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#70857 - 04/04/01 09:29 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thank you this has been very helpful to me.

I wish my dad would have hugged me talked to me something.

I was only 10 years old. I did not want to have sex w/ my cousin. I did not ask to be locked in his bedroom. I was just a kid.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70858 - 04/27/01 03:00 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I still struggle, but I am married, and do not want to ruin that relationship.

I lost one wife, while I was single I had a lot of fun, now I need to settle down. I am just confused over feelings toward men. I want intimacy not sex.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70859 - 04/29/01 11:42 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
The things I have shared here are very hard for me. This struggle has been very painful.
The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife.
I wish I wasn't abused, but I cannot erase that. I do want close friendships with men. I do have some now. It is easy for me to get confused on what I want. I want to make healthy choices for me. Thanks for listening. All I know for sure is that I am sexual. The only way to not hurt my wife is to be faithful. The hurting little child is the one that runs to men. That is just how it works inside me. I want a daddy to love me. I was devistated when my father died.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70860 - 05/17/01 10:30 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
mY DESISION TO BE FAITHFUL IS NOW IN EFFECT.

I CANNOT LIVE BEING MARRIED AND ACT OUT WITH MEN, I JUST CANNOT DO IT.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70861 - 05/27/01 09:26 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am glad about my decision and so far I am sticking to it.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70862 - 06/03/01 09:58 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Still sticking to it (my decision), so far still glad.

I cannot put myself through it, it hurts me to be with men. I have to rebuild trust all over again. I do not trust myself too.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70863 - 06/06/01 08:28 AM Re: confused and sad and mad
goflyakiteV Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/01
Posts: 66
Loc: n.a.
DEAR MJ

I'VE DONE ALOT OF READING HERE, ALL THE POSTS FROM 100 DAYS AND HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION: WE ARE ALL WE HAVE. THATS IT! YOUR DECISION IS RIGHT FOR YOU. AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR IT. MY DELEMA IS THE SAME AS YOURS BUT MY WIFE WILL NEVER NOW WHAT I AM GOING THRU! SHE HAS HAD CANCER 2 TIMES AND I CAN'T PUT HER THRU MY SHIT! THATS ALL IT IS FOR ME IS SHIT!

I FIND MYSELF LOOKING AT GUYS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO......YOU KNOW, BUT I CAN'T. CRYING BAD NOW, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU HAVE A LOT OF GUTS, AND MORE OVER, YOU CAN DO IT!

YOU SOUND LIKE A LIKEABLE GUY. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, PEACE TO YOU EACH NIGHT!


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#70864 - 06/09/01 07:20 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
My wife does not know all of it, she knows what she needs to know. My counselor knows more, and some friends.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70865 - 06/10/01 08:48 PM Re: confused and sad and mad
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
funny how messed up things can be.

all I wanted was love,

I got more than I asked for.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#354738 - 02/24/11 07:44 PM Re: confused and sad and mad [Re: SearchIn]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Originally Posted By: SearchIn
Michael,

The answer to your question: Is that so bad???

In no way is that bad .... in fact those feelings are very "normal" for what you went through.

We all need to be "loved" and accepted ... and we all are "searchin" for it.

Nice to know I am ok. Thanks

MJ
For some of us ... early on we were shown affection from others with sex .... and that's all we got. We liked the attention ... and confused it with people "loving" us.

It wasn't really "love" at all ... but it was only them gratifying themselves ... it wasn't about us ... it was about them.

Its all we know ... and we want more ... and want to be "love" ... and for some of us its wanting it from those who desired us ... "men/boys" whichever.

I see you as quite "normal" given your circumstances...

(Please read my post to Raven ... maybe it will help .... dunno.)

Your not alone either Michael ...

Hoping only the best comes your way.

-SearchIn-

(Let me know if you need to talk!)



[This message has been edited by SearchIn (edited 03-18-2001).]


_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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