Well, here it goes again. Another fight. Another trigger. After sex in the shower and a boatfull of "I love you's" and a delightful dinner at our favorite restaurant at *our* table. We're talking about where we want to go on our upcomming vacation (and my birthday).
I get the feeling that he doesn't really want to go backpacking NE of Yosemite--certainly the 10 hour drive is out. He mentions flying to Seattle then driving to Vancouver. Well, we did that last year, and the men there were what I considered to be more *his* type than mine. He had tons of eye candy and I had nothing. Vancouver is out with me. He started to hint around that maybe since my job was so new that I wouldn't be able to take a whole week off and that maybe we should do something close to home. ZZZZZZZZ. It's my 35th birthday. I have waited all my life to be 35. It's my big year--the one I've been trying to get to since I was 13. I want to do something spectacular.
We keep mentioning things. I talk about maybe going to the Russian River and camping. Turns out that he's already done that with his over lovers. He hangs out at these "clothing optional" type places (a bathhouse by a different name). He keeps talking about going to some of these types of places.
I am gay, but I'm terrified of going to all gay places. I just like to be in mixed company and if there are gays around, then cool. But I don't like to be in "resorts" or "clubs" or anything like that where it is exclusively gay men. It is a trigger for me to even think about it.
Now I feel like he is a big monster who is out to rape me and since he keeps bringing up these types of places that I must be holding him back from doing something that he really wants to do, etc. But I can't stand the thought of going there. Yet with all of his past lovers, he has gone to nude beaches, etc.
I'm no prude--when I was single I went to bathhouses, sex parties, orgies, etc. and really miss it. I have to really curtail my appetite to be with hot men that walk down the street. I see one and I feel like I need to have him because if I do somehow all of this pain that I'm feeling will go away.
My relationship is in trouble. He just told me to "grow up" after this fight. My mind tells me that "growing up" means that I will have to endure him gawking at other naked men, leaving me behind, or, ultimately, raping me and hurting me.
I can't keep going through this cycle. I can't seem to make it stop. I am in therapy and my T* says that I'm doing really good and getting much better, but it's draining the relationship to no end.
I just want to pack my bags and move somewhere far, far away.