Hi, group.

I just need to do a quick vent and say that I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. I told my partner that I should be at Bellevue playing in a crib with a rattle.

Work is extraordinarily stressful right now and my stress is further compounded by major flashbacks and feelings from long ago that are leaking. This past weekend I thought I had everything under control. Then, today at lunch, I saw a blonde waiter and thought that my partner is probably seeing him behind my back because he's a blonde and a twink, etc. and my inner abuser tells me that I should loose control because I can't be everything to my partner.

I don't need that right now. I thought I could come to work and be energized but I'm exhausted, run down, tired and feeling sick. I have full-blown AIDS and am worried that I am going to start to loose all of my health that I have spent so long building back since '97 when I had PCP, et al.

I'm going through total hell right now and am fighting the urge to use my old defenses (running away, pushing others away, sexual release, etc.) to make myself feel better. Of course, it's all at the expense of others, especially my partner.

I'd give anything right now for some magic pill or a mantra--or a padded room with pink walls.

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Scotty

whew!! it's overwhelming to even read the stress you are feeling. I sure hope you have some trick to allow yourself to relax. can music, meditation or just being along help? I have a high stress life and have found that I can do deep massage on my hands when I'm really stressed and it relaxes me and no one knows what I'm doing. please take a deep breath , then another. walk. sleep. escape from it.

Scotty,

I been thinking abou you some today, dude, i was thinking just a bit ago about what do i do to lighten up the load when i am feeling things get all heavy and i decided to share one of the things i do with you so here goes,,,

i got started making lists for myself so i dont forget stuff, i usually do it in the morning at my desk when i am starting to feel overwhelmed, i force rank everything into four categories,,

important and urgent

important but not urgent

not so important but urgent

and

not so important and not so urgent

when i am stressing big i cant get a whole lot done, some days just getting the list done is a big accomplishment. Once i got the list made it like helps tons just having crap down on paper so i dont have to think about it all the time and it makes it lots easier to get a grip on it all, makes it easier to concentrate on the things that are important and or urgent.

I keep working from the list till i feel better about things.

New stuff comes up, i rank it and add it.

The goal each day becomes to just get what i can done and crossed off the list. Some days i dont get anythings done, others i get one done, some i get a shitload done, the deal is as long as its on the list i dont have to stress about it, i will get to it. I start work at 5.30 or 6 am and some days i work till 10 am, others till 9 am others till 2 or 3 pm and some till 8 or 9 pm.

When my brain tells me it has had enough for the day, i am done, sometimes i just go home and take a nap, other times i go goof aeround online or whatver, i just let the lsit wait till the next day.

i dont know if it makes much sense to you or if its something you would want to check out, just kinda putting it out there cus it helps me.

Dude, stressing sucks up energy, i dont like being in that place.

right now i am taking it pretty easy on me, best i can that is.

Hugs to ya, be kewl, k?

John

john. good ideas. how are YOU? I've been thinking about you alot. chuck