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#70516 - 08/04/06 06:56 PM another type of abuse?
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
I read somewhere that making someone re-tell or describe their abuse, or intimate details of their sex life, can be another form of abuse, especially if the person being told is getting some kind of thrill or tittilation out of hearing it.

I'm gay, but not out. One of my freinds from childhood is gay, but not completely out. His "longterm roommate" is out, however. I'll go out to dinner, or for a beer, with them every so often. My friends partner will sometimes make comments, or drop hints, like he's hoping I'll talk about my personal life, or my experiences. It's annoying.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#70517 - 08/04/06 07:08 PM Re: another type of abuse?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
it is not right to force anyone to tell things they don't want to, esp if they are things that harmed or hurt them.

let him give hints, and share what you want with whom you want.

sometimes being direct is better so you can drop the subject and not have the person keep asking,

ask someone like this, What is it you want to know about?

and then reply honestly

I am not willing to talk about that part of my life at this point.

or what ever, it is your own choice on what you tell people do not let them dictate what it is you tell them

hugs galapogos

not sure if this helps, it was what I was thinking after reading your post

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70518 - 08/05/06 12:28 AM Re: another type of abuse?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Galapagos,

Perhaps one way to deal with this would be just to say, the next time he hints at this, that you aren't comfortable discussing such private matters. If you don't feel comfortable with this maybe you could ask your friend to have a word with his partner.

All this could just be a misunderstanding, but of course the guy could indeed be fishing. Whatever's going on, you have a right to make it known that this kind of talk is crossing an important boundary for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70519 - 08/05/06 02:43 PM Re: another type of abuse?
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
And, maybe the guy is just trying to make dinner table conversation ..... ???
At any event, a simple "I'd rather not talk about that right now" should change the subject easily.
---
It could be that he means well but that he's just "socially inept". In any event, you are under no obligation to "share" anything with this man. Just do what makes you comfortable.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70520 - 08/05/06 04:40 PM Re: another type of abuse?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
George's comment made me smile, thinking of all the people I have met over the years who are TOTAL disasters when it comes to social graces. Sometimes I have wanted to just slide under the table!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70521 - 08/06/06 05:12 PM Re: another type of abuse?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
It sounds to me - and I might be wrong -

he may be coming from a place of trying to help you feel comfortable with being yourself - being gay and talking about who you fancy etc...

and yes - gay men love to talk about boys.

so it's probably a little bit marsha brady -

and a little bit gay - therapy?

I konw what you mean though - when you're ready you're ready -

before then - just ask him politely

please - don't ask this -

I'll offer when I am ready -

it bothers you etc...

m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70522 - 08/07/06 04:23 AM Re: another type of abuse?
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
I've had a similar situation with people who always want to give hugs. As a rape survivor, sometimes hugs are the last thing I want, especially when I haven't been asked. In this case, they're not asking details about my story, but touching me without my permission. So, for myself, I always ask "would you like an appropriate hug?" which does two things. It tips the person off that I don't want to be groped or objectified, and lets them know that I won't do the same thing. Sometimes I've side-stepped hugs I haven't felt like giving or getting.

Back on topic, I've only once been pressed for 'details' about my rape. There's no way I was going to share that information. The person directly asked me to describe the attack, and I simply said that I wasn't willing to talk about it. She understood, I think, but I was a bit taken aback by what I later wondered to be a voyeuristic aspect. The only people with whom I've shared those details are the therapist and the police. It's my right, and yours, to keep your information private..


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