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#71287 - 08/31/01 06:18 PM MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Guys, we have all had sexual abuse, in one form or another, and no matter what some may say, the abuse,ALL OF IT, is bad. Some of us are better dealing with the after efects are very dificult for all of us. Now you add homosexuality and all of a sudden the body has another difficult task to learn to deal with. America as a country has in the past 10 to 20 years been dealing with homosexuality in a concrete fashion. As far as male sexual abuse, the country has only begun to "scratch" the surface. Now add to those two (2) very difficult tasks some of us individuals who have also been thru some sort of medical "truma." Speaking for myself I am in that three (3) "problem" area as the public calls us. Sometime the public at large doesn't even know of the first one or two, but we as individuals are trying to cope with all three. Sometimes, like me, we don't give a shit what the public thinks or does and we try to "exist." More and more I keep coming up with the questions of "how do we exist.?" For me the primary source of injury is the brain.For others is some other part of the body, but to all of us, the body assigns "all of its effort" to making the body well again. My question is this - how the hell does as individual try and deal with not one, not two, but THREE areas of injury. They are ALL INTERCONECTED. Your comments please.


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#71288 - 08/31/01 10:20 PM Re: MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
Anonymous
Unregistered


B,

I don't have the answers...only more questions...

It seems to me that those of us who are victims of childhood sexual abuse spend big chunks of our lives trying to figure out what "normal" is. And we devote an overwhelming amount of energy to doing all that we can to appear/be "normal." I look for the day when we all will be truly accepted for who we are.

When I think of all of the time, energy, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy that I have been juggling for a half centruy I wonder when the day will come that I can believe (all the way down to my toes) that I'm "okay."

I wish I could make it better...I can only shake my head and say "I feel your pain and I'm with you, bro."

Dynamite Don


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#71289 - 08/31/01 10:51 PM Re: MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
rax Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Hi,

I was sexually abused at the age of six.
Now at 24, Im gay and I hate myself as I feel guilty as my abuser was probably gay too.
and since the abuse left me with an injured testes, I had a delayed adolescence, which means I went through a lot of hell in school.
Each day is misery.

how do I cope? One day at a time.


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#71290 - 09/01/01 10:06 PM Re: MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
Anonymous
Unregistered


Rax,

From my perspective, whether or not your abuser was gay is not as important as your coming to terms with the fact that what happened to you was not your fault. You didn't disclose details of your sexual abuse, but I have read that even when the victim gets some pleasure from the acts, IT IS STILL NOT THE CHILD'S FAULT. You had the right to just be a kid and you needed to be protected and taken care of by adults.

I don't know enough about homosexuality to speak with any certainty, but from everything I do know (and have read), I never heard that somebody can make somebody else gay...or that one can catch it from someone...say a perpetrator.

One of the things that I am curious about myself is how childhood sexual abuse affects one's sexual identity, one's relationships (including family, co-workers, etc), and one's outlook on life in general. For example, where is the barrier between distorted sexual identity and being gay? If you feel comfortable, Rax, maybe you'd be willing to share how all of this has affected you.

I can tell you're still reeling from all that has happened to you. For me, just knowing that I'm not the only one who is coming to terms with childhood sexual abuse is SO helpful. Your kinship, guys, gives me hope that Humpty can be patched up again....

Dynamite Don


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#71291 - 09/02/01 11:50 AM Re: MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Don & Rax, both of you write good posts. Rax, I agree with Don re somebody being gay. Everything I've read, and I'm NO TEACHER IN SCIENCE, says that a person is born gay, although that person being gay,and tending to oneself as a gay person, IS DIFFERENT from person to person. Rax, you say what most of us I feel think,"take one day at a time." I new I was gay when I was in college, but didn't have ANY SEXUAL EXPERIENCE unitl I was 28. The sexual abuse was always known to me, and there until it all came to the "surface" last (2000) summer. Here in Nashville an expriest was sent to prison for a long time for raping little boys while a priest, a state worker and a city worker. At the same time a now former worker for the POLICE dept. was found guilty and awaiting his prison sentance for raping little boys. This news made me ask for help from the Catholic Chruch, since I'm a Catholic, but for a YEAR now, and I assume for the future, NONE CAME. The wouldn't even write me. So I turned to the local office of the Rape & Sexual Abuse Center for help, and have been going there every week since mid Sept. Rax, your advice of taking one day at a time is VERY good. But what I have trouble doing is juggleing all three at a time. Also what makes all of this really screwed up is that I'm on the decline in time and health, but as a VERY FAMOUS MOVIE STAR SAID AT THE END OF THE MOVIE --"I'll wory about that tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day." By the way Don, I really liked your phrase of Humpty and patching him together again!! bosishere


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#71292 - 09/03/01 11:44 PM Re: MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
rax Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Hi Don and Bosishere,

As much as we may want to deny it, the fact remains that, yes, sexual abuse tends to make us more open in our sexuality, and sometimes that means being gay/bi.
Noone can choose to be gay or straight. genetics or circumstances make us gay, and abuse is one such circumstance.

Every child has the right to be protected from physical abuse and mental abuse.
Abuse affects the way a child looks at life. In every relationship, trust is key, and since the abuse, I have lost trust in people.
One of the missing pieces since my abuse, has been this "person", who would hold me and tell me that Im alright and that Im safe. That person is the one I look for in my relationships with men.
Also, In a relationship I want equality. I dont want to be the giver, nor the receiver. I want a mutually satisfying relationship. The minute I feel that I am giving too much, I feel that I am being abused again and I step out of the relationship.

Also, people who have been abused tend to respect their bodies less. I have been smoking for a long time. I've been advised to quit, but I keep asking myself "why should I quit?" "for whom?" "I dont care, we all have to die someday, and Im not going to worry about my future".
Its sad.

Abuse victims tend to be manipulative in relationships. We were discussing this the other day on the chat room here. We manipulate, as it gives us this sense of being powerful in a relationship.

Another fact we discussed was that abuse leads us to be overachievers later in life. We are scared to make mistakes. As Brian said, "we over-analyze things to death".
We plan ahead. We are alert. all these positives stem from the negatives we have faced early in life.

Does it make us better people?


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#71293 - 09/04/01 11:29 PM Re: MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
Anonymous
Unregistered


God only knows....

I think you're pretty wise for 24 years on the planet, rax, and this gives me great hope that you're going to triumph over this. Man, you have so very much to give....with support, encouragement, therapy, and a positive attitude, you're taking back your power. Damn, I'm proud of you!

Dynamite Don


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#71294 - 09/06/01 04:35 PM Re: MALE ABUSE, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ANOTHER INJURY
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
RAX............. you ask, "does this make us better people??"......i know for myself it has not been that way......i've been so busy running and hiding from the abuse my whole life, that i have pretty much squandered my entire life......hopefully, it will make you a better person because you are dealing with it now.....i've been way too afraid.....i've rationalized that my memories at 4 just meant i was gay.....although i've been approached by alot of gay guys and that does not seem right to me.....sex is very disgusting to me......any kind of sex......i crave it but i deplore it......i really do not think i will ever have sex with anybody except the uncle that abused me those many years ago......it would just bring back all the pain and hurt and confusion of the abuse.....i am not strong enough to face that.....i just do not think i can live with myself through that ordeal.......michael


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