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#71173 - 08/09/01 08:00 PM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I,ve put off going to counseling. I have to go to the center on MOndays or thursdays between 12:30 or so.

I am spending a lot of time wtrapped up in other things. I even have a sore throat that has been bothering me and can't seem to go to the doctors to get it checked out. It got like this after that B*****rd came in my mouth I don't know maybe a day or two and now it is like the left side of my throat on the inside is swollen or soemething. I really do not know what it is?

Anyway I have been caught up in important meetings and today I noticed that a man in the meeting who was a bit effeminate , you know the gay stereo type look and act of a gay man made me nervous. I am not sure if this was because of my recent abuse or if because it was a higher altitude in a tall building with the windows open. But I felt nervous when people would pat me on the back or get close to me.


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#71174 - 08/10/01 03:32 AM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I saw him today when I walked to the bus stop. I don't thnk he saw me and I walked back the other way.

How do I get him it has been over two weeks. WHAt do I do? DO I make a complaint? Someone please tell me what to do before I call up any favors from my friends around here who know me. The ex-gang members and drug dealers who can still get the ones still in the racket to run interference for me.

I was never into any of that, but where I live now I have helped a lot of people who are trying to better themselves. If they even heard about what this guy did to me I am so afraid what they might do to him.

[ 08-10-2001: Message edited by: donp ]


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#71175 - 08/10/01 06:30 AM Re: I was used
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
don't do anything to hurt this other guy or have someone else do it for you. that will just create more problems. do all you can to avoid him. if he gets hurt, the satisfaction you may feel will be shortlived but the problems it may create for you could have a long life. protect yourself. you are doing better, I think. do you think the counseling is helping?


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#71176 - 08/11/01 01:06 AM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I can't hurt nobody so why did I even write it down. I am doing so much better. Yeah. right!

I found out I have tonsilitis. That is what the doctor said in the emergency room. But when I related the sexual assault they kind of believed me but then they didn't once they find out my address they have tendency not to believe anything I say. I hate all of them .I just hate them.

These bastards know they can get away with it because I am sick with neuropsychiatric problems. For them that means mental.

What the hell stops me from getting passive aggressive like doing what I said I might.

How come they get away with this crap?

No one will answer me will they, because you probaby think I am mental, well screw you too.

I haven't been going to counseling. Do you know why, because I am still vulnerable. I have worked so hard to get better, became homeless, gave up a good housing situation just to get better and then these bastards come along and want to probably give me HIV.

I have to get an Hiv test now, because I was asked to lie down by a male nurse to be given an antibiotic shot and I couldn't because I started to cry . The doctor came back into the emergency room and I told him that I couldn't because this is how he started. He made me lie on my stomach. I don't want to go to counseling. I am afraid afraid someone will try to hurt me, if I tell them.

I am very suggestible, I do what they say.

Why? I know why? Because the medicine is only delaying the degenerative process of my brain, so I will experince times I can be assertive and times I can not.

I really do not know what to do?


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#71177 - 08/11/01 08:08 AM Re: I was used
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
have you reviewed what is happening to your brain with a psychiatrist? who is going over your medication with you? you should be staying with your counselor. please try it again. chuck (pondboy)


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#71178 - 08/14/01 12:41 AM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I have a neuropsychiatrist. I am legitimately suffering from a degenerative inflammatory illness of my brain, which because of my young age of 30 I am able to use medications which older people can not use for the same type of condition.

I am doing fine now. I went to God saturday night and HE has assured me no one will be able to hurt me that way anymore.

ANd no I am not talking about suicide. Or hurting soemone else.

I have life to live and this cycling from self destructive behavior and denial I just can not afford to do it because I never know when I won't be able to remember and enjoy life.
I will be fine.


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#71179 - 08/14/01 07:48 PM Re: I was used
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
I'm glad you are doing better. the medication should help you. I'm also glad you have a clear diagnosis. that will help you dealing with it. My thoughts are with you. chuck


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#71180 - 08/15/01 12:47 AM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


FYI

I thought I would leave this little tid bit before I log off of this forum.

I read all of the information concerning the fact that people with disabilities will always be subject to acts of viloence from predators sexual or whatever type of exploitation and there will not be any kind of justice. It is a common thing for me not to be believed. Even if I have a nose bleed due to high blood pressure I have been accused of making my nose bleed just to get attention. There will be some kind of justice for those of us with physical and mental disabilities, somewhere down the road.

When I was at the emergency room I did not want to go to the police because I juist can't handle the mind games they play with you. I have been here before. I went to the police so many years ago and they just made me feel so horrible.

Today I walked by a doctors office with a big blue banner with HIV testing in big letters. I could feel the fear. It will always be in the back of my mind, but I have to keep it there. I have to keep it there. Because I am too sick and I have to live life to the fullest. I have to keep these things the furthest I can from my mind. Or I will never accomplish the things in life I was sent here to do.

I just wished the pain would go away, but with a big strong Father like God protecting me and near I don't have to let the fear and pain overtake me and just picture in my mind my Father holding me in HIs arms. I want my daddy but my daddy could give a crap aboutme, because I know what he did those many years ago to my retarded stepsister. He raped her. I had forgottten about it until I had to see him when I got sick because he was closer to the doctor . He asked me a question ? What did I think about people who committed crimes? In said " You do the crime you do the time." From then on he tried to make me go crazy, I Overdosed on klonipin becasue I thought it would make my headaches go away. It was maing things worse because I was having rebound headaches.

The headaches went away in the hospital after I told the social worker about what my father had done to my stepsister. I had kept that buried so long. Me, he used to beat the living crap out of me. I was pawned off from one parent to the next or even pawned onto relatives when I was growing up. He used to say not to say anything because if my grandmother had a heart attack it would be my fault.

Like that person who told me god wouldn't love me anymore if my bishop found out what was happening, to this guy telling me I would be finished and life would be over if I told anyone what was going on, It has been the story of my life, but when I told on this guy to the Bishop I broke the cycle of these types of people hurting me, I hope.

I don't understand the resons for my sexual abuse as an adult. Ihave to be honest. I know exactly what it is. As my brain deteriorates and my short term memory gets harder to use, those long term memories which I have from my childhood are welling up and so are the emotions as a child. I want my daddy. I want my daddy to love me. I want my daddy to hold me. I want my daddy to come home. but my daddy wants me to keep my mouth shut about what he did to my stepsister. So he continues to try to tell everyone that I am crazy, even my relatives, but they believe me, other than what my dad did to my stepsister. And his constant telling them not to believe anything I say they are starting to ignore.

So now I am getting better since I broke this cycle I hope. But I am on my medicine and the question will remain with me will another person make me compliant again? I don't know.

I just long to go home to be with my real father who is in heaven. The one who will not nor has abandoned me although I play passive agressive games with Him I know He still loves me.


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#71181 - 08/21/01 08:29 PM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I am going to go to therapy on thursday. I can,t stop blaming myself. No matter what, I still feel ashamed.

I am afraid. I don't know why I keep coming back to this site.

I just want to be punished. I can't help it. Everything my real dad told me and the abusers keep creeping into my thoughts.

I have to deal with this because if I don't I will forfeit achieving my true potential. I am doing things right now which I never thought I could, because these people made me believe that I was a bad person, I wonder how much more I could accomplish.

I will start thursday. I wished I had someone to talk to.

I also think that all of this talk on the television is also triggering memories.


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