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#709 - 08/16/02 10:51 AM Re: A New Obsession
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
you might want closer, you may even tie the house it self with your pain and not the person....I dont know....the person that I hate is dead and I've wanted to go a piss on his grave......good luck with this Will.....

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I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#710 - 08/16/02 01:36 PM Re: A New Obsession
Dan01 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/02
Posts: 18
Loc: S. California
Hi Will,
I do beleive we all have the need for closure. This may be your way of doing this. For me, the place that most of the abuse took place is at my mothers house, she still lives in the house I grew up in. It is about 20 minutes away from me. I so go their still, a few times a month, now that my mother and I have made peace w/ each other ( that is a whole Issue in itself) but anyway Almost everytime I go to this house I get flash backs, in almost every room. The other day was in the bathroom and I started having flashbacks when I looked at the bath tub, and The floor, ect I remembered the things that used to happen, for almost 10 years. Years ago it was much more difficult for me. Now I just say yes, It is horrible, and it still pisses me off, but I try not to obsess about it because their is nothing I can do to change the past. I have also thought about burning down the house of trying to convince my mother to move, but in the end I just feel that I will no longer be controled by my stepfathers evil deeds and say, let him rott in hell. He has no power over me, and with Gods help, I will live my life and love my wife and my children, and be as good to them as possible, and in a way little by litte try to undo the evil that was done to me.
Peace Dan


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#711 - 08/16/02 06:42 PM Re: A New Obsession
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Will,
Sounds like your need to visit that house is instinctual in nature and I believe in following those urges if it is reasonably safe to do so. You may experience some flashbacks and trigger memories, but I suspect you would not be having the desire to revisit the place if it were not part of your healing. I had a similar experience myself, did visit the location, and then sort of debriefed the whole thing with a good and trusted friend who knew the whole story. You may to do this with an ally (your loving and supportive wife perhaps?) who will either go there with you or be nearby to provide grounding and emotional support. Good luck man, you seem to be moving right along!

Roy


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#712 - 08/16/02 07:57 PM Re: A New Obsession
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I've been back to the scene of my abuse, my old school- although it's no longer that, it's returned to being a country mansion - a few times, before and after the start of my recovery. (unfortunately my job took me there, but that's stopped )

Before it provoked my fantasies - big time, and in a perverse way I liked going.
The last time I went it left me cold, and I somehow doubt I could go again, not easily anyway.

But I still have to visit the towns where my abusers live, I know exactly where one lives.
I go, do my job and leave quickly.
It frightens me to think I'm so close. I dont honestly know how I would react if I saw them now, and I dont want to find out.

Lloydy

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#713 - 08/16/02 08:08 PM Re: A New Obsession
angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/02
Posts: 23
This topic reminds me of the scene in Forrest Gump when Jenny goes back and throws rocks at her old house. I've though about going back to the scene of my abuse, just to see how I would feel. I think it would take some of the weird feelings away from places that remind me of those places around my old house. I went there years before I remembered the abuse with my wife. I kept asking her if it creeped her out or scared her and she kept saying that it didn't. I couldn't figure out what it was about that place that bothered me so much.


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#714 - 08/17/02 01:06 AM Re: A New Obsession
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
A few days after I got my driver's license, I drove directly to the house I lived in when I was abused as a 3 year old. I then drove to the park where some of the abuse happened and then back to the house.

I went back and forth between the two places and then I remembered that when I went to that park as an older child, I either wet my pants or I had to leave almost immediately to get to a bathroom.

I never understood any of this at that time. It all just wasn't conscious yet.

I did this several times each summer (abuse season) for the next two years or so. I never undserstood why.

As time went on, I did understand, but that is a whole other story. I never went back, after I remembered, but each time I drove past the house (it's visible from a main parkway here), I wouldn't look that way, and as often as not it made me depressed. For years, I took detours to avoid passing that way. Now I don't even notice it.

On the other hand, I have never been back to the place where I was raped at age 12. I wouldn't even go to that town for my grandmother's and uncle's and cousin's funerals.

I feel no need or desire to go there. The thing is, if I wanted, I could go to the very room where it happened. I don't know how it would make me feel.

So for me, it's a 50/50 thing. I was drawn to the one place, before I knew what it meant, but not after, and the other place, I have stayed away from.

Donald

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If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#715 - 08/19/02 01:14 PM Re: A New Obsession
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Will,

For what its worth....

I have been back to the house i was abused in many times. Sometimes to drive through the neighborhood looking for some of the fond memories i had from growing up there, other times specifically to see the house and the yard just to keep the image of it all fresh for me.

I have a number of times wanted to knock on the door and ask if i could see the insides of the house, but i never have, i always chickened out on that one.

I dont know that it has had any huge impact on me, a few times i just sat across the street for a bit and then cried all or part of the way home. No profound things came of it, but the need to go look was there, the need to cry was there at times, and i did.

I would encourage you to go look, dont let it become some big monster issue in your life, its ok to just go take a peek and see what comes up for you.

Hugs,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#716 - 08/19/02 11:08 PM Re: A New Obsession
Starman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Tennessee
Well, when my abuse occurred (it was a one-time thing) I left as fast as I could and have never, ever gone back. I never have even considred it. I have, however visited it in my mind over and over again. Although most of my abusers are now dead (I'm pretty sure) and the house is probably no longer even there, it exists just as it was then in that corner of my mind where things that have a strong emotional impact tend to linger.
If returning to the house would put some closure on it, then go. If you DO go, however, I don't think I would want to go alone. It could trigger a lot of very strong feelings, and you really need to have a supportive and understanding person with you RIGHT THEN to process the immediate reaction.
I wish you the very best. I know the power such thoughts and feelings can have, and I hope you have, or will seek out, an understanding and caring person who can help you process the feelings, whether you go back to the house or not.
Starman


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#717 - 08/25/02 05:48 PM Re: A New Obsession
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
You said you visited the place where you were abused IN YOUR MIND. Great idea & insight, Starman!

My T tells me there may be no need to physically go back to places where I was abused or to the people who abused me, to confront them. He encourages (at least first) going there & facing them IN YOUR MIND. Kind of a visualizing, imagining, in order to control the confrontation and the outcome; even to re-imagine it into what you would want to happen.

If you can't remember where exactly a place of abuse was, or if a person who abused you is dead, that may be all you can do to find closure if you need it. It may be all you need even if they are alive & you know exactly where it happened.

That is helping me some & is all I can do for now anyway, emotionally and probably physically. But if it isn't enuf & closure is still needed, then going somewhere and/or to someone personally--or writing or calling them--might be in order.

Myself, I wouldn't want to do it if I wasn't pretty confident I'd be in control of the situation.

This refers more to people than place. But a few years ago I tried to reconcile with a close relative, began to write again & stuff. Then saw this person a couple of holidays over the next couple years.

Then my abuse memories began to surface & clarify more, especially this person's involvement. I also sensed, but had to have it pointed out by my wife after the last visit, that this person is still trying to control & use me.

For my own good I've cut off all contact with this person & have no plans to renew it.

My T is working with me on confronting this person & working things out in my head.

Another good point he made, I think, is it may not help to deal with this person in person becuz tho some leftover issues remain, my real problem is not with that person as that person is now but rather who that person was & how they were treating me as a child--which they probably have blocked out of their minds be now, or would just deny or downplay & piss me off even more.

Not altogether what you were talking about, but I guess I hadda get it out. Thanks, I needed that!

But that's me! Starman, and all of you, do what you need to do & take care of yourself!

Peace

Wuame

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"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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