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#71260 - 01/19/07 09:05 AM how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Long story short: I suffered CSA. I'm gay, haven't come out (though at 40 friends/family probably figuring it out). I have low self-esteem, low self confidence, i.e I don't feel any gay pride. I think I'm straight acting, but I don't know, I don't think about it much.

Last week I was walking home from work downtown and passed by a group of 5 teenagers, about 15 years old, they were trying to look punk-rock I guess, I didn't think about it. Right as the last one passed me he whispered "faggot". I didn't realize what he'd said til about 3 steps later. I kept walking, didn't look back. I felt scared, intimidated, angry, shamed, upset.

I keep stewing about it. How should I have reacted? What will I say or do when I see them again? They loiter around downtown a lot.

A couple of days later I was passing 4 different teenagers coming towards me, they were acting loud, agressive. I have a habit of talking to myself quietly, I'm not always aware I'm doing it. I was rambling something, not loud enough for anyone to hear. As they passed me one of them was loudly saying "better shut your fucking mouth bitch" and then I wondered if he was talking to me?

In my rational mind I think that I have to not give my power away, don't let others decide how I should feel about me, don't give them the satisfaction of upsetting me. But in my gut, all these feelings are triggered, part of me wants to take them all on, not let them walk all over me, stand up to them, etc. But I'm never going to get their respect anyway, I can't take on the whole world, or all the street kids I pass by on the way to work. That's another concern, that I'd become a target for verbal abuse from the them. Part of me is scared too. I don't know. I don't have a network of gay friends to support me, or give me perspective. Any feedback is welcome.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#71261 - 01/19/07 09:16 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
sounds like you need a lesson in gay pride 101. since im the most vocal homosexual in the chat room here.. (and i gave that title to myself) let me give you some advice. people are always going to hate you for one reason or another. they will hate how you look or how you dress or how you talk. they will hate you if you are straight or gay. thats just a part of life. i think you are picking up on it because you are insecure. the only thing that makes gay guys different from straight guys (beside the obvious sexual preference) is tough skin. the more you embrace your sense of self the more you will pick up on those around you being assholes. but it also builds up your skin. so in situations like the jerk who called you a faggot, you just keep walking. theres nothing you can say to him. theres no need to fight. you ARE a faggot. you just need to take pride in that and wear it well.

Removed a trigger word.


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#71262 - 01/19/07 01:40 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
kids who say this kind of thing in this day and age

are indeed kids

- a lot of kids don't really make a big to do about sexuality - these days

but there are those who are insecure about who they are -

and haven't formed those - secure self knowing stuff -

take it not personally - (hard to do)

but think of it - as an adult - to a child -

who doesn't know themselves - and clings to something to help them - feel ok -


like - fashion -

or like a whole extreme punk fashion -

probably more bark than bite - no?

dont' get ruffled by it -

i try to remain stoic -

and if they get directly in my face -

i give them a look - a look through them -
that usually reminds them they are kids -

and to them they might think

'yeah we're just goofin'"

try not to walk in these areas -

if it's consistently going on -

if you can avoid - it

it's extra stress no one needs -

like - since i was mugged by these black

teens - who stole my camera and cell phone

but then wanted to be sure - i would keep my coat to stay warm

and be able to have access to my money??

silly -

they are so bratty -

but i was like - wtf - i just left
canceled stuff

and was 'out' about 600 dollars to replace everthing -
nice

kids these days... am i old - no they're fuckers !

any - take it easy

and maybe if you can -

start to make some gay friends your age -

it's not good to be alone - in the world

pax

m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71263 - 01/19/07 01:42 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
oh my point was -

i've changed subway stops now

since the kids down at that stop

usually cause raucousness

so -

i walk to another one now -

it's just as close - if not closer i've found

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71264 - 01/19/07 01:44 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
and the word faggot

personally i don't like

i've used it

sadly on those folks

who really act a complete stereotype

but moreso

with a lack of humanity and cowardice

i've even called a straight man

a total faggot -

it's a word - i don't really want to use
again

it's not good

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71265 - 01/19/07 01:47 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i'm not perfect at it

but i try to stay away from judgements

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71266 - 01/19/07 02:00 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
somebody ought to teach those punks some fucking manners. faggot is a shitty word ,my dad always called me that even before i knew what it meant ,heh jokes on him i turned out straight lol.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#71267 - 01/20/07 01:20 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
faggot is only a "bad word" when it is meant to be used in a negative way. people are so touchy about it. just accept it. i call myself a faggot all the time. or homo. or queer. so when someone calls me that, its okay because i am one. i dont hide it or cower in the corner. that only increases the jerks desire to torment you.


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#71268 - 01/20/07 01:52 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
dude - faggot means bundle of sticks

those bundles in the middle ages were used to burn us at the stake

faggot is a BAD WORD .

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71269 - 01/20/07 02:28 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
Mark is right. The word 'faggot' implys that people like us are only worth burning as human torches. You've heard the term 'flaming faggot'.

Koveri


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#71270 - 01/20/07 02:45 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
its all in context. thats not the point of the post. you guys are older.. there is a generation gap. its cool. i still use it. it is still fine with me.


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#71271 - 01/20/07 03:06 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
It's not so much the word, it's the intention behind it. That kid was trying to yank my chain, intimidate me, look cool in front of his friends, or whatever.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#71272 - 01/20/07 04:10 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think if i was gay and another gay person called me faggot it would have a whole different meaning than if a straight person said it ,its just like blacks and the n word its cool to call each other that but dont let a white guy say it. its more whose saying it than whats being said .like i said i didnt know what the word meant but i knew it was bad just by the way my dad said it ,or at least in his pea brain it was bad .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#140729 - 02/08/07 10:19 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression? [Re: Koveri]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
What is worse is when we use it on ourselves after having the word faggot said to us so many times. There is nothing wrong with sexual orientation it just is what it is. I am a strong homosapian (sp) just like the rest of you.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#140757 - 02/08/07 02:51 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression? [Re: michael Joseph]
philobat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 293
Loc: California
People can be very cruel. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that some Adults will go to avoid growing up. Hate speech and bigoted jargon are telltale signs of a limited mind. When someone talks to me, who has a limited mind, I do not retain any information they convey, because it is far more often than not, useless.


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#140868 - 02/09/07 01:58 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression? [Re: philobat]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
so true people can be extreamly mean,
it is too bad too cuz love is always
a better thing than hate and misery

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#141213 - 02/12/07 12:57 AM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agre [Re: Galapogos]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Galapogos and company, hope you don't mind me coming here. I am going to guess that something about how you walked, or how you held your self caught their eye. It was off just enough, and that boy decided to challenge you on it. A while back I posted a link that I felt explained how homophobic develops. I never did get much discussion on it, I didn't post it on this forum as I was afraid you guys would take offence. Feel free to read it, and leave your comments. Homophobia and masculinities among young men

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#141600 - 02/14/07 03:31 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression? [Re: Koveri]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hey Guys,

Why worry about being called a "fag" (fag = Fabulous and Gay). You could always use that against the people who call you that.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#141921 - 02/16/07 08:55 PM Re: how to deal with homophobes, hate-speech, agression? [Re: duncanUK]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Galapogos, maybe you can move, like Mark said, or better yet, take a holiday to the obvious place - The Galapogos, an uninhabited nature reserve in the middle of the ocean.

See I used to get hassled by girls, gangs of them. I grew up in a rough area and that was what I had to deal with and even though I suppose other men would have found the attetnion flattering, to me it was horrible. I'd go into panic attacks every time I saw a group of teenage girls.

I don't think it has anything to do with being gay. Cos I'm straight and people seem to know that, but it doesn't stop certain of them from victimising me. Is it any coincidence that I was abused by women, I think not. It might not be that you are gay, but you wear something about your character that says you were abused by a man perhaps?

A lot of people burned and destroyed a lot of other people, and still do in some places. If you want to talk to someone who really knows a lot about gays and different cultures PM Koveri, he'll take you to school. Every time I meet him in the chat I learn a whole new side to the world of gay people and specifically how it differs all over the world. One cultures 'Faggot' is anothers institution.

* Did you know in Afganistan nearly all tribal men, and especially elders have a gay lover? These are the people who are supporting the Taliban (or someone else depending on what day it is) - with the right political spin they could claim they were being persecuted for their sexual orientation too!

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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