Im not sure if this is offensive to any gay man here. If it is I apologise. I am a bit concerned lately at my gym. I was a wrestler all my life hs and college so I know my way around the gym and the locker rooms.
I shower after my workouts and I stretch and twist in the showers. It is one big room no stalls. Im not a modest person with my body by any means. I get questions from men from how did you get your chest so big, to what diet do you use. I don;t mind flirting from men while I am straight. I take it as a compliment and today I cannot tell if a man is gay or straight until he says so.
There is a bodybuilder at my gym who seems to be everywhere I am. Yesterday, he asked me in the showers "How did you sculp that ass man? It is perfect?" He cupped and smacked my ass firmly. I am usually the bigger guy but this guy has some muscle and height on me. We were alone and for the first time I felt a bit vulnerable naked with this naked guy. It was late (closing) and I just didn't think he was a nice guy. I spotted him a few times and he is strong. He is built well and I think a bit older than me.
Is this a common scenerio in gay attacks? Am I being over sensitive? Am I being homophobic? Men smack asses in sports and among friends all the time. This just gave me a weird feeling.
I'll take feedback. I was "molested" at age 15 by a drunk woman and I don't need any more baggage.
Jake

Hi Dodge, trust your feelings! When you said "He cupped and smacked my ass firmly.", I am sure alarm bells went off. He probably held on much to long for it to fit into normal locker room behavior, also you and this man have not known each other long enough to become friends so this does not fit into the normal grab-assing that goes on between friends. I would call this a very aggressive advance, he probably did it to cut to the chase. He was watching how you reacted to it to determine if you were gay or straight. I don't think he wants a long term relationship. If he did he would take longer to get to know you.

Take care,
Clifford

One of the worst things I hate about gay life is the bullshit they do like what you described. For some twisted reason gays think it's ok to walk up to another gay, stranger or not, and start grabbing nipples, asses, etc. I detest it and have made scenes to show that I do. One drunken idiot kept doing it to me at a bar and I asked him to stop it. One night when I walked in he was about to do it and I grabbed the shit out of his skin and I twisted it for all it was worth and he complained that it hurt. He never did it again. I am bi, and in the straight world it is not acceptable to walk up to a woman and grab her tits or her ass, so why should it be any different with gays? There are many things in the gay world that are just flat out repulsive.

Im not gay and I don't think it is normal gay behavior. I saw him again at the gym and he seemed to be trying to impress me with his weight lifting and posing in the showers.
Yesterday he asked me what brand of jock strap I was wearing. I told him and he asked what size I was wearing. This was in front of other guys and no one seemed to look at me like it was odd. Maybe he is comparing himself to me (like a contest in his mind).
Jake

Jake,
I don't think I would entertain any more of his questions. They are inappropiate regardless if you are gay or straight. Who knows what his motives are but I would use caution. Your radar is up for a reason and if I was in the same position, my radar would be up to. Trust your instincts.

Don

Jake,

I support your radar on this one. I worked years ago at the airport, and this other guy in the shop thought it was ok or funny to touch other guys' back sides. He did that to me and all it did was trigger me terrible. I ripped into him after he did it. Some time later he must have felt all comfortable with his behavior and did it to me again, so I ripped into him again. We never spoke again after that, and that was fine with me. I just didn't need that. Something tells me you don't need that either.

Jake,

So far as I can see, the jock-strap questions are a come-on and he's hitting on you. And the whole thing seems so narcissistic and shallow; he's not interested in you as a person at all, all he sees is an athletic body. He sounds like bad news and I would stay well away from him.

Much love,
Larry

I am gay, and a jock. I also wrestled in HS and am very comfortable in locker rooms and being naked. I have to concur with what has been said here; trust your gut only you know what is appropriate or not for you. A compliment is never meant to make the recipient uncomfortable, that is harassment. Good luck.

I can't be sure if he was out to attack you, perhaps it ws just really forward flirting. Regardless, putting his hands on you was crossing the line. Think of it this way: would you ever smack the bottom of a woman you only have a casual relationship with? The same scenario should apply here. This man's fliting has made you uncomfortable so the best thing to do is firmly establish your boundaries. You dont sound like a wimp, so you shouldn't have a problem being convincing when you assert yourself. A simple "Sorry I'm not gay." or "Don't put your hands on me" should be all that you need to make him back off. If he doesn't, don't hesitate to notify the authorities or the management of the gym.

Ok, another to add that I am gay as well...and I think he is "coming on" to you very strongly and I will say inappropriatly. If you are not comfortable with the situation he is placing you in by all means let him know he is making you uncomfortable.

Take care.

This isn't about gay or straight, it's about inappropriate behavior and violating boundaries. Most guys who are built like you say you are enjoy a little bit of admiration, but what the other guy is doing crosses many lines.

Tell him you don't like it and want it stopped.

Jake - I too agree with ShyBear that lines were crossed. "Look but don't touch" has been my traditional standard policy. If someone I really didn't know touched my body, I might just respond loudly and verbally! But if I were naked with him in the shower, he might get a physical reaction (POW!!!) before I knew what I was doing. Being a CSA victim from 5 through 13+ years, nobody ever gets that close to the line unless invited. If you cross the line univited - consequences!!


Howard

I worked out for 30 years. I am 47 now. I had to stop due to back problems.

Let me tell you, in all those years I NEVER looked at guys sexually in the gym, showers, etc. I go to the gym for the purpose of MY WORKOUT no one elses!

If a guy or a lady makes a move on me while I'm working out, it fell on death ears because I never paid attention.

If I looked at someone it was to see how s/he was lifting and doing a particular workout so I may adopt it for myself.

I had people asking me about my chest and my ass. Some who would take their fist and hit my pecs and I guess my look drove them away. I've been told I have a mean look. (though I'm a teddy bear really)

Someone cupping my ass cheeks with or without clothes isn't exactly a nice thing to do. Not that I would coldcock the person, but I'm sure when I would turn around quickly and ask 'what the hell are you doing?' would get the point across.

I'm GAY too! But no, don't touch me unless we are in bed together and then you can cup my azz as much as you want, but NO, not at the gym, not in public, etc. Don't grab my crotch, don't don't my pecs, don't touch my hair.

Yeah .. I was abused too, from four til sixteen. Which is a driving force of why I built up.

So man ... if he is asking you about your jockstrap, your pecs, etc ...

tell him your wife (or your mother LOL) buys your jock straps, your clothes and your wife/gf is the only one who touches your cheeks no matter where they are.

Though you could buy one of those shirts that say 'dicks are for chicks' .. that might get the message across ... I find the shirt funny

Shalom

That would make me feel very uncomfortable if someone did that to me. I recently joined this group and to tell you the truth if someone did that to me I would freak. On the other hand I have created such a guard that I don't think that anyone would do that. I am gay( I think) I have been molested by both men and woman so I don't really know what I am anymore. Seems like everyone was touching me when I was small. Gay men now terrify me and when they look at me I turn my head. I would like to run and hide from everyone. I think what he did was wrong.

I'm gay. I would never smack someone's ass in any public setting. It's not a gay thing. It's a person thing. the guy is just weird regardless if he is straight or gay. I would avoid him. he is obviously making you uncomfortable enough to post about it so just avoid him. it is possible however that he picked up mixed signals from you thinking you are gay and invited the flirting. thats fairly common in a mixed gym (gay and straight gym.) but you know where your boundries are. and do we know for sure he is even gay? he smacks your ass.. yeah.. i get that but like you said, sports guys always do that.

Jake,

You deserve respect from everyone, gay and str8. However, be careful about not sending the wrong signals. As a single gay man (like a single str8 man) I am looking for companionship and if the signals are given, then they are naturally acted up on. Please DON'T flirt with a gay man if you are not interested. It is really not fair. It is easy to make your preferences known. But I know for some str8 guys it is a 'game' to tease gay men. That is a kind of abuse in itself, so don't be a perp yourself!

Koveri

Koveri,
I don't think Jake expressed that he was "flirting" with the person who grabbed his ass. I think he was talking about, and in an innocent way, that someone made him feel very uncomfortable by their actions. I am gay and I think someone did do something inappropriate which bothered him enough to express it here and ask some questions for response. You seem to have reacted quite emotionally to Jake's posting, and I hope what he said did not offend you. I just think Jake was asking questions. That's all.
Steve

i dont know any straight guys that like to tease gay men if taking a shower makes you a perp then we all must be. sometimes i feel like being straight is seen as something bad.its weird . adam

.

Not at all offended DC and I fully support your feelings on this, especially the intimidation you felt because he was bigger than you. Yeah, that would definitely be a trigger. fwiw, it was exactly the same as CSA, it was about power over you.

Difference is, today you're an adult and can handle it adult-to-adult. Today, you have your own power you didn't have as a kid.

I don't know if this would be an option (or even if the guy would "get it"). Aside from reiterating the "no", would it even be conceivable to share with him that you were triggered? And I'm not speaking from the "I'm a victim" standpoint. I'm speaking from a position of strength. You can be the adult in the conversation, brains over brawn (keep the points short):


About the showers. Don't you ever do that again. Don't you ever touch me again. I'm not gay.

I'm also a survivor of sexual abuse. What you did in the showers was triggering in the worst possible way.

(If you believe it's appropriate): I can and will go to gym management about it if it happens again.


Caveat, it's only a suggestion. I don't know you or the jackass involved or his likely reaction. Your post bothered me. And I really hope your getting all the support you need to deal with it. It was bloody damn insensitive, inexcuseable and waaaaaay beyond what you or any guy should have to deal with in that situation.

Ironically, I had a bullying situation with a redneck neighbor years ago, who was MUCH bigger than me. He'd drive by muttering, "Faggot". I got fed up one day, so damn mad I went and pounded on his front door - he'd have been in his rights to beat the crap outta me for trespassing - and I told him, "Alright. Knock it off." I don't think he saw it coming. And the harassment stopped.

Jake,

I agree with most on here, this guy crossed a line, it is one thing to look at someone and admire them for the work that is put into their work out. It is something else that this guy is doing. When this occurs to me and I can tell its admiration that is innocent there are questions about what routine, diet, or exercises that focused on to get to where I am.

I am bi, and I have showered at the gym with bi, gay and straight men some strangers some are friends that I had relationships with but we do not take that kind of contact to the gym with us we are there for a reason and that is to stay fit.

Josh

Jake,

I am surprised at this.

When another man puts his hands on my body without my consent, I usually am very vocal, immediately. I am gay, but even so, just because I enjoy sex with other males doesn't mean I don't have a say in WHO!!!

The very next time you see this particular guy walk straight up to him and say, "I should tell you that while I appreciate being complemented on my physique, I don't allow other men to touch me like that, never do it again."

I would not have liked it and it is never too late to tell him NO.

Good Luck

I have decided to rethink my response by quoting yours.

Im not sure if this is offensive to any gay man here. If it is I apologise.--NOPE I AM NOT A BIT OFFENDED, WHAT I AM IS OUTRAGED AND TRIGGERED. I don't mind flirting from men while I am straight. I take it as a compliment and today I cannot tell if a man is gay or straight until he says so. --I AM GRATIFIED TO SEE THAT YOU TREAT GAY PERSONS WITH RESPECT AND WITHOUT STEREOTYPING
There is a bodybuilder at my gym who seems to be everywhere I am. Yesterday, he asked me in the showers "How did you sculp that ass man? It is perfect?" He cupped and smacked my ass firmly.--THIS IS TOTALLY BEYOND THE PALE. HE IS PLACING HIS OWN WANTS ABOVE YOURS I am usually the bigger guy but this guy has some muscle and height on me. We were alone and for the first time I felt a bit vulnerable naked with .....I just didn't think he was a nice guy.....he is strong. He is built well....
Is this a common scenerio in gay attacks?--AS YOU ARE AWARE, EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT.. Am I being over sensitive?--ABSOLUTELY NOT Am I being homophobic?--HELL NO Men smack asses in sports and among friends all the time. This just gave me a weird feeling.

OK...Sorry about all caps, but here are my thoughts.
1) Dude didn't have the right to touch you no matter what his sexuality.
2) Dude made you uncomfortable because he was making it clear that he wasn't respectful of your boundaries
3) Even in the Gay Bathhouses touching is precluded by permission. You don't ever push yourself onto someone who isn't SAYING yes.
4) When I was in therapy I learned to listen to my inner voice. If I feel threatened it is because I am being threatened. If I feel unsafe it is because I am in a situation that is unsafe.
5) I don't think you are in a position to be overpowered, but I don't know that. Your inner voice is THE AUTHORITY on your safety and if you feel like the dude violated you then I agree you were.
6) Dude totally violated your physical boundaries and you need to protect yourself.
7) Dude is totally following you around and you noticed it.
8) I would arrange for someone to go with me to the gym for a few weeks. I would not be alone with this guy until we had cleared up his intentions and set some boundaries. (not to be rude but...DON'T, STOP, NO, and OFF are all appropriate here)

One thing for sure, today I will NOT allow my inner child to be brutalized again. I will OBJECT, I will DEFEND, I will BE VERY CLEAR and VOCAL about it. I WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY, Dude will get told in no uncertain terms that he is NOT to touch me again.


G.

I am extremely cautious at the gym. I am bisexual, with a strong lean toward gay. But I think I would out right loose it if sometime touched me like that in the shower. for some reason the gym has become a hot bed for guys on the down low. these "straight" guys have become aggressive in my presence. Never toward me but I have witnessed it.

I made it clear that I am not there to be assaulted. Anybody that does try and pull me into that locker room crap is going to not be happy about it.

Hank

I agree with Hank - the gym has a purpose and so do the showers - its not the pick up place and if you are going to act like that they wont get a happy ending from me.

Josh