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#71328 - 09/10/01 10:26 AM Re: To be a child again
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
and i thought i was the only one who felt like this......most days i feel like i'm five......some days i'm 15........but i never feel older.....sometimes in therapy i revert to the 2-3 year old when my abuse began.....i've even reverted to that child-like state on my own.....it terrifies me that i might be permanently caught in that time period.....in other ways, maybe i'd be happier being that innocent and naive again.......i see little boys and my heart breaks......i cry inside and out.......i just want a real life.....mine has been totally destroyed by the abuse.....i'm just trying to find some kind of happiness before i die.....at least i know i did not abuse other children when i seriously thought about it as a teenager.....that is the only thing that has kept my sanity......just think how the bastards that abused us feel.....they must live in torment, i certainly hope they do anyway......if they could only understand the deep tormenting damage they have done to us....i guess they probably do since most abusers were abuse victims as well....but i guess some people can deal with the abuse.....unfortunately, i have not been one of those people.....i've run from the abuse my whole life.....by doing that, i've run from really living.......i know i used to fantasize about being hercules so i would not have to be the slave any more.....the slave that had to perform oral sex......i just thought these memories at 4 meant i was gay.....now i realize the meaning was much deeper......much more cruel.....i still engage in magical thinking.....if only, we could all revert to the age when the abuse began.....and alter what happened.....to dream the impossible dream.......michael ps.... something that has really helped me is to play with my 5-year-old niece.....it allows me to understand her innocence, her love of life....it lets me be a kid again playing candyland, go fish, barbies......maybe this will help me regain a tiny bit of my childhood.....if not, my niece surely knows how much i love her anyway.....


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#71329 - 09/10/01 09:10 PM Re: To be a child again
Anonymous
Unregistered


Michael,

Something that you said in your post really touched me deeply:
Quote:
..i see little boys and my heart breaks......i cry inside and out.......i just want a real life....

I have felt this same feeling on so many occasions...and I thought I was the only person on the planet to be touched in this way. As a classroom teacher - and later as an elementary school principal - I would see these very functional, "together" little boys who are so alive, energetic, and enthusiastic and I would have this overwhelming feeling. Now I know what it was....I was seeing in them the little boy that I never was - but might have been if it were not for the fact that this was stolen from me.

Thank you.....I finally got it!

Dynamite Don


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