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#71095 - 07/05/01 11:32 AM Whe do I cry
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Guys, I have been a member of NOMSV since this past February. I have been seeing a counselor each week, except for his vacations and Christmas and New Years each week, and now we have a group of other abused males - first 3 of them, and now for the last two weeks 1 more other guy, so I think I am trying to deal with what happened to me by my daddy in 1949, and two other 18yr old males in 1951 when I was only 7. What I do not understand is the thoughts of what happened to me then keep coming to the forefront of my mind ALL THE TIME. The worse is when I see a father walk with him his son or carry his son, on TV, out in a park, or especially in chuurch when they go past me on their way back to wher they are seated. As some of you may know, I'm now in a wheelchair because of being hit by a NYC subway train, and when I see a father and son, I cry openly many times and I think of why I didn't see my daddy for the three years. I was in a hospital back in the early 50s. Even when the woman next to me tries to help me the crying continues. I keep thinking things will get better as I deal with the past, but it does the oposite. I keep asking WHY, why do things get worse. I realize I'm gay and that doesn't bother me, even though my other brothers and one sister may think otherwise. For me that isn't a problem, but CHYING IS. WHY, any thoughts?? thank you, bosishere


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#71096 - 07/05/01 07:39 PM Re: Whe do I cry
Anonymous
Unregistered


My father had rigid ideas about what it was to be a "man". I was basically abused into not crying (and also not only not showing my emotions, but not feeling my emotions.) I am surprised at what sets me off at times, though. I cried and cried at the end of the movie "Field of Dreams" where the main character gets to play ball with his father. Some sentimental song on the radio the other day started unlocking some of my frozen emotions, and I cried through almost the entire song. In our culture, males are told that crying is a sign of weakness. When I see a father being kind to his son, it affects me, knowing that I never had that, and will never have that. Sometimes being gay bothers me, but I am coming to more of an acceptance of it being a part of who I am. I just get so tired of the gay "subculture" at times. The only close relative that is speaking to me is my sister, and I told her that I am gay, but she is in denial about it. I was injured at work in December of last year, and have some problems because of that. So, I have some understanding of where you are. However, about all I can say is that I understand. I don't have the answers for me, much less answers for anybody else.


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#71097 - 07/07/01 03:14 PM Re: Whe do I cry
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
SoCalJohn and SCOTTOKc thank you both very mucu for your posts. With a Catholic Seminary education, "coming out gay" in 1974, and work, I really didn't deal with what happened in 1949 and 1951. But after surviving a subway train hitting me, and hearing all the news of two public men raping young boys here in Nashville last summer, I know I had a lot of time to think. I have told my counselor that this repair is taking a lot of time - maybe that's my Irish herritage talking-but he told me it could take several years, so again I thank you for telling me that it's not my fault and I'm not alone. bosishere


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#71098 - 07/13/01 11:53 AM Re: Whe do I cry
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi! I, too, used to feel uncomfortable with crying and also believed that uncomfortable feelings are bad and comfortable feelings are good. Through recovery, I have learned that feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. I worked hard to learn to accept ALL o fmy feelings as good, healthy and important - no, essentail - elements of who I am. I have found that the best lessons and insights often come from the most uncomfortable experiences, including lots of crying.

I, too, have been crying a lot, and I have also been crying when I see two people together who seem connected, to like/love eachother, to feel comfortable just beeing together. This is something that has been especialy hard for me, and leaves me feeling very alone and lonely. I want deparately to have what these other people seem to have,to love and be loved, and yet, it is still beyond my grasp at the moment. ( I am beginning to cry as I write this!).

It sounds to me like you cry about seeing fathers and sons or similar scenes because you have lots of grief about not having the same for yourself. I know that is what I felt and cried about for years because my dad, too, was one of my abusers, as was my brother. You have every right to cry and allow yourself to grieve the tremendous loss you have experienced through your abuse.

Grief is very painful and uncomfortable. It usually invovles lots of tears, and is often uncontrollable, i.e., it wells up at a moment's notice.

My guess is that you have lots of crying to do, and for very, very good reasons...and you are entitled to cry. Crying is actually a very healthy and good thing, even though it is uncomfortable, painful, can be embarassing if you got negative messages as a child about crying, etc.

The only way out is through...this is a great lesson I've learned. If I am to heal and recover from my abuse, I must walk through the pain, not around it or try to avoid it altogether.

I wish you a healing journey! Keep hanging in there!

Lance


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#71099 - 07/17/01 11:11 AM Re: Whe do I cry
goflyakiteV Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/01
Posts: 66
Loc: n.a.
DEAR BOS......YOU REMEMBER THE OLD SAYING, "LAUGH, AND THE WORLD LAUGHS WITH YOU, CRY, AND YOU CRY ALONE," ? WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, THATS CRAP! WHEN YOU CRY, IT HEALS YOU IN A SENCE. YOUR FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS NEED A "GOOD" CRY. I'M A MAN, 53 AND STILL CRY WHEN I FEEL WARMTH, BEAUTY, SADNESS, HAVE TURMOIL, OR JUST LOOKING AT A BLUE SKY WITH WHITE PUFFS OF CLOUDS. DON'T EVER FEEL THAT JUST BECAUSE WE ARE MEN THAT WE CAN'T CRY! MY FATHER TOLD ME NEVER TO CRY, EVEN WHEN HE HIT ME OR EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

CRYING IS A RELEASE, A VENTING OF NEED! HELL, I EVEN CRY WHEN I'M HAPPY! SOOOO, DON'T FEEL ASHAMED WHEN YOU CRY! FEEL ASHAMED WHEN YOU SEE OR REMEMBER SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL AND NOT CRY!

YES, WE ARE MEN. BUT DO WE NOT HAVE FEELINGS?

WHERE IS IT WRITTEN THAT WE SHOULDN'T ?

IF GOD MADE MEN AND WOMEN EQUAL, WELL?

TO ALL OF US, SLEEP WELL TONIGHT.....SCOT \:\) \:\) \:\)


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#71100 - 07/17/01 02:22 PM Re: Whe do I cry
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I want to cry more, i tend to hold back feelings. what ever you are feeling it is ok to feel that way.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#71101 - 07/18/01 02:41 PM Re: Whe do I cry
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Guys, thank you VERY much for your posts. Prior to the train hitting me, I tried to put the past behind me. However, after being hit, I was taken to the nearest hospital, which has, unbeleavelibly, the same name as the one I was abused in back in Mass. I was there for three (3) years either on my back or stomach because of a bone disease. I have learned from my counselor that, as you all say, crying is good for you. Each day now, I keep thinking I am the guy who is now here, even though my brain and body are a hell of a lot different than b4 the accident. Each day I have to "learn" that I can't be that way any more, so with the abuse AND the train accident problems I try, as you say - "try to make it." thanks again. bosishere@yahoo.com


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