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#70837 - 02/19/01 05:20 PM Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
Mike_Albl Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 1
Loc: Tallahassee,Fl. US
I am despratley searching for the truth. I am a gay 38 year old white male. My name is Mike. If you know the truth PLEASE answer this question: Did my step father forcing me to have sex with him for 8 years cause me to be gay?


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#70838 - 02/19/01 08:13 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
In a word - "NO". While abuse can cause mixed feelings and feelings of confusion it cannot make a person homosexual. Many people who have been molested/raped go through what you are describing. I myself am bisexual but I knew that before I was gang raped and before I was molested. It was just something I have always known. I am lucky enough to have known that before anything sick happened to me. A lot of men who are homosexual or bisexual are not as lucky because they feel they have to fight their true self so the world does not find out. Homosexuality is not a choice. It is a very rough life. No one would choose the abuse that a homosexual/bisexual has to go through from day to day. You do have to be born that way. It is not a choice.
If you are having problems with your sexual identity - you should seek some help from someone "trained" in sexual identity crisis.
And if you are homosexual or bisexual or heterosexual - so what! Your sexuality is not who you are it's part of what you are. It does not define you as a human being!
Hang in there!
You'll be fine and don't sweat it. You are going through something very normal. But I do suggest getting help. You will feel better with the right type of doctor.
Good Luck
Gadzook
(dave)

Quote:
Originally posted by Mike_Albl:
I am despratley searching for the truth. I am a gay 38 year old white male. My name is Mike. If you know the truth PLEASE answer this question: Did my step father forcing me to have sex with him for 8 years cause me to be gay?


_________________________
~Gadzook

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#70839 - 04/19/01 10:19 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
What he did was wrong, does it matter if you are gay? Go with your heart. If you are gay you are gay. If your heart says you are not then you are not. The whole thing is a mess I know, I honestly do not think I am even Bi. I still struggle with it. Hope you are ok.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70840 - 04/20/01 07:50 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Wow, Gadzook/ Dave,
What you have said is so well articulated!

I like the idea that our sexuality can be a fluid thing, meaning both that it is capable of some variation over time and that --at whatever point in time--it may not readily lend itself to rigid categorization like 'gay', 'bi' or 'straight'. It took me quite a while to appreciate that there's a lot more to me than my sexuality. Although sex and my sexuality are both important to me, I don't necessarily feel I am defined by my sexual preferences.
I am aiming for a healthy me, and would just as soon dispense with labels.
Peace :-)
Marshall


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#70841 - 04/21/01 10:39 AM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
dbr1955 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/01
Posts: 69
Loc: Michigan
Hi,
I would like to respond to your qoute.
As a survivor of sexual abuse and a self dignity taken away, we must first realize that When God created us, he created something beautiful and wonderful, yet if we have temptations, we are to prefer the good and not evil. I don't want to sound judgemental, but with the natural law (choices vs consqueneces) God tell us how to live a good live, but he will not force us to do so unless we want to. As children we lear what we live, the good and the bad,( what ever that may be)
I hope this is helpful to you.

doug
I will pray for you, i ask for prayers too.


Quote:
Originally posted by Mike_Albl:
I am despratley searching for the truth. I am a gay 38 year old white male. My name is Mike. If you know the truth PLEASE answer this question: Did my step father forcing me to have sex with him for 8 years cause me to be gay?


_________________________
Doug

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#70842 - 04/22/01 06:48 AM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
Anonymous
Unregistered


I understand and feel the difficulties associated with being gay and a survivor. I feel that in essence as survivors we have each been in a place, albeit historic or recent, where choice has been taken away. Instilling guilt, I feel, is part of the toxic residue of abuse. Letting that stuff out requires courage to face ourselves from many different angles and re-learn who we are.

Equally, identifying as gay demands similar forms of courage, due to the complex communities that we live in. Where messages of shame are readily available through the media, etc. Is identifying as gay about 'doing' or 'being'? I beleive it is about the latter.

I have learnt over the years that the questions I had been asking myself as a gay suvivors was, 'Do I know what love is for ME(the gay black amle survivor)?'

Now this is not about being self centred / egotistical, but more about self-care and self-knowledge.


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#70843 - 04/22/01 10:45 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
The truth for me is that I did not choose my sexuality. Mine was arranged, made for me. Like sometimes marriages are arranged for some people and compared to other people who, chosen not to have any sex at all.(hard to believe, for me)

I did not get to choose, when I was ready too. As a person, I am born and some day would have had sex, but that day was choosen for me, and with whom, I would have had sex with also.

When I became of age, to reproduce, I had sex for gain rather than for affection, I wanted money and the things I can get with it. Then it was a compulsive habit, like a constant often unconscious inclination to preform some act. Easy acquired through its frequent repetition.

I am sexually concern, STD's which I have none because I have none today. My sexuality is distinguished from, a younger lifestyle and my pressent life and with yours, some what a like, like a man, and sexually abused at an early time of life, but different.

My sexuality as manifesting me, in my behavior, in my interest or desire, what arouses me? What arouses you today?

I think, I can have sex with guys and enjoy it, you know same sex, sex. But with other guys it's grounds to kill. And with others, they would enjoy it too.

fmighell Anc Ak


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#70844 - 04/24/01 08:11 AM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Mike,
If you want to email me, that would be ok, I am sturggling with similar issues.

[Personal contact information removed by moderator team]

Michael Joseph


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#340710 - 09/24/10 01:21 AM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him? [Re: michael Joseph]
Heaven32 Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 2
This is really a nice website and i found some useful and informative material on it. Good post and keep it up.

_________________________
650-251 - 650-393 - 650-575 - 650-621

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#340811 - 09/25/10 08:27 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him? [Re: Heaven32]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Mike
I echo some of the things said here and I leave the rest to their own personal beliefs.

To answer your question, No. You can't be made gay by someone abusing you. You can however, be sexualized to a certain belief that you are gay because you either were told you are because you responded to the abuse or you adopted the sexual behavior as the "norm" as you believed it to be due to your experience with it.

In my case, my abuse was only five minutes long and at a very early age. I adopted the abuse or acts perpetrated on me as the norm because I looked up to my abuser even though he was only thirteen yrs old.

That short time taught me that this was sex and how it was done. But I was conflicted because all the other boys liked girls while I just tolerated them. I prefered boys. Strangely enough, I have had sex with both and still very much prefer men over women though I am currently in a monogamous relationship with my wife for the past 27 yrs.

Because I am capable of enjoying sex with either, I call myself Bi. But until I accepted that who I am Is who I am and until I accepted myself as a loving, caring human being capable of loving either sex, I was miserable.

Thanks to this Website and the caring guys here, I was able to be freed of my own personal hell as I learned it is all okay.

Mike, I hope you find peace in your quest to settle this question in your mind, heart, and soul. Rely on your intuition and lean on your new brothers here as we help each other in our recovery walk.

Welcome. And be at peace.

Sam


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