Greetings,
I am a gay male rape victim/survivor just now starting to deal with my attack which happened almost 13 years ago. I have told a few people I thought were my friends but they have turned their backs on me and haven't spoken to me since. One even told me "it was highly inappropriate to share such unresolved personal issues." Has anyone else expereience such a thing? I dont know how to handle it. I have lost my 3 closest friend because I told them what happened to me. Now I have no one to rely on. I have started therapy but thats not the social support I need. Any thoughts?

Chris

Chris,

I am so sorry for the rape AND for your friends' reactions. "It was highly inappropriate to share such unresolved personal issues"? Um, what are friends for? All I can say is that sometimes what happened to us triggers others who are not ready to talk about what might have happened to them.

Best, Chris

CHris,

You are not alone. I am also a gay man and I was raped by two different family members from ages 12-16. Safe friends are hard to find. My experience is that my gay friends are less able to cope with my revelations than the str8 ones. Maybe because they have something similar in their past that they don't want to face???? So, I socialize with my gay friends for fun and activities, and even heart to heart talks, but if I need to touch/process the issue with my childhood sexual abuse, it's a bit like the blind leading the blind if go to those same friends. That's not to say I think ALL gay people were abused and can't handle talking about the subject. I just find the percentage higher among that group of my friends. I must admit, though. I have very few str8 'friends'.

Koveri

Koveri,
Unfortunatly I had a very close circle of gay friends and now know of them will speak to me. I have always been a loner per say and now I dont have anyone to talk with. I was raped by two men that also gay bashed me in college. I didn't know them and it was planned by them. I am seeing a therapist right now to help deal with the issues. Honestly because of the way my so called friends have treated me I dont know if I could ever trust anyone again, at least not to consider them as a friend.

Thanks,
Chris

Chris,
Just because they are gay doesn't mean they can or will want to understand. They are full of their own unresolved fears and certainly don't want your stuff. A real friend will listen because that's what true friendship is about.
Don't give up. You'll find a kindred spirit or two. I have. Lovers come and go, its the true friends who stay.

froggy12

Hi Chris, and Welcome.

I'm sorry that you've lost friends over deciding to deal with your issues. I'm a gay man, and a rape survivor. I was date raped/emotionally raped/whatever you want to call it / by my ex-b.f. My relationships with a couple of my close friends changed; they just didn't know how to deal with me being so sad for so long, and got tired of it. I didn't lose any friendships over sharing the incident itself, but over how long it took me to process. They weren't sure what to say anymore - sometimes I just needed 'uh huh.'

I did lose a close friend whose wedding I chose not to attend because it was being held near the site of the rape (in a different state). I didn't want to be anywhere near that place, so I didn't go. I haven't gotten a returned phone call in 6 or 8 months (and haven't made any more efforts to reach out).

For me, other people came from unexpected places to offer their support: two other men I know who were raped; an acquaintance who moved up to good friend (and still listens if I need her to).

I found it more difficult to share with gay men about this. Some of them revictimized me by discounting my experience and telling me I was a drag to be around; others thought I really wanted it and was just being a drama queen. One told me if I filed a police report he would think a lot less of me. I filed my report anyway.

I also found support on this forum, and hope that you do as well.

i would nevr tell any of my
frendz cuz if i did they
wouldnt be my frends anymore.
even my own sister. when i told
her that i like guys vs girls she
laffed at me and told me that was
just the "abuse talking" and i would
grow out of it.
bettr off to just not tell anybody
cept for ppl here
then again what the F do i know