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#71140 - 12/24/06 11:55 PM Kidding myself
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I usually post in the members' section for various reasons, but I thought I could use some more input from the public forum.

I was abused at age 10. An effect of that was that I couldn't put the pieces together until I was 28 when I had an emotional breakdown and realized that I am gay. Before that breakdown, I had been married for four years and had a child.

Over the last seven years, I've been telling myself that I am perfectly comfortable being gay, but I realize now I have been kidding myself. It's not that I fear being gay or feel being gay is somehow wrong, but I was living a straight life for so long that it left me uncomfortable with being gay. I don't know how to reconcile my life to that.

I can't explain it any better than that right now.

Any comments are appreciated.


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#71141 - 12/25/06 12:10 AM Re: Kidding myself
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Dewey,

It may come down to you getting to know your emotions and self - and love for another - in a much more depthful way. I am not judging your past relationships. Nor am I saying, that your gay - life is purely sexual.

But I think that - as a gay man, I have found for myself, in knowing who I am now, and making mistakes along the way for sure -

I have read - and talked - and found many men - experience and regail so much information about gayness - that make discovering yourself - a really wonderful thing.

I don't know exactly where the discomfort is from -

I do not know where - you are deriving YOUR VISION of what gay means to You.

But like anyone - our sexual and emotional lives -and who we care about is as different - on a lot of levels - as snowflakes.

and yes - the happy times and bad times -

and self care - and caring for your partner - are all in the fabric - of loving someone.

whether you only want sexual relationships -

is anyone's straight or gay's choice -

OR - if you want full life partner relationships -

or just boyfriends - is another option -

a among many -

I hope you are seeing a therapist who is gay

straight therpists - no offense - kind of got me -
better - you know? -

anyway - ttyl

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71142 - 12/25/06 12:16 AM Re: Kidding myself
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hey - i didn't mean to sound so opionionated here -

just i hope you can keep open to a really diverse definition - of gay

and also a big self appreciation on a basic level.

being gay - is a small part of who you are.

Dewey - you're a lot of things - and having a male partner - is just one detail.

Any relationship - is difficult to negotiate -

even the one with yourself -

have patience for yourself - please - take it slow - and small steps -

and as you date more and more -

you may realize a self comfort - which invites

happier connections \:\)

Peace -
Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71143 - 12/25/06 12:18 AM Re: Kidding myself
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i hope something in this is useful to you.


ttyl - mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#71144 - 12/28/06 04:01 AM Re: Kidding myself
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
Dwayne,
I would like to summarize my thoughts in a few words, but it is difficult. Can you establish any part of your identity (who you really "are") in one word? Are you your thoughts?

I think no to both; you are more than one word and more than what your mind can ever think at one moment. Just be, don't try to define who you are with one word.

If being "gay" means being a part of a subculture (which begins to try to homogenize our experiences as multi-layered individuals) - then I say don't be gay. Be different AND be attracted to men, without having to identify with all things "gay".

Does that make sense?

It's where I am at after 20 years of identifying myself as gay.

JTS

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#71145 - 12/28/06 05:56 AM Re: Kidding myself
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Dwayne,

I continue to try to understand the depth of my abuse has had on who I am.

I was abused from the time I was 7/8 years old till I was around about 11/12 years old by older friends of my brother's. They were all at least 5/ 6 years older then me. I remember thinking it was completely normally to do the things we were doing. It was what boys did together, till my first experience with a girl. That's when the confusion set in. I realized the social normal was for boys to be with girls, so I suppressed everything inside, BUT I STILL HAD FEELLINGS THAT DID NOT MEET THE NORM.

When I came to terms that I had been abused at the age of 26, I thought it meant I had to be gay. It was part of the issues that lead to my divorce; the other was that my ex-wife was having several affairs. After my divorce, I explored my sexuality and met a friend that continues to be the only person that knows everything about my abuse, my sexuality issues and confusions, hell my life. He has very strong feelings for me, but realizes I'm not able to give him what he desires from me, yet he continues to be my friend. That is really hard for my to understand. I don't feel I deserve his friendship because I'm not able to be honest about our friendship. Maybe it's more I'm not able to be honest with myself about who I am.

See, I have two daughters from my first marriage and I have remarried, yet I still have confusion about my own sexuality. It's depressing and I struggle because my friend is the only one I have to talk to about my feelings. I have suppressed my sexuality feelings because of fear my ex-wife will use it to turn my girls against me. My girls live with her and she has taught them that homosexuality is wrong. I have tried to teach them that everyone has to love someone, who are we to judge them. My current wife knows that I was abused, but not the details and has trouble understanding my need to seek counseling for something that happened so long ago.

Sorry I ramble on so long, but I wanted you to see that you are not alone.

BEST OF LUCK!!! XO

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#71146 - 12/28/06 05:08 PM Re: Kidding myself
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
After giving it some thought, I'm not sure what it means to be myself. I'm not sure how to answer the question, "Who am I?"

I've always believed that I need to define myself outside of being my kids' father, or my company's employee, or my parents' son; that I need to define myself in terms of 'me'.

How do I do that? Any thoughts?


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#71147 - 12/28/06 05:29 PM Re: Kidding myself
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
I try to think back before the abuse...what things i like..things i did....when i was not so consumed with the sex thing....

_________________________
Come heal with me

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#71148 - 12/28/06 05:32 PM Re: Kidding myself
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
some of those things are part of us..and other things....like MS...you and me...keep on changing

_________________________
Come heal with me

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#71149 - 12/28/06 07:58 PM Re: Kidding myself
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Dewey,

Quote:
I've always believed that I need to define myself outside of being my kids' father, or my company's employee, or my parents' son; that I need to define myself in terms of 'me'.

How do I do that? Any thoughts?
Just a thought, but I think you are looking for a way to define you that doesn't incorporate those things along with a gazillion other things that you do. That's impossible. We really can't isolate anything, good or bad and say that's it, that's why I'm me. It all has an effect and it all comes together to create the being that we are.

At work, you're an employee, maybe the boss, but that's what you are when you’re there. At home, you're Dad or husband or fixer-upper or lawn mower guy or head chef and sometimes all of those things at once. On your birthday, you're the birthday boy to be celebrated, but the next day, you're just Dewey again.

We are different people at different times, usually many times a day depending on whose company we’re keeping. We're probably the most different to ourselves when we look in the mirror and try to figure it all out but the truth is, we’re all of it. It’s just a matter of which face we present to the world. I think the trick is to become comfortable enough with the face in the mirror so that it, and the one we take outside, are pretty much the same.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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