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#70813 - 12/18/00 05:07 PM Sigh
Little Raven Offline
Member

Registered: 12/18/00
Posts: 2
There is no place for me to talk about this stuff mean I am 13 and well either have to be 18 or a girl and it really makes me mad. Oh there are places for kids like me to chat but the people their egnore me cuz they have to chat with the girls first they get more upset so they tell me. How do they know how I feel they aren't me. Oh and being gay they said it's cuz I was raped or I got raped because I was gay grrrrrrrr stupid people why doesn't anyone understand me


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#70814 - 12/19/00 11:03 AM Re: Sigh
Little Raven Offline
Member

Registered: 12/18/00
Posts: 2
me sigh see no one


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#70815 - 01/03/01 01:52 PM Re: Sigh
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
No matter what some people may think or how some people believe it is okay to be gay. Being gay is not who you are but a part of what you are. You don't have to be raped or abused in anyway to be gay. In fact a true homosexual is born that way. It's okay to be you. We live in a society that still has trouble excepting peoples differences. You must strive to be yourself no matter what anyone says or does to you. Being raped or abused does mix a person up mentally but in the long run we are what we are. You can choose to live your life as a proud gay person who is confident of who you are and where you are going. Or you can let others choose your lifestyle and your thoughts for you. Be proud you were born that way. Life would be very boring if we all were the same and acted the same and looked the same. It's okay to be you. - hek We all need someone to talk to and to listen to us and try to understand where we are coming from. Hang in there. Be who "you" are.
Believe me - I understand. Seek help if you need it. Life can be very ugly but it can also be very beautiful. Look for what you think is beautiful in this life and don't let anyone dictate to you what is beautiful.
-dave

[This message has been edited by Gadzook (edited 01-03-2001).]

_________________________
~Gadzook

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#70816 - 01/05/01 02:34 PM Re: Sigh
Tris Offline
Member

Registered: 01/04/01
Posts: 2
Loc: Indiana
From the sounds of it, who couldn't feel for you and what you're going through and have gone through?! Yes, you neeed someone who can really listen and hear and be there for you -- a therapist, a friend, a mentor... So, you have not gotten the response you deserve, and that only compounds things, I know. I'm new to this board, but it seems here you can at least know that people understand and care about what you're going through, though I know cyberspace has definite limitations. I don't know what to say that might be of any help, but even though I'm a lot older (35) I know and remember only too well about being young and gay, and hurting and feeling like there's no place to turn. Hang in there and keep trying to find someone you can trust. The strength you build in the process can be used to help others in the future.


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#70817 - 01/25/01 08:23 PM Re: Sigh
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey!

I read your post...I just wanted to say we're all with you (even if not all of us respond). I'm not that much older than you, and I'm new at this too. All I can say is to hang in there. It'll get better. I really mean that. I can't remember your exact post offhand, but I think you said you're 13? If you are, then what I can say is that you should remember never to give up. That's one thing that really helped me throughout junior high and high school (and actually now and throughout life, I'm sure). Also, whatever it is you decide for your life, make sure you treasure your sexuality--that is, preserve it until you are ready. As someone who has been abused, I know how easy it is to fall into sexual addictions that you will later regret. Look into yourself and see who it is that you think you are--not just in terms of your sexuality, but who you want to be say 20, 30, 40 years from now. If you keep focused, you'll be alright )

Later.


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#70818 - 01/30/01 07:28 PM Re: Sigh
Bull Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/01
Posts: 4
Loc: San Francisco, CA
Dude your post reminded me of just how s***** being 13 was and growing up in Orange County, CA for a million reasons. I spent time in the school psychologists office in between being expelled, at every school I ever attended. Telling any of them about my abuse was a profoundly dissapointing experience because 1)they are not equipped to deal with sexually abused boys 2)culturally/unconsciously they find the topic undigestable 3)there really aren't wasn't anywhere to refer me. So I dealt with it on my own in my own way. I'm in a much better place today but even still at age 29 I was thrilled beyond belief to find this site. Just being able to share with others of similar experience is beyond comprehension.

ps I checked out your site, you sound cool! I love that you love animals too.

looking forward to helping one another as well as others on the site.


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#70819 - 01/30/01 10:31 PM Re: Sigh
csgomora Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 3
Loc: san francisco, ca, usa
i know of the pain you speak of, my friend. i was also attracked / raped at a young age so i know what you feel; for being in my shoes, if you should ever need to chat, im listed. You have been placed on a rough road, and with being two spirited(Native American For being drawn to the same sexual assignment)you will be swimming in a culture that will often eroticise your experience, or make it a fantacy. Sorry if i seem down trodden but i have gotten no to little support from the "gay" community.
and as far as receiving services i have been continually directed to women's services, that are so caught up in there "feminist" values that they forget that they also propagate a lie.
i am a man not a woman and in the age that i grew up in men/male's have lesser value that women do. At least according to law that is.
Sorry,
Walk in Beauty


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#70820 - 01/30/01 10:36 PM Re: Sigh
csgomora Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 3
Loc: san francisco, ca, usa
Quote:
Originally posted by csgomora:
i know of the pain you speak of, my friend. i was also attracked / raped at a young age so i know what you feel; for being in my shoes, if you should ever need to chat, im listed. You have been placed on a rough road, and with being two spirited(Native American For being drawn to the same sexual assignment)you will be swimming in a culture that will often eroticise your experience, or make it a fantacy. Sorry if i seem down trodden but i have gotten no to little support from the "gay" community.
and as far as receiving services i have been continually directed to women's services, that are so caught up in there "feminist" values that they forget that they also propagate a lie.
i am a man, not a woman and in the age that i grew up in, men/male's have lesser value than women do. At least according to law that is.
Sorry,
Walk in Beauty



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#70821 - 01/31/01 08:20 AM Re: Sigh
Carl123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/00
Posts: 25
Loc: PA, USA
Dude I feel for you! And, I'm scared for you.

I feel for yopu because I too remember what it was like to be 13 and a survivor of rape. It's hell! But I also know that the only path to salvation is opening your heart to love. And by love I don't mean only sexual love. I mean the love you feel for all other people and the love they feel for you. Because you've been abused and because you feel that you are gay, you have two strikes against you. The easy path is to shut down, to feel too vulknerable to open up and trust people, to hide inside yourself. But that's the wrong path tot take. As hard as it may sound, you should try to focus each day on realizing that you deserve to love and be loved. BECAUSE YOU DO DESERVE TO LOVE AND BE LOVED! There is no shame at all in being who you are, in feeling what you feel, in thinking what you think. You are a wonderful and beuatiful person created in God's image and for all these reasons and more are created in love and deserving of love.

So, you'll need to be strong dude, and keep this truth in your heart and never let anyone convince you of anything different.

The reason I am scared for you is because i know how easy it could be for you to take the other path; the path of closing down, shutting people off, retreating into your pain. Dude, I've been down that road and it's not a pleasant one. I spent a lot of years on drugs and alcohol trying desperartely to hide from myself, but it never worked. Only acceptance of who I am helped. And opening myself up to being vulnerable again; to love and being loved.

I wish you the best and would be happy to dialog with you if you if you need help.


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#70823 - 02/26/01 01:13 AM Re: Sigh
Seraphim Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 1
Loc: Saipan, CNMI,
Dear Little Raven,

I looked at your site,...very cool, you've got a good eye and a good sense of design. But that is not why I'm posting. Its about what is on your site, your poems, your story. I thought I had an emotionally rough childhood, but it was a cakewalk compared to yours. I was especially moved by what happened to you at the hands of your foster father. It was chilling...even moreso for me because I am in the process of certifying as a foster father and from what I am told the majority of the kids who come into the system
here come from being sexually or physically abused. Kids who have suffered in some degree a lot like you.

Perhaps it is too traumatic for you to post or write about, but if you could, if you are still following posts at this site then clue me in on what kids like you need from a foster father. If as you say you don't trust adults anymore...not that I blame you, can you tell me what you wanted, what you needed before trusting was taken from you?

I want to be a good foster father and I don't any boy who comes to me to ever have suffer as you have suffered. And those who have already suffered I want to provide a safe home where they grow up and heal knowing they really loved and cared for. Any insights you would be willing to share... I'm listening.

thanks
seraphim


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#70824 - 02/28/01 11:37 PM Re: Sigh
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
2-28-01:7:35pmPT, Raven

From down under, is it HOT!!! I think it is hot where your at. Did you see my SURVIVOR entry? What did you think of it? Instead of the gay survivor story button, click onto the survivor one, then look for fmighell entry.

Do you know why we are survivors? Some here can tell a good story, I can read about their story when they write, but I still don't understand why? My head hears but my heart still cry's.

It's OK is mine too, but my Dad is split in my mind, because he is my Dad and gone in my mind.

I wrote in still confused about my mom, but she past away into forever sleeping. I used to be scared of her, man when she drank. First time I remembered her going after my Dad with an ax, awaking me by my Dad climbing into bed with me one night. Shaking all over and bleeding from scratches all over his naked, alcohol sweating body. Squatting in the corner of my bed, pulling on my blanket in front of him. Dreading every time my Mom chop away the wood from around the lock door knob. Little by little the light ray of light made a laser beam, and I could see the little red eyes in my Dads eyes. When out side in the dark and shinning a flash light into dog eyes and shine a florescent shinny color. Dads was red, when I looked at him, from light rushing in the wedges she made the light beam bigger with every chop. The door flew open and my Mom with the ax in one hand and with the other one, take my Dad by his ear, head tilted and ear stretch for the sky, right out of my room awww all the way into their room with screaming and yelling in the back ground.

She used an ax twice, and a hammer once to open my locked doors, getting my Dad.

He didn't always get it from my Mom, some times she ended with a cast around her arm our have bandages around her wrist from cutting her self, or ether trying to hang her self and my Dad would sometimes give her black eyes.
Once late at night somewhere at some bar or some house, my Dad was still in side but my Mom was waiting outside in the car for him, we all were waiting, my brothers and sisters in the back seat. When this guy walking down the side walk stop at our car and he was trying to open the car door by my Mom and she couldn't keep it closed and he toke off her pants and underwear while raping her when I was trying to fright him off her , he just backhands me across the car in to a window. Mom said that she reach down and grabbed this guy by his testicles pulling with all her strangeth and this guy left after a loud yell.

I don't have to worry about them that way anymore, now I live in my mothers home land.
Alaska, fmighell

[This message has been edited by fmighell (edited 02-28-2001).]

[This message has been edited by fmighell (edited 02-28-2001).]


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#70825 - 03/02/01 09:49 PM Re: Sigh
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
march 2,2001,7:17pmPT,
Raven how's it going? Were are you? I'll bet you can't get to a computer often.
I hated my younger years of abuse and neglect. I had the most freedom any kid would want in all the world.

I hunted for gulf balls to re-sale at the golf course. Half the day spent looking for the hide-&-seek, white little balls, lost by some golfer. Only when the bad shots made it in to the cannel. The cannel wines around like a gaint snake, and go's right the gulf course. After we had made some money, we'd go to the store and buy some food to eat at the park, picnic table.

fmighell,3-03-01,7:37pmPT


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#70826 - 03/18/01 02:03 AM Re: Sigh
SearchIn Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 6
Loc: Wichita, Kansas
Hi Raven,

I read your post and visited your web-site. I must say that your site is very cool ... you should be quite proud of yourself ... its really great …. honest it is.
Your poems are so special ... please don't stop writing them. I also write poems ... and I have been able to express so many of my feelings that I haven't been able to speak out in the open to anyone. Use them Raven to release things you wanna say. Look deep within and let it out - let it go.
No one .... "NONE" ... knows how you "feel" Bud ... only you do. Many of us "understand" what pain and hurt you endure. Even though we don't feel exactly your "feelings" we do share similar one of our own.
I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused as long as I remember. As a young child I didn't understand any of it ….. it just happened to me …it was all I knew …. and it's what I thought I was. I grew up believing it was "who I was" …. and I have struggled my whole life untangling that past.
For me, I kept holding on to all the "hurt" and "pain" …. trying so hard not to feel my fear of abandonment and feelings of being so alone. I was "searchin" for "love" …. seeking out acceptance and approval from others …. someone to understand me …. someone to know what happened to me … someone to make all that hurt and pain go away ….. someone to "make me whole" …. and mend the broken person that I was.
We are "survivors." That's not an easy task to undertake. Many of us struggle each and ever day dealing with the past …. looking for the answers …and asking "why" me? It is hard work. It takes courage and strength to make it through the darkness. No one knows what we go through. We are true champions.
Don't ever give up. You will find your way. Let me give you a big jump ok ….. I wished I'd learned this one when I was 13. Raven … you hold the keys …. it's you … you're the one …. you are the answer … you can make it happen … only you can do the work …. and you can mend that brokeness. Know that God does love you …. he never wanted you to go through this …. He accepts you as you are ….. and lets you choose who you wanna be. You are "not" what happened to you … you are who you "chose" to be.
Keep your chin up …. hold your head high … keep on "SearchIn" …. you will find your way. If you stumble along the way … learn from your mistakes and move on.
You're special Raven …. you always have been and you always will be … don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Listen to others who have gone the way before … they can help you keep a steady course.
Hugs! You're not alone …. You're one of use … you are a survivor … you are a "champion" too.

Wishing the best for you always …

- SearchIn -


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#70827 - 03/18/01 02:11 AM Re: Sigh
SearchIn Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 6
Loc: Wichita, Kansas
" Mending "

Once I had a broken heart ....
I thought would never mend or heal.
Once I had a lost soul,
And I would not let if feel.
Once I held on so hard,
To all my hurts and pains.
Once it made me wonder,
If I could ever be loved again.

What happens when a broken heart,
Begins to mend and heal?
What happens to a lost soul,
When it begins to feel?
What happens when you quit holding on,
To all that hurt and pain?
What happens to somebody,
When they start to love again?

I'm learning that a broken heart,
Can be embraced and be ok.
I'm learning that a lost soul,
Can find its troubled way.
I'm learning I can let go,
To all those hurts and pains.
But most of all I'm learning,
That I can love myself again.


-SearchIn-


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#70828 - 03/19/01 08:10 AM Re: Sigh
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am working on a book about my life. I have endured sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

This poem has been printed in the book "In Cabin Six", (I wrote it pen name m. joseph)

No Words

There are nowords to
dsecribe my pain
explain how I feel.
Tell you I'm hurting.

There are no feelings
left in my body
they all left
the day you hurtme.

There are no tears
to be shed because
there are no words
inside me.

No words, only numbness
feelings severed from my body
ripped from my soul
By your bare hands.

I plan on displaying some of my poems
at the conference in Oct.

I am really hurting

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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