at certain times i feel strong and self posessed
but then inevitably, it seems, i reach a snag of sorts -
the task at hand is either done - or i am simply needing a change -
i don't really have a total clue -
but it's like
... i become the invisible eye ....
and i loose a sense of myself -
and yes then i think about wanting ----
even with sex - or like i used to smoke -
or even eat ----
it's weird - it's like i loose myself - and the one
validating thing - is my appetite -
the wanting -
and really - i want more than that -
but i guess it's one thing i have to accept about
Why am i not perfect?
i don't know
all i know - is i try to make jokes about it
i just had a weird - bland time - at 'a place'
and upon leaving i said to the 'check out'
after he asked me if i had a nice time
i said "eh - not really - I looked behind me waved my hand across the place and said
YOU're all fired - !
he giggled and said
I said - Yeah -
They get no bonus!
I suppose this is a bit off topic
but maybe not -
I think somehow - my own sense of self is returning in the sense -
that I am coming to grips with some good things
and not so good things about me -
I want to feel like I am an excellent person
but I think we put that on each other
we see people - their 'beauty'
and it's like we respond to 'iconography'
when really no one is perfect - AT ALL
and though some have lived without the abuse we have
and they can dance lightly upon the surface -
and thus have more energy - in some ways -
and achieve things - for not being encumbered -
I guess also we can know that indeed -
nobody is "barbie" or "ken" or
Ken and GI Joe -
- i have to admit - the image of i become the invisible eye -
i coined from an american 19th centurey poet -
when i read that - i thought - my god that's me!
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders
"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous