jeremy......thank you for your caring.....i've always felt like i was abused, but would not allow myself to really consider the possibility.....but, how many 42-year-old "virgins" do you know????? i've never had sex with anybody.....well, i guess except my uncle.....i've been way too terrified to have sex with a guy or girl.....i've had many opportunities with both but thought i might freak out and hurt them....to me, sex is disgusting......even masturbation is disgusting.....it is something i do to eliminate the sexual thoughts....not for pleasure......what i did not understand is that abusers are not gay....my uncle was a good-looking guy and was a babe magnet......he had lots of girlfriends and had 2 beautiful wives....that is why i never considered him....he did not wear a raincoat......he was not a pervert.....why is the public so unaware of the true characteristics of perpetrators????? why is there not some one going around educating the public?????? i guess because nobody wants to hear the truth.....that their husbands, brothers, uncles, cousins, etc....are the real enemy to their children....it is so much more comforting to think of a pervert.....a stranger.....but as i've found, abuse by a close person is much more mentally incapacitating than abuse by a stranger.....there is no inherent trust with a stranger, there is with your uncle.......i would rationalize my thoughts to dismiss them.....i have always remembered being 4 and wanting to be hercules so i could have my slaves perform oral sex on me....and i would not have to be the slave anymore......this is not a repressed memory.....it has never left me.....i just thought it meant i was gay....i only wish that was it's true meaning.....i was 4 in 1962....not exactly today in terms of social morals.....how did i know about oral sex????? why did i not want to have to do it anymore??????? why did i want it done to me?????? i'd pull down my underwear lying in bed and think about it.....i would get an erection and i would be very disgusted with myself.....i'd pull my underwear back up to make it "go away".....i just wanted the abuse to go away.....leave me alone......so, in answer to your question jeremy, i guess i've always known, but have been too afraid to allow myself to consider the truth.....i still only have partial memories.....but i remember feelings and some incidents.....i still do not remember much of the sexual activity, at least not visually....but i know it is coming......i've had terrible nightmares lately that result in me awakening gagging with a feeling that a hand is on the back of my head.....when i brush my teeth, i gag......it was so bad i checked into the university of cincinnati psychiatrict unit a few weeks ago.....i was so close to taking an overdose..........i have been hospitalized 3 times over the last eight months with suicide attempts......i just HATE MYSELF so much.....i cannot bear to live............but i'm trying.................................. regarding the molester dream, i just never understood it.....i was not scared for myself during the dream.....i was scared for the children....i was just angry at myself for not being smarter.....i felt like a fool....i'd be angry on days i'd had that dream.....angry at myself and the world.....i would be in such a terrible mood, most days i'd go home from work at 10 am or always by noon.....the dream kept occurring more and more, and i neglected my job.........i just could not deal with life anymore......about three years ago i just went to bed for like a year and a half......i could no longer function......i laid in bed and cried, hoping i would die.....hoping i'd muster the courage to kill myself......until i developed congestive heart failure......when i was finally hospitalized with it, my cardiologist told me i was dying......well, guess i still am, but i'm still here....my heart has improved, but still has been permanently damaged.....i think i'll just die from my broken heart........michael