Long story short: I suffered CSA. I'm gay, haven't come out (though at 40 friends/family probably figuring it out). I have low self-esteem, low self confidence, i.e I don't feel any gay pride. I think I'm straight acting, but I don't know, I don't think about it much.

Last week I was walking home from work downtown and passed by a group of 5 teenagers, about 15 years old, they were trying to look punk-rock I guess, I didn't think about it. Right as the last one passed me he whispered "faggot". I didn't realize what he'd said til about 3 steps later. I kept walking, didn't look back. I felt scared, intimidated, angry, shamed, upset.

I keep stewing about it. How should I have reacted? What will I say or do when I see them again? They loiter around downtown a lot.

A couple of days later I was passing 4 different teenagers coming towards me, they were acting loud, agressive. I have a habit of talking to myself quietly, I'm not always aware I'm doing it. I was rambling something, not loud enough for anyone to hear. As they passed me one of them was loudly saying "better shut your fucking mouth bitch" and then I wondered if he was talking to me?

In my rational mind I think that I have to not give my power away, don't let others decide how I should feel about me, don't give them the satisfaction of upsetting me. But in my gut, all these feelings are triggered, part of me wants to take them all on, not let them walk all over me, stand up to them, etc. But I'm never going to get their respect anyway, I can't take on the whole world, or all the street kids I pass by on the way to work. That's another concern, that I'd become a target for verbal abuse from the them. Part of me is scared too. I don't know. I don't have a network of gay friends to support me, or give me perspective. Any feedback is welcome.

sounds like you need a lesson in gay pride 101. since im the most vocal homosexual in the chat room here.. (and i gave that title to myself) let me give you some advice. people are always going to hate you for one reason or another. they will hate how you look or how you dress or how you talk. they will hate you if you are straight or gay. thats just a part of life. i think you are picking up on it because you are insecure. the only thing that makes gay guys different from straight guys (beside the obvious sexual preference) is tough skin. the more you embrace your sense of self the more you will pick up on those around you being assholes. but it also builds up your skin. so in situations like the jerk who called you a faggot, you just keep walking. theres nothing you can say to him. theres no need to fight. you ARE a faggot. you just need to take pride in that and wear it well.

Removed a trigger word.

kids who say this kind of thing in this day and age

are indeed kids

- a lot of kids don't really make a big to do about sexuality - these days

but there are those who are insecure about who they are -

and haven't formed those - secure self knowing stuff -

take it not personally - (hard to do)

but think of it - as an adult - to a child -

who doesn't know themselves - and clings to something to help them - feel ok -


like - fashion -

or like a whole extreme punk fashion -

probably more bark than bite - no?

dont' get ruffled by it -

i try to remain stoic -

and if they get directly in my face -

i give them a look - a look through them -
that usually reminds them they are kids -

and to them they might think

'yeah we're just goofin'"

try not to walk in these areas -

if it's consistently going on -

if you can avoid - it

it's extra stress no one needs -

like - since i was mugged by these black

teens - who stole my camera and cell phone

but then wanted to be sure - i would keep my coat to stay warm

and be able to have access to my money??

silly -

they are so bratty -

but i was like - wtf - i just left
canceled stuff

and was 'out' about 600 dollars to replace everthing -
nice

kids these days... am i old - no they're fuckers !

any - take it easy

and maybe if you can -

start to make some gay friends your age -

it's not good to be alone - in the world

pax

m

oh my point was -

i've changed subway stops now

since the kids down at that stop

usually cause raucousness

so -

i walk to another one now -

it's just as close - if not closer i've found

and the word faggot

personally i don't like

i've used it

sadly on those folks

who really act a complete stereotype

but moreso

with a lack of humanity and cowardice

i've even called a straight man

a total faggot -

it's a word - i don't really want to use
again

it's not good

i'm not perfect at it

but i try to stay away from judgements

somebody ought to teach those punks some fucking manners. faggot is a shitty word ,my dad always called me that even before i knew what it meant ,heh jokes on him i turned out straight lol.

faggot is only a "bad word" when it is meant to be used in a negative way. people are so touchy about it. just accept it. i call myself a faggot all the time. or homo. or queer. so when someone calls me that, its okay because i am one. i dont hide it or cower in the corner. that only increases the jerks desire to torment you.

dude - faggot means bundle of sticks

those bundles in the middle ages were used to burn us at the stake

faggot is a BAD WORD .

Mark is right. The word 'faggot' implys that people like us are only worth burning as human torches. You've heard the term 'flaming faggot'.

Koveri