i am starting to

be more aware of my anxiousness and my nervousness -

before it was like - suddenly i had all this anxiety

and no logic -

but -

now i am able to see it - within - in the sense -

i can lable it -

that is a leap for me -

i won't sugar coat that

- it's still not easy -

but it's like - if i do something - good or

questionable - - that I am unsure of the respponse -

happy - sad or laughing or not -

it's like the unknown -

i get suddenly hyped - (both because of fatigue too)

but now i can see it - and step back -

and calm down -


the excitements - and anxious - feelings -

i usually end up - wanting to eat something

but now it's making sense -

and by the way - a glass of water helps

it fills - but also -

hydration helps the brain - cause all this stuff

dries you out -

m


keeps everything "moist" lol

Mark,

I'm glad you are sorting things out, but can I make a brief (I promise!) comment on things "making sense".

A lot of what happens in our lives isn't about logic and making sense; it's all pure emotion, especially where powerful matters like abuse are concerned. We can see this even in how the whole mess started - where's the sense in molesting an innocent child?

It's possible to discover why we do things in this powerful emotional world, but the why questions often have answers that don't "make sense" unless we are standing in the circle, as it were, of that emotional world. And that emotional world is so full of conflicting feelings and fears that it's often difficult to really feel confident in who we are, much less discover why certain things are happening and others aren't.

So I wouldn't be too hard on yourself if you feel you aren't getting the answers you want, or the answers you thought or hoped you would get. It's all part of a complicated learning process I think. I have found that in my own case I have to be gentle with myself and accept that some days "I don't get it" is as far as I will go.

On those days I find that what I need to do is accept my limitations and distract myself with other things. I have to realize that if I start getting low, I will just get into a lot of destructive self-examination, which will make me feel worse, which will make me think more, etc., etc., in a terrible downward spiral.

That's the long polite way of putting it. What I really mean, of course, is some days we just need to say "Fuck it", "Who gives a shit if it makes no sense today", and go do something safe that we like.

Hmmmm. Scrolling up here I see I broke my promise of a short post. Oh well, fuck it.

Much love,
Larry

thank you, my little acorn strudel!

hehe

Ttyl!

M