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#70847 - 03/12/01 04:55 AM confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Or am I Bi

Life is so confusing

I was absued from an early age till I was 14
Then a father figure took over after relative were done.

The truth is I miss my Dad who died when I was 12. All I know is a am very sexual.
I never liked lables anyway.

I can relate.

Hope everyone has a great day.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70848 - 03/13/01 03:53 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Some of my friens would llike me to be bi,
I am still confused, I wish that my relatives Male ones would have left their hands to theirselves. I just want to be loved it is not the sex that I want, but that is what i received. I am hurting right now. There is pain. It won't go away anytime soon.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70849 - 03/14/01 03:31 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I fell better todoy.

I still want to be loved by a man

And i do not think it has to be so physical

I just want to be held

Is that so bad???

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70850 - 03/18/01 02:30 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
SearchIn Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 6
Loc: Wichita, Kansas
Michael,

The answer to your question: Is that so bad???

In no way is that bad .... in fact those feelings are very "normal" for what you went through.

We all need to be "loved" and accepted ... and we all are "searchin" for it.

For some of us ... early on we were shown affection from others with sex .... and that's all we got. We liked the attention ... and confused it with people "loving" us.

It wasn't really "love" at all ... but it was only them gratifying themselves ... it wasn't about us ... it was about them.

Its all we know ... and we want more ... and want to be "love" ... and for some of us its wanting it from those who desired us ... "men/boys" whichever.

I see you as quite "normal" given your circumstances...

(Please read my post to Raven ... maybe it will help .... dunno.)

Your not alone either Michael ...

Hoping only the best comes your way.

-SearchIn-

(Let me know if you need to talk!)



[This message has been edited by SearchIn (edited 03-18-2001).]


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#70851 - 03/19/01 07:59 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thank you I will read your post

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70852 - 03/19/01 10:14 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Searchein-I need to talk!

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70853 - 03/19/01 09:25 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am feeling better. I was too hard on myself. The abuse has done so much damage.
It is hard to tell what I want and what I don't.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70854 - 03/20/01 11:59 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
I know it's my residual wounds,
and here if, I'm not learning by " OSMOSIS "
if, I haven't learned the cues,
then its necessary to discuss exactly: what, how, and when.

Affection = touching
touching = love
love = sex
touching and tenderness
are or are not always
prelude to intercourse

explicitly deepens
certainly partners
or the law, will
discussions needed
de-sexualiztion of affections

Addication or compulsive habit
a constant, often unconscious inclination to perform some act, acquired through its frequent repetition.

preoccupation with a fix idea or unwanted feeling or emotion.

Being irrational when the emotions is in control over my intellect.

Denial- fact or fantasy, alibis, excuse and reasons. "it is not so"

illusion: An erroneous perception of reality, erroneous concept or belief, loosely, a delusion: state or condition of being deceived by such perceptions or beliefs.
exsample:
"My Dad will protect me". is an illusion
at the same time, being in denial of the fact, "My Dad will not protect me".

When I was figering out "why I was mostly mad at my Dad" for some reason and I didn't know what it was about, my feelings of hurt were coming back but the understanding wasn't cought up with the feelings. Little by little my memories of Him, just watching.
Why wasn't I as mad at Claus whom had violiently sodomized me in the first place.

When a child's trust is betrayed, I felt severly depressed and very angrly and insecure.

Well I should reflect later
fmighell Anc Ak


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#70855 - 03/23/01 10:30 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
SearchIn Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 6
Loc: Wichita, Kansas
Quote:
Originally posted by michael Joseph:
Searchein-I need to talk!


Michael:

Sorry for not responding sooner ... I was away. Please feel free to write me anytime ... and I'll write when I can.

SearchIn@hushmail.com

See yea,
SearchIn


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#70856 - 03/29/01 06:03 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thanks fmighell, it was helpful.

Pray for me.

I wish I could meet some of you.

I will be glad when I go to the men's survivor weekend in Bangor Penn. I will be driving. July 18th I leave Michigan. Maybe some of you will be there. Maybe someone lives on the way there or back.


Thanks.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70857 - 04/04/01 09:29 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thank you this has been very helpful to me.

I wish my dad would have hugged me talked to me something.

I was only 10 years old. I did not want to have sex w/ my cousin. I did not ask to be locked in his bedroom. I was just a kid.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#70858 - 04/27/01 03:00 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I still struggle, but I am married, and do not want to ruin that relationship.

I lost one wife, while I was single I had a lot of fun, now I need to settle down. I am just confused over feelings toward men. I want intimacy not sex.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70859 - 04/29/01 11:42 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
The things I have shared here are very hard for me. This struggle has been very painful.
The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife.
I wish I wasn't abused, but I cannot erase that. I do want close friendships with men. I do have some now. It is easy for me to get confused on what I want. I want to make healthy choices for me. Thanks for listening. All I know for sure is that I am sexual. The only way to not hurt my wife is to be faithful. The hurting little child is the one that runs to men. That is just how it works inside me. I want a daddy to love me. I was devistated when my father died.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70860 - 05/17/01 10:30 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
mY DESISION TO BE FAITHFUL IS NOW IN EFFECT.

I CANNOT LIVE BEING MARRIED AND ACT OUT WITH MEN, I JUST CANNOT DO IT.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70861 - 05/27/01 09:26 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am glad about my decision and so far I am sticking to it.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70862 - 06/03/01 09:58 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Still sticking to it (my decision), so far still glad.

I cannot put myself through it, it hurts me to be with men. I have to rebuild trust all over again. I do not trust myself too.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70863 - 06/06/01 08:28 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
goflyakiteV Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/01
Posts: 66
Loc: n.a.
DEAR MJ

I'VE DONE ALOT OF READING HERE, ALL THE POSTS FROM 100 DAYS AND HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION: WE ARE ALL WE HAVE. THATS IT! YOUR DECISION IS RIGHT FOR YOU. AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR IT. MY DELEMA IS THE SAME AS YOURS BUT MY WIFE WILL NEVER NOW WHAT I AM GOING THRU! SHE HAS HAD CANCER 2 TIMES AND I CAN'T PUT HER THRU MY SHIT! THATS ALL IT IS FOR ME IS SHIT!

I FIND MYSELF LOOKING AT GUYS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO......YOU KNOW, BUT I CAN'T. CRYING BAD NOW, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU HAVE A LOT OF GUTS, AND MORE OVER, YOU CAN DO IT!

YOU SOUND LIKE A LIKEABLE GUY. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, PEACE TO YOU EACH NIGHT!


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#70864 - 06/09/01 07:20 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
My wife does not know all of it, she knows what she needs to know. My counselor knows more, and some friends.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#70865 - 06/10/01 08:48 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
funny how messed up things can be.

all I wanted was love,

I got more than I asked for.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#354738 - 02/24/11 07:44 PM Re: confused and sad and mad [Re: SearchIn]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Originally Posted By: SearchIn
Michael,

The answer to your question: Is that so bad???

In no way is that bad .... in fact those feelings are very "normal" for what you went through.

We all need to be "loved" and accepted ... and we all are "searchin" for it.

Nice to know I am ok. Thanks

MJ
For some of us ... early on we were shown affection from others with sex .... and that's all we got. We liked the attention ... and confused it with people "loving" us.

It wasn't really "love" at all ... but it was only them gratifying themselves ... it wasn't about us ... it was about them.

Its all we know ... and we want more ... and want to be "love" ... and for some of us its wanting it from those who desired us ... "men/boys" whichever.

I see you as quite "normal" given your circumstances...

(Please read my post to Raven ... maybe it will help .... dunno.)

Your not alone either Michael ...

Hoping only the best comes your way.

-SearchIn-

(Let me know if you need to talk!)



[This message has been edited by SearchIn (edited 03-18-2001).]


_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#354801 - 02/25/11 01:10 AM Re: confused and sad and mad [Re: michael Joseph]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Michael Just Wanted to Say that I ADMIRE your truth , your desire to be faithful to your wife, and your beautiful playful spirit. smile

Your bro,
Ra


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#354802 - 02/25/11 01:10 AM Re: confused and sad and mad [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PS BIG HUGS!


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#354885 - 02/25/11 01:46 PM Re: confused and sad and mad [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Michael, I just read the dates on those messages and realized I am responding to the you 10 years ago!!! SO in light of that, I apologize for the confusion... I do believe in being faithful to a partner, and also that sometimes there is a time to move on.

Blessings to the evolving 2011 Michael!!! wherever he is... hope to meet you one day!!!


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#356867 - 03/17/11 09:55 AM Re: confused and sad and mad [Re: risingagain]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
well it is ok

the wife was not very nice to me

and my current partner is

So I feel I got the better of the deal

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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