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#70922 - 05/04/01 12:03 PM how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


hey guys, i've posted a couple messages on the other board. my dilema is this, i'm married right now and have two beautiful sons, however i keep looking at gay pornography. i've done this for years. i don't know if it's a product of my abuse or if i'm really gay. i've had a couple of male encounters while i've been married and now i'm talking to another man over the internet and have been doing so for a few months. i'm just really confused right now. any help would be appreciated. my email is charguyus@yahoo.com, thanks.


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#70923 - 05/07/01 08:02 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
hello,I'm replying here but if you want me to reply to your e-mail,please tell me. are you seeing a counselor-if not please do so. I am and also in a group who are just beginning to talk about guys being gay because of what happened.It IS VERY CONFUSING to all of us and some days are of some are very shitty. Me i'm gay and came out in the mid 70's but it is still very confusing when dealing with straight men AND ALL WOMEN. please resoond, my e-mail is bosishere@yahoo.com thanks a milion. sorry for spelling I was hit by a NYC subway train in 1990.


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#70924 - 05/17/01 06:37 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Bull Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/01
Posts: 4
Loc: San Francisco, CA
I'd say it's pretty clear that yes you are gay and which opens up a whole can of worms being married and all. My best advice is to steer way clear of those Exodus folks. Reparative therapy is a medevil falacy of the far Christian right and besides if you really delve into their numbers they don't look good at all. Even their founder recently was spotted in a Gay Bar. Be totally open and honest no matter how difficult and painful. Don't be afraid to ask for help here on the boards. It's difficult but for me living a lie or is much more painful. And I'm sure many on this board can attest to what happens when we try to deny and stuff things. trickytoro@operamail.com if you ever need to talk.


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#70925 - 05/17/01 08:29 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


The first thing I'll strongly suggest is see a counselor and/or find a discussion group. If you can't find any resources, PFLAG (www.pflag.org) is always good.

I too would recomend staying away from the "ex-gay" community. You are either gay or strayt (or bi). Nothing you, I, or anyone else can do will change that.

If you are gay, all any sort of "conversion therapy" will do is make you try to be something you aren't. That's a strong form of denial, and all of what I've seen either here or in the process of coming out leads me to believe denying who we are does anything but hurt. Most of the pain I've felt in my life has come from denying who I am. I don't recomend you do it too. \:\)

If you're strayt, I don't think "conversion therapy" will work either. If you really are strayt, then whatever is generating your attraction to men isn't your sexual identity. Trying to change your sexual identity won't help, since it's not the problem! \:\)

If you're Bi, I don't think "conversion therapy" will help either. It would be emphasizing one part of you over another, knocking you out of balance.

One big question is how satisfactory has your relationship with your wife been (you don't have to tell us the answer). If it's been good (or women play an active part of your sexual fantasies), I'd say consider the possibility you're Bi. Accepting the fact you're Bi wouldn't mean you have to act on it. So you like Playgirls along with Playboys. \:\) And it is possible to be Bi and in a monogamous relationship - one of the women I live with is, as she puts it, "Bi but in a long-term committed Lesbian relationship."

But be honest with yourself. If you aren't really attracted to women, don't pretend to be Bi. If you're really gay, events will arise in your life to where you have to accept it or be VERY miserable. The longer you wait, the worse it'll be. Think on it, but if you are gay, tell your wife sooner than later. It might mean divorce (which is why I say think on it), but if you do it sooner rather than later, you have less chance for your being gay to have damaged your relationship with your wife. Since you have kids, and I think you both will want to stay in their lives, staying as amicable as possible with each other will help.

Take care,

Bill

[ 05-17-2001: Message edited by: Bill ]


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#70926 - 05/17/01 10:01 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Only you can answer that for you.

It dosen't matter to me what you are.

My wife knew me when I drank and when I went to the gay bars for a trick, one night stands. She knew a little, not all the abuse I have been through also.

It was God and I who decieded to get married, when we did, my wife and I.
She was already married but I waited for her devorice to go through.

She had been sexualy abused before and an understanding person in the sexual abuse area of problems.

Like my mother whom died of drinking, I have a problem with drinking. I chose not to drink today because I came to know drinking to well for other reasons, I just don't. But I still can drink, if I want too, someday I may. Who knows? but not today.

It is your behavior that distinguish your interests or desires and make your life arousing, and pertaining to and affecting your sexuality.

I would think, I may be sedateing part of my
feelings for a reason, then when an opportunity, the right mouent to take action toward a definite encounter, a corrupt practice, ranging from exhilaration to stupefaction, then prey to the repetition of compulsion and idealizing, and refusing to acknowledge ones feelings, and passing them on unconsciously to the next generation.

I had help, may you do the same.

fmighell Anc Ak \:D


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#70927 - 05/19/01 03:07 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
how you doing. nice talking last week. I just read through your replies. watch out for the exodus folks. they have their interests at heart, not yours. hope we link up soon. best, chuck


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#70928 - 05/19/01 06:14 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
ALL the replies are GOOD, VERY GOOD at least that is what I think. being gay is not easy for any of us, but as the saying goes --"there IS light at the end of the tunnel." take care Bos


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#70929 - 05/20/01 06:12 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
farscape513 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 13
Loc: Tampabay
It sounds like you have had some good advice on this post. I would agree with the others to stay away from the "aversion" therapy people. I know of no proven cases where it worked. You didn't say if you love your wife. If you do, I would definately try and make it work for the sake of the sons you love. Maybe you just need to drop the pornograph, not the family. Good luck in whatever you do.


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#70930 - 05/26/01 06:47 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
Hi Charguyus,

I was in your shoes just a couple of years ago. The answer to your question is NO, your not gay. Childhood sexual abuse really messes with every early truth and blurs all kinds of boundaries, especially sexuality!

Anyway, there are a lot of reasons for the confusing unwanted attractions. Mine, and probably for most were due to trying to regain CONTROL over what happened to us early on. The need to feel in control and conquer is all rooted back in the abuse itself. And by following this need to overcome just keeps us in the abuse cycle. You are not alone in this, most work through it, but some do get stuck in the cycle.

I have written alot more about these same sex attractions and what causes it in my web page, please read it, you can link to it through my profile.

Your obviously not gay if you have a loving marriage and two boys.

Exodus International does indeed work, denial works BOTH ways as you've seen here. And no, its not their own interests they have at heart, its your heart and soul that there trying to heal and teach.

Nobody is born gay. people get confused early on, some just want to be contrary. It ultimately comes down to choice.

I know people living the gay lifestyle, they are lost souls leading miserable lives, talk about living in denial! They squawk about not being accepted and condoned, as if that was the cause of their sorrow. Meanwhile, if they would just open their own eye's, they'd see just how miserable they and the choice they made are. And does misery love company! Watch out for them.

Love it or hate it, thats just the way it is.

I've lived it & I know...

~George~


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#70931 - 05/26/01 01:24 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
be careful of people like George who are able to be very clear about what you are without knowing you. you and I have talked on the phone several times and it's clear to me that you are searching. don't let someone from a religious organization define you through their terms only. I'm confident that you are doing well and wish you luck. chuck


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#70932 - 05/26/01 03:26 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Charguyus, I very much agree with Pondboy.good luck! bosishere


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#70933 - 05/26/01 05:30 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
Yes, be very careful of people like *me*, but also be very careful of those who try to steer you in the gay direction.

I do believe Charguyus was asking for *any* help, not just to be brain washed into being gay. If I'm not mistaken, someone also told him that "yes, he's gay"...Where was all your concern then I wonder???

My response was based on my own past issues, the same he described as his own. And yes, you bet I'm clear with what I know and say. I am not being controlled by my past abuse any longer, I'm in control of my life and have been for a long time now. I wish for you all the peace I have now.

FYI, I have nothing to do with any religious org or conversions. I just want people to know the truth and not be led to destroy the lives of their wives and kids.

~George~


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#70934 - 05/27/01 06:41 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
farscape513 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 13
Loc: Tampabay
People like George scare me. This site is a place for people with similar problems to come and discuss things with someone who understands those problems. It IS NOT a soap box for people with an agenda to come on and try and "sell" their wares. I don't believe anyone on this board is trying to turn anyone gay, as George contends. If you don't want to discuss issues on which this particular board is intended, then go elsewhere and don't try to add further guilt to a segment of society that has been down the guilt trip road many times. We need understanding here, not sermons.


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#70935 - 05/28/01 12:56 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
If people LIKE me scare you, I have some news for you, I am one of you! Only difference is maybe I am past you in dealing. If some of you can't handle honesty & real life, then maybe you should go back to sticking your heads in the sand.

Just maybe yours is not the only opinion on this subject, heaven forbid, huh? Excuse me, I thought this was a discussion forum, and not just a pitty party.

I could care less if someone's gay, thats their problem. My concern is for guys who were sexually abused (like me) and like most are left with same sex attractions. For just about all, this drive is confusing and *unwanted*, leading to further self loathing. As you know most suffer in silence, alot act out and hate themselves for it.
These are the guys that I want to know that they aren't gay if they don't want to be, not just that being gay is ok and is your right to be. That there is an escape route through all the mess.

Just like they should know that their not the only one s/a ever happened to, they should also know that most suffer the same way as them. That having that same sex attraction doesn't mean that their gay. The same sex attraction *is* a usual residual effect of the abuse. While stuck in this mode, they keep the cycle of abuse alive in their lives. There is a reason for everything we do, and there are plenty for this like, control, fear of opposite sex, self punishment etc...

Now if that info offends you, then your the ones with the agenda. If your too caught up with your rights to do or be anything you want to be, trying to silence any differing opinion, then your the one with the agenda. If you don't see the one sidedness and the steering, its time to open your eyes.

If you still can't or don't want to understad where I'm coming from, then you still have a lot to learn. No sermon, just my view of things.

Another news flash! This is exactly what this forum is for. Discussions usually have more than one side & opinion.

I have met and dealt with a lot of survivors over the years. 90% have had some issues with same sex attractions, most were not gay, but ended up acting out before dealing with the abuse issues. Even *women* survivors I met, that totally blew me away. Nobody on the face of the earth can convince me that s/a doesn't mess with the victims sexuality.

Maybe you still see it as your right, I see it as the abuse/r still abusing, like all the other bad feelings...

~George~


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#70936 - 05/28/01 03:39 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
george. being gay doesn't mean the abuser is still abusing. I agree that there are lots of viewpoints worth exploring but you obviously cannot concieve of a gay man who was abused being an emotionally healthy, mature person. hope that I am wrong but this sounds like what you are saying.


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#70937 - 05/30/01 06:44 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Bull Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/01
Posts: 4
Loc: San Francisco, CA
Being gay, open and honest has been the most wonderful gift in the world. I feel balanced, empathic, and connected to nature. I don't have ridiculous hang ups about being close to male friends whether they be straight or gay. I contribute to society both with my levity and naturally mischevious outlook because I am not constrained unlike my heterosexual friends. I bring laughter, joy and beauty to the world and to those around me. And I don't have to miss out on one thing life has to offer ie. children, marriage, love, comfort. I can and do have all those things and more in abundance thankfully because I am gay and free!


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#70938 - 05/31/01 11:51 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
dbr1955 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/01
Posts: 69
Loc: Michigan
Hi,

everyone take a deep breath, what a discussion about being gay or not.

First realize we have all been sexually, physically, and mentally abused,that comes with the territory. We have all had thoughts of being gay, pornography issues,etc.

Now each person determines how they are going to live their lives, see God doesn't force anything on us, he gives us a free will and we can and are able to choose. As people if we have to argue over out sexual desires,needs or wants, their must be some confusion of right and wrong. Make a list of
the benefits of being gay, then a list of benefits being straight. Now the list should be the whole life cycle (THAT IS WHEN YOU GET OLD AND GRAY, OR WHAT WILL YOU DIE FROM, WHAT lEGACY WILL YOU LEAVE BEHIND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES.

THIS IS A PERSONAL LIST. I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE JUDGEMENT ON ANYONE OF YOU, I JUST KNOW THAT TO LIVE A HEALTHY LIFE,YOU MUST BE HEALTHY IN MIND BODY AND SPIRIT AND IF YOU HAVE TO DEFEND YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFESTYLE,STEP BACK AND THING ABOUT WHY YOU HAVE TOO.


THANKS

DBR

_________________________
Doug

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#70939 - 06/02/01 09:20 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Hello all. I had a long entry to these posts, but just when I was going to tell my computer to post it, NETZERO told me it was shutting down, so all of my previous writing was lost. maybe that is good, maybe bad. but I remember some things, 1. my brain is not like b4 the subway hitting me, so my memoray is piss poor, but I do remember that I was saying --" life is life, and some people think good, some bad. 2. there is ALWAYS people who want to change our thinking, whatever it may be. 3. as my counselor gave me this weeks homework - pages about "confrontation" and to write (for me 2) story(ies) about what was done to me (for me 2 guys in a place we think is safe- a hospital, and my daddy, and what he did to me, while we are taught that we should love and respect our parents) I can only think of those 2 stories and a lot of four (4) letter words to describe how I feel. But then as I said, life is life, and we try to make the best of any situation. so it is on to the homework. Maybe things will get better-I don't know. but if we are gay, straight, or in between, we are what we are, so lets TRY to make the best of what situation we are in. bye bosishere


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#70940 - 06/08/01 08:01 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Disclaimer: I respect that others have differing viewpoints, and the thoughts expressed below are my own and not associated with any organization or political affiliation.

Human sexuality is a complex matter as it is, without the additional factor of abuse thrown in. However I do understand that it is a natural response of a male survivor to ask this question. Lets face it, Kinsey did research decades okay that showed there was a whole spectrum of human sexuality that mainstream society chose to ignore.

I've been around therapeutic circles for some time now, both offline and online. I have been involved in therapy groups, men's organisations, participated in seminars and publications about abused men. Oh and for those that don’t know, yes I am gay.

So in my own experience, I have come across many male survivors. I think given the nature of sexual abuse, which is mainly perpetrated by men, but not always of course, it is a common experience for the male survivor to have confusion over his sexual orientation. For the record, I consider myself to have been abused by heterosexual men with a predilection for abusing children, not by men who were gay. (How’s that for controversy ;-) )

Given that I am gay and have mixed in the gay and lesbian community, I have met many a gay man who has been sexually abused. However, I have also met plenty of gay men who haven’t been abused and are perfectly well adjusted and happy with their sexuality. In my forays into other areas of society, I have met many straight male survivors, and while they may have had some confusion about their own sexuality, predominantly identify as heterosexual.

So what am I am saying, given that long winded expose of my own experience in relating with other male survivors, is that I have not found a correlation between sexual abuse and being gay.

When I first started dealing with my own abuse issues, I did ponder on the question “did the abuse make me gay?” Strangely enough I avoided sexual contact with men as an adult, right up to the age of 27. This is despite having lived with my gay uncle for eight years, and having stayed in the closet and portrayed myself as asexual. I did not have intimate relations with women and never have. I was scared of men, and I couldn’t bear to be touched by men, and yet I knew I was gay. I used to think it was a cruel irony that I was abused by men and yet attracted to them physically and emotionally. It wasn’t until I began healing from the abuse, that I finally came to terms with my sexuality. I realised being gay paled into insignificance when compared to the impact of my abuse on my life.

There is the common argument that some lesbian survivors become gay because they were abused by men, and therefore seek the safe company of women. I know my best friend, has this belief, and she is a lesbian. I tend to disagree with this argument given my own experience. If being gay was a learned behaviour, or a choice, why would I continue to put myself under so much agony, in terms on having intimate relationships with men as an adult. Using the argument of my friend, wouldn’t I obviously become heterosexual and seek the safe company of women??? I think not, because I have no sexual or emotional attraction in terms of intimacy towards women. Having therapy, and having moved down the healing path some way, and with some way to go, has not made me want to change my sexual orientation. I know this argument has holes in it, but it is what I choose to believe. For example, one could choose to believe that I was socialised or conditioned into being attracted to men, given the abuse. Some non gay men may indeed act out sexually with other men because they are confused. But I think if you are predominantly attracted to men over a long period of time, then you are gay.

For me the question is not why am I gay, but why was I sexually abused. It is the sexual abuse in my childhood that has caused so much dysfunction in my adult life, not the fact that I am gay. Loving another man has brought much joy into my life, and while the act of intimacy is still problematic I wouldn’t change my sexual orientation, even if I had a choice. I didn’t choose to be gay, I am gay… ultimately you come to a point in your life, where the whys and therefores of your own sexual identity become irrelevant. I understand that this is not as easy as it sounds, given my own struggle, and I feel for those who are still coming to terms with theirs.

Healing my sexuality came not with acceptance of being gay, but with the acceptance of having been abused, and the impact that the trauma had on my day-to-day functioning. As an adult male, I am attracted to men, not just on a sexual level, but also on an emotional and spiritual one. I may be an unhappy abused man, but as a gay man I certainly am comfortable with being that way.

My advice to anyone questioning his or her sexuality is to be kind to yourself. Understand that confusion is a common experience for survivors of both genders. Give yourself time and space to explore your feelings. Whether you are gay or not, in the long run you’ll know deep down inside your heart. Loving another human being is one of the most precious gifts we have to share in this life, whether its with someone of the same or a different sex. When you reach that point in your life, you’ll find that it is incredibly liberating….

Below is one of the best articles I've read on the net in regard to gay men who have been abused.

Male-to-Male Child Sexual Abuse In the Context of Homophobia
http://www.kalimunro.com/article_malesurvivors.html


Take care, regards

blaidd
(pronounced blaith, meaning wolf)

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#70941 - 06/08/01 12:46 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Blaidd, I very much like what you say, becase it makes me think, and I consider that's a good omen, if you will. I do have some questions however. Maybe you could e-mail me directly or we could use this means to post back and forth. I think, and hope you could e-mail me directly, becuase some of my abuse happened when I couldn't do anything about it - a hospital- and I don't want to repeat myself to others who, on this page have read about some of my past. Blaidd, thank you. bosishere@yahoo.com


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#70942 - 06/08/01 03:08 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
How To Make Straights Happy Homosexuals
http://slate.msn.com/HeyWait/01-05-30/HeyWait.asp

:rolleyes:

chuckle

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#70943 - 06/08/01 05:33 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I do not think it is clear he is gay, I had the same problems, I still confused. While stubbling over labels the problem is what does this man want.

A Marriage w/ mag. and playing w himself,

A Marriage w/ male encounters,

or a marriage w/ neither.

I gave up mag. and male encounters.

That was my choice. I still struggle from time to time, but this is my choice.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70944 - 06/08/01 06:46 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
dear blaidd, thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate the clarity of your insights, the fullness of your acceptance of yourself and others, and the good advice you provide. thanks. chuck.


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#70945 - 06/08/01 07:49 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
bosishere,

Just letting you know I've sent an email to you if you want to reply.

regards

blaidd

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#70946 - 06/08/01 08:04 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Michael,

I understand and appreciate what you are saying, my last relationship was with a man who was married and was just coming out. I understand the difficulties involved, but I don't claim to be an expert.

I was prompted to make my post as a result of having read the entire discussion, and having seen references to reparative therapy. I felt the urge to write as I feel it is unhelpful and inappropriate to have references made to Exodus in a folder that is for gay survivors. It is counterproductive and homophobic, and has no place here.

I wanted to express my feelings and thoughts about being gay and a survivor, in an attempt to point out that being gay means more than just sex. That loving another man, despite our abusive histories can be rewarding and a positive experience. And to try and debunk the notion that as a gay man I therefore need to feel ashamed simply because I find myself loving men.

The link I added in the second post is a satirical look at reparative therapy. It says a lot to me and that's why I wanted to share it, as it also gave me a laugh, with a serious bent to it. It turns reparative therapy on it's head to make an important point about acceptance and tolerance.

regards

blaidd

[ 06-08-2001: Message edited by: blaidd ]

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#70947 - 06/08/01 08:07 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
pondboy,

Thanks for the feedback.

(((( safe hugs ))))

regards

blaidd

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#70948 - 06/09/01 01:31 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
farscape513 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 13
Loc: Tampabay
blaidd, you have expressed it in the clearest and most straightforward manner that I have heard to date. Thank you.


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#70949 - 06/10/01 11:14 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


George,

I just wanted to say that I appreciate your intent. I agree that sexuality is a highly complex issue. I just know that I have serious sexual identidy/role confusion because of my abuse, and that is perhaps different than sexual orrientation (which is what I think you were trying to say). I too am just trying to figure out what all of that means. So thank you for what you were trying to say.

Meanwhile, I wish there were some magical formula that I could plug my experience and feelings into and out would come the answers to all my sexual questions. But I haven't found one yet.

If anyone has some practical advise for navigating these waters of uncertainty, then I would most appreciate your input.

Thanks,

Rob


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#70950 - 06/11/01 09:20 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
ithomas Offline
Member

Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 9
Loc: Orem, Utah, USA
Rob W.

Thanks for your post. These issues are real and very confounding. E-mail me if you want to talk. ithomas323@aol.com

_________________________
ithomas

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#70951 - 06/17/01 04:11 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi all. I'm new here and just wanted to add my two cents. As unpopular as this may be, I tend to agree with George. I have always been uncomfortable about the hypocrisy of the gay community that accepts the late in life homosexual coming out of someone yet refuses to acknowledge that the same thing can happen in the opposite manner, meaning coming out straight later in life. The answer that I've always gotten is that it is much easier to be straight. Now on the surface, that is definitely true. But add sexual abuse to the picture and all of the self-identity issues it presents, well sexuality either way is not that easy. To the original post, I say wait, take your time, don't label yourself too quick. As long as you are not hurting anyone, and I assuming by your post that you don't feel that you are, be patient and don't feel that you ever have to label yourself in any fashion. I think extremists in either camp, straight and gay, refuse to allow anyone to be anything other than what they want because it scares them to death. Don't let their fear stop your openness and search for answers. I feel as though I owe any readers the information that I don't know where I stand as far as gay or straight or bi is concerned but I think it is sufficient to say I have thoughts and feelings on both sides and I am trying to figure which are healthy and which are not.

Even though this posting is a somewhat controversial issue, I do want to state that I'm sorry any of us are even dealing with this due to our abuse. It is easy to get caught up in this, for me, and lose sight of why this debate must occur, both internally and externally. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm assuming a lot of energy has been expanded in answering these questions and that it is truly unfair that someone came in and placed this doubt in mind. I hope all of us can find more peace of mind as we go on.

Ed


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#70952 - 06/18/01 02:04 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


I thought that I would also reply to this message. I first would like to say wait a while and consider what George had to say. I personally relate to the statements that either looking at Gay Pornography or acting on it can be related to taking control of or being in charge of sexual abuse that occured in the past. I also have had doubts about my sexual orientation because of strange dreams, (nightmares) where I was in control of my past sexual abuse. Each time I would wake up thinking does that make me gay?? This led to a lot of misery in my life. I hope that this helps a bit.


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#70953 - 06/18/01 02:13 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


In addition, you must have loved your wife to marry her in the first place.


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#70954 - 06/19/01 02:22 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
goflyakiteV Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/01
Posts: 66
Loc: n.a.
COULD SOME ONE TELL ME WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS REALLY ABOUT? YOU GO ON AND ON AND CONFUSE THE ONE WHO WROTE HERE FOR HELP AND ALOT OF YOU GET ON YOUR SOAP BOX AND START BASHING OTHERS WITH "WORDS OF WISDOM". I DON'T THINK ANY OF US QUALIFY AS "SHRINKS" OR TO BE SO BOLD AS TO TRY TO SWAY OTHERS INTO THINKTNG THAT "WE KNOW IT ALL"!!

PLEASE, I KNOW I'M NEW HERE, BUT I CAN TELL YOU FROM READING THINGS ABOUT THIS POOR GUY WHO WROTE IN, THAT "HE" NEEDS HELP AND DOESN'T NEED TO HERE THE REST OF US GLOAT AND BE OUTCLASSING OTHERS.

I'M 53 AND HAVE HEARD ALOT OF CRAP FROM ALOT OF DIFFERENT SOURCES, THIS ORGINIZATION IS ONE OF THE BEST OUT HERE IN NEVER- NEVER LAND! PLEASE, LETS TRY TO REMEMBER WHY WERE HER AND NOT ARGUE. PLEASE.....PEACE BE WITH ALL OF US, STRAIGHT, GAY OR OTHERWISE. WE ARE ALL WE'VE GOT....WE ARE ALL, SURVIVORS!


LET US SLEEP WELL TONIGHT, SCOT


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#70955 - 06/28/01 11:53 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


I've just stumbled onto this site. Charguyus, I understand your quandry. I am in EXACTLY the same situation. I too am married (13 years now) with a daughter, and question my "identity/orientation" (how's that for pollitically correct). I'd really like to chat with you sometime; if you want, drop me an email.

N_S
nobody_special9999@hotmail.com


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#70956 - 06/29/01 11:46 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Words like 'gay' can not be defined in any scientific way. If you look at sexual identity across the wide spectrum of human society, the range is so great that no single set of such categories makes sense.

Most "normal" human beings are "attracted" to members of their same sex at some time in their lives, especially when under special circumstances. Humans are very different from almost all other creatures. There are only three kinds of creatures that I know of that engage in SEX. Almost all creatures mate, and that at only specific times. Humans have sex as well as Bonobos, the ape closest to us, and dolphins. Humans, bonobos, and dolphins all engage in some sort of promiscuity from time to time as a social act and as recreation.

I am not a therapist so I can not advise you personally or prescribe any kind of therapy. I don't know anywhere near enough about you to make any kind of such a judgement, but if you do have a happy, satisfying relationship with your wife and family, then you have to decide just how much that means to you. How much do you love her and how much does she love you. Together, you have to decide where you want your marriage to go. Kids need a father, and there is no such thing as a no-fault divorce. Love for your kids can carry you through almost anything.

Having a son to take care of taught me more than anything else I have ever known. Nothing else matters besides that. I adopted him, and was single parent in Istanbul for eight years before he went away to college. It made it possible for me to face demons which nothing else would have gave me the strength for. That is my story.

Even being gay does not necessarily mean you can't be happily married to your wife. It is a matter of how much you love each other as friends and are willing to take care of each other and how much you need each other.

I am convinced that childhood (or even adult) sexual abuse screws us up so much that it makes it impossible to say what I would have been if I hadn't been abused. I know that sex on its own is no substitute for close relationships with people you care for, and so I do not think, on its own that that is necessarily the issue. It is something you need to explore in yourself in a place where you feel secure, with the support of the people you care about.

IMHO.


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#70957 - 07/19/01 10:46 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you, Charyguy, for posting your message. I am divorced, have two kids, have used pornography, acted out sexually with men, etc...and also still confused. Reading your questions and the responses has been very helpful for me.

I have no answers. The only thing I know that is critical for my healing and recovery is to remain open to all the possiblities and keep looking for who i am. My healing and recovery has mainly been a rediscovery of myself...peeling off one layer of abuse-caused pain and trauma at a time to find that little boy hiding away, desparately looking for love and acceptance.

I read many good and helpful thoughts and ideas in the responses to your post. While I bascailly ignore anyone telling me that I am gay or straight (how could he/she possibly know without knowing me, my story, my struggle, etc.?), I am still able to take the good thoughts in and just leave the rest behind. I hope you were, too.

Good luck to both of us...and the others, too...in our continuing search! If you feel like emailing, feel free to do so.

Thanks again.

LanceC


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#70958 - 07/20/01 10:30 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hey Pondboy and Everyone,
I have the very same problem and it is driving me nuts. I'm married with one kid and was raped hundreds of times between 11 and 16. It all can back in flashbacks last fall. I've been to hospitals, shrinks, therapists, SA meetings, whatever and I'm still screwed up but feel a lot better than last fall. The desire to ack out the rapes and gain contol seems to be the answer. I did start out with another man. My attention is drawn to the part of my body that was raped "my ass" so I need sex with that to try to gain control. I'm not a little boy any more so I picked the hardest form of anal sex that I could find on the net...FISTING !!! I know that this sounds nuts but I was completly nuts and confussed. I found a man that had experience and let him do it to me. He was slow and let me control his movements...I loved it !! Now you say great, you are gay but I taught my wife to do it to me and love it even more? Now is it men or my butt??????? Now all the shrinks that I have seen say that it is my butt and that it is OK to have my wife fist me as much as I need it. We have done it 155 times so far, up to 9 times a week at first but down to once a week now. I do have contol over it, which makes me feel a lot better. All the shrinks are amazed that I came up with this myself, I did it without knowing what I was doing! Is it men that you need to have sex with or that part of your body that was raped....shrinks say that it is the part of your body in most cases. I want to have sex with men but hate them at the same time...beat 3 men up before I let one fist me. I'm I gay??????? or just very confussed??????

Eddie getteddie@yahoo.com


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#70959 - 07/20/01 05:35 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
dbr1955 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/01
Posts: 69
Loc: Michigan
You are being honest with your feelings, I have and still go thru periods of the same cofusion. My wife divorced me with out even trying to understand about my sexual abuse, it was a mess. I acted out after wards .

Imiss the kids and please consider what your future would be without a family life, God is good. If you feel guilty, that means you have a consicence

I wish you well.

dbr

_________________________
Doug

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#70960 - 07/25/01 09:51 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
pondboy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
hey guys. how about starting a new topic. we'd be able to follow it easier than scrolling all through this one. there are several of us who have been married before so maybe that could be a stream of discussion.


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#70961 - 07/25/01 11:00 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I feel for you, and understand.
I love my wife I am married to now.
I do not want to hurt her.
I am not looking for sex.
Just Love.
I was left as a kid to pick up the pieces, and did not know how.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70962 - 07/29/01 07:45 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
Hey buddy, its been a while since we talked. I havent had access to a computer for a while. Sorry that you are still experiencing problems with dealing with the gay thing. No body can tell you wether you are gay or not. That must come from you. I know that you are in a sticky situation, being that you are married and have children. Being gay , doesnt mean your a less of a father. Finding and figuring yourself out, takes time. Keep in touch. im here if you need to talk. my screen name is still : dstep517 .

take care,
derek

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#70963 - 08/01/01 11:24 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay?
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
your posting fits me to a T....be proud of yourself....you have had the courage to at least try sex....i've been too afraid my whole life to have sex with anybody....guy or girl....i'm just so afraid i'd freak out and hurt somebody.......i'm 42 and just now trying to face the abuse issues...unfortunately, i think it is too late for me....too much damage, too much pain.......take care of yourself......michael


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#340408 - 09/18/10 12:37 PM Re: how do i know if i'm gay? [Re: michaelb]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

All that i'm going to say about this subject is, atleast for me.

I go where my emotional & sexual feelings truly are. What i always was, but just under the concious level, Gay.

Wishing my brothers here compassion, understanding & love, in trying to figure out their sexuality.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As HE is ME.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#340557 - 09/21/10 09:05 AM Re: how do i know if i'm gay? [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
If people were free to be who they are gay, strait, bisexual or all the degrees in between the world would be an easier place to live. We all need to be who we really are and find acceptance of ourselves and others. Too many people agonize and beat them selves up because they have difficulty accepting their sexual orientation. Too many innocent people get hurt: wives, husbands and especially children because people denying their true nature, their sexuality enter into relationships they shouldn't have in the first place. How sad and unnessary for everyone when this happens. Go online and look up Joe Kort, he's an experienced sex therapist who's written about this. He's rational, logical, compassionate and very well informed on the subject. I belive he may also write for this website. My heart goes out to all you guys struggling with this issue, I hope in time you find the answers and peace you so deserve.

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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