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#71163 - 07/31/01 07:03 PM I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I let this guy know what happened to me in 1996 . How a homeless person I tried to help had sex with me and then started to blackmail me and I became his sex slave for a bout 9 months. I am suffering with brain damage as a result of my last job, being exposed to weird chemicals. I wasn't on the proper medication and so this guy would hide my medicine and then he would tell me that if I told anyone he would say that I was forcing him to stay and coercing him into having sex. He told me that God would not love me anymore if my bishop found out and he would constantly tell me that who was going to believe me because I was mental. God. I could barely walk because Of the neuropathy that I had really bad, why did this guy make me believe all this crap.

So now I decide to tell someone what happened to me. I had stopped taking my medicine for 1 week without realizing it, because I kept putting off going to the pharmacy. So here I go telling this guy all the things which happened to me. I even told him about the memory problems. SO I let him into my house and he tells me his story which is crap and he wants me to have oral sex with him. I tell him no. But he keeps telling me all this stuff and then he comes over to my bed and says that all he wants to do is hold my hand. While he does this he tells me that He felt like he has known me for ever and that he will never leave me. I have been alone for so long that I will do anything for someone to love me. So he gives me a massage then he gets naked and has me give him oral sex. Afterwards he starts apologizing for having convinced me to do this over and over again.

I got back on my medicine and almost jumped off the 8th floor of a mall in the inside. Now I just keep masturbating and can't stop. My penis is so sore. Why do I keep doing this? He still wants to be my friend. I want him to leave me alone. Now I won't let no one touch me. I won't go to church. I wanted to live and now I just want to die.


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#71164 - 07/31/01 07:46 PM Re: I was used
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
you've been used. and its not your fault. don't let what some creep did to you when you were not yourself define you. don't let him get power over your thoughts. are you getting any counseling.? keep talking in the discussion forum and let us know how you are doing. chuck (pondboy)


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#71165 - 07/31/01 09:57 PM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


It is like this guy has some control over me. Even though this isn't the guy that had me a prisoner in my own home. I still, when I see this new guy feel like I have to perform for him. It is so strange. Like I have to please him or he will hurt me. I get scared and I don't know why? My doctor says that i am well enough now to defend myself, but my mind takes me back to that last time., and so I feel helpless. My body still fatigues pretty quickly, because my lungs aren't working well. I have to use oxygen-for real. So when I am in an isolated situation I feel like the only way to get out of it is perform. I was afraid he would get angry with me if I didn't please him. I say that I was lonely. Yes, but I was also afraid and when I don't take my medicine this is how I get, afraid. It is like everyone is expecting me to kill myself. I read the other posts and I am wondering if this could be shame or guilt. I couldn't feel anything when he touched me. I am wondering if that is the results of the demyelinating neuropathy or because I just didn't want to be here. It is like I shut the whole world out, no emotions. Just working to survive. But why? Was I in danger?

I am starting to see that my whole life now revolves around pleasing the men around me, not sexually, but whenever they ask me for something I am afraid to say no.

Why do I think no one will believe me? What if any is there any diference between childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual abuse? WHy do I feel this way? And why is this guy trying to always come around me and say he wants to be my friend? Then start saying he is lonely? I know what he means. I can't avoid him he goes to the same church. He just moved here to this city and I thought he was a nice person and then found out he was lying. I was angry and not sad . Usually I cry a lot now I can't cry, I can't cry.


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#71166 - 08/01/01 04:05 PM Re: I was used
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Don,

I believe you.

The guy that turned you into his like slave and did that whole guilt number on your head, what an asshole, that is like so so so terrible, its just horrible that anyone would do that to another person, i am glad he is no longer in your life.

For me, compulsive masturbation was just another way to not be there, an escape from the pain i saw all around me.

The part about him having some kind of control over you, thats what i call me going on *autopilot* for me its like i am out of control and i am getting triggered somehow so that i am like acting out something from the past, i cant really make any kind of good decisions for myself and am just pretty much at the mercy of whoever is there, i think it has a lot to do with me needing to be perfect so someone will love me.

When i disassociate its almost always cus the situation i am in is unpleasant or worse and i just dont want to be there, so i go away.

As far as this guy coming around, he does not sound like he is too healthy for you to hang out with him, it sounds like maybe he is taking advantage of your situation to get what he wants, i dont hear anything about him truly caring about you at all. If i could not do it for myself i would try and find someone to help me if i was you, someone to like run interference so this leach does not suck you dry and then just throw you away, which as harsh as it may sound is what it sounds like to me.

I dont like the part about not crying, when i get like that its cus i am shut down and that means i am not in a good place.

I hope things get better for you real soon.

John

[ 08-01-2001: Message edited by: SoCalJohn ]

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#71167 - 08/01/01 08:23 PM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I went to counseling today. Thanks for the advice. I went to the Gay and leasbian center in hollywood and talked with a counselor. I told him what happened and now I will start counseling next week.

I know quite a bit about physiology and neurophysiology so I have a tendency not to asociate any of my behaviors with emotions, but with the neurochemical cause. You are right socal that I compulsively masturbated to get out. I don't drink, smoke, use drugs, or alcohol, or even caffeine. So I was able to tell the counselor about his and the conclusion was drawn that I was self-medicating. The masturbation releases endorphins so I was getting high through this. I will hit the gym tomorrow. But the most important thing is that I cried. It took a while but I cried. This recent attack has triggered a lot of memories from my youth and from killing people In desert storm. I have a lot of issues to deal with. My doctor will not touch the emotional issues, becasue he believes that I am suffering from inflammation of the brain, so if I don't take my medicine, I just can't cope.

I have hurt so many people and I mean Iraqis. The war wasn't just a bunch of button pushing from miles away. SO I happen to be one of the many combat vets who actully killed people and saw the results. I can't say no to people because I don't want to hurt anyone even their emotions. I do beleive that the perfection issue may be a part of it too. But this guy triggered too much trauma for me.

When this guy made me his slave I wasn't on the proper medication and the pain was unbearable, but because my memory was so bad I haven't dealt with it yet.

I want to live that is why I went to the counselor. I have worked too hard. I almost became a mental vegetable and sacrificed a lot to get treatment for my illness. So I have to confront things which I don't want to. But I am still afraid of my abusers. Because I kept telling the counselor it was my fault. And since I helped kill all those iraqis I don't deserve any better.I,m bad.


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#71168 - 08/03/01 01:11 AM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I found out what happened to me is called.

It is called exploitation of the disabled or elderly. Wow.


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#71169 - 08/03/01 04:09 PM Re: I was used
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hi,
I see this in myself...once forced to submit totally..it is very hard for most people to say no. I can't do it unless I really work on it and sometimes that don't work...hidding works and jacking off is OK...self-med...other people don't like it and try to force it on you...use lots of lub!

Eddie


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#71170 - 08/04/01 03:06 PM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


It was like reading a chapter in my life. Compulsive masterbation is an awful way to live. So Cal John said it really well. Its not you're fault. You have company here. I hope things get for you.

D.


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#71171 - 08/06/01 02:07 PM Re: I was used
Anonymous
Unregistered


I don't really know why I keep writing on this board. I know I have said everything there is to say.I just can't believe what has happened to me over the last coupleof yrs. I can't believe I let people hurt me. I can't believe it.

I talked with my bishop yesterday at church because I took someones advice on this bb and went to someone who could run interference for me. I asked him to make this guy leave me alone. He said the guy wasn,t invited anymore and as hard as it was i even told him he threatened me.

I can't believe how sick I got just thinking about going to church yesterday. My lower legs started to hurt and give way. when I got there I was a freak. I wouldn't let no one touch me. I think that is waht I was afraid to go to church with all these people hugging each other and wrapping their arms around each other. I was shaking and couldn't believe the crap I was telling the bishop. How I want them to stop hurting me, but who? I want them to leave me alone. I want them to leave me alone. I told him how one of my previous bishops told me after he found out what happened to me in 1996 and 1997 that if I had of told him he would have made it stop. And then I kept saying over and over to make it stop, don't let them hurt me. But who the hell are them? It was only this guy doing it .I just was afraid. Anyway as this guy never showed up, I began to feel comfortable around my friends, although now I have decided I will not get too close to anyone especially new ppeople who come to our church.

I met with the bishop and he pretty much indicateed that previous bishops said this guy was having problems and he didn't go into detail.

So thanks to you guys I have averted a situation which would have gotten out of hand. And I am safe . But believe me I am sitll going to go to the GAy and lesbian center for counseling. I have to . They deal with these situations all the time. I just know I will put it out of my mind and it will come back to haunt me. Teenagers in their late teens pretty much scare the living crap out of me right now. There are more issues that are being drawn out because of what recently happened to me. I just hope I don't sink all of a sudden. I am afraid of the counseling actually, too much hurt.


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#71172 - 08/06/01 06:14 PM Re: I was used
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
you may be concerned about the counseling hurting and it might!! but it will help you understand the basis of your pain. I'd keep trying some good physical exercise to see if you can get some peace that way. keep writing to us. we care about how you are doing. chuck


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