them!) can recite the lyrics to songs that they'd heard when they were kids. Moreover, most of us associate specific songs with significant events in our lives (our first love, a grandparent's death, etc.).

My hunch - from your post - is that "God Bless America" (however consciously or unconsciously) takes your right back to 1951...to a time when you were very sick and very vulnerable. (And being raped in a hospital when you were a little kid is no small event, I might add!) I'm no psychologist, but my sense is that your accident with the subway train (yet another traumatic event) has less to do with these flashback than the song. Music is SO very powerful....

Don


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