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#70413 - 07/26/06 12:43 AM Re: kinda confused
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

Well, you aren't alone at all. We see every word and we understand how you feel.

Being a gay teenager is fine. Your sexuality is part of who you are and if you are ever to be happy you have to learn to like and respect yourself just as you are.

But try to remember that gay sex and sexual abuse are very different things. Gay sex is something that two males share because they want that for each other; they decide this is what they will do, and each one has the right to decide what he wants and what he can and cannot do. Abuse is nothing like that. It's about a more powerful person exploiting, tricking, and betraying someone else...usually a boy a lot younger than himself. Abuse isn't something two people "do" together, it's a crime committed by one AGAINST the other.

There's a lot more to say about this, but I hope this helps. Welcome to the site, and as others have said, just ease into it and get used to things here. You will find a LOT of support and no one will judge you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70414 - 08/04/06 06:03 PM Re: kinda confused
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Hi David,

I hope things are getting a little better. Remember that being hurt wasn't your fault. No matter how many times that it happened, or what you "should have done" but didn't, it's not your fault.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#70415 - 08/05/06 02:36 PM Re: kinda confused
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Hi, again, David.
Just hoping that things are going a little better for you now.
Nothing that was done to us a children, whether we thought we "liked it" or not, is not our FAULT.
Just remember always, "I am good, strong and beautiful; I am proud to be honest and kind; I am David".
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70416 - 08/08/06 01:09 AM Re: kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
I want to thank you people for writing me back, I do appreciate it. Well I guess I should go on a little more about my situation. See this is the bad part, the man who kept doing all those things to me was actually my father. It went on for quite awhile. My Dad was always ashamed of me I guess cuz I am deaf and I can't speak as well as he would like. As far back as I can remember I just kept trying to do things he would like so hopefully I could make him love me. At first it was just little things like getting his beer or newspaper and stuff like that. Then later it progressed to doing more personal things for him. When I would do these little things he would smile at me and I would just feel on top of the world. Then as I got older things changed. He would call me into the bathroom when he was in the shower to have me get things for him like a towel or shampoo or what ever. I remember the first time I saw him naked I looked down 'there' just cuz I was curious I think but he said things like I was a little queer cuz I liked looking at him there. Well eventually he said if I liked looking there why don't I touch it. Well to make a long story short, he started making me do things to him 'down' there. He would praise me for being a good boy while he was enjoying it but as soon as he got his satisfaction, he would get mean. The routing was always he made me take care of his needs and then he would beat me and call me names. I really was always afraid but there was those little moments when he was nice to me when I was make to do him that I in error thought he loved me. Well as you can now see, that is why I know that alot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times. Everyone says I was lucky I came out of this alive as I have lots of injuries I guess.

Well thanks for taking the time to read this. I think it helps me to write it down but it is hard to.

David


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#70417 - 08/09/06 05:01 AM Re: kinda confused
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
David,

It hurts to read of the abuse. It also hurts to hear you blame yourself.

"Well as you can now see, that is why I know that alot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times."

Of course you didn't deserve to get hurt, and I don't know if I'm reading you right, but it hurts to hear you say any thing there was your fault. Most if not all boys really want their fathers to be proud of them. Your father saw this as an opportunity to exploit your need for your father's affirmation. What a horrible thing. I hope you will be ok.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#70418 - 08/09/06 06:10 AM Re: kinda confused
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
david,if you do go to court have someone ask if you can give video taped testimony,you might not even have to talk in court shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#70419 - 08/09/06 06:51 AM Re: kinda confused
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

Quote:
Well as you can now see, that is why I know that a lot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times.
In fact none of this was your fault. As Andy has already said, it's natural for a boy to want the approval of his father. In fact, that kind of thing is very important and in your case your father should have realized that with your hearing problem you would probably benefit from a lot of extra support, attention and love. Instead he treated you badly, beat you and lured you into abuse.

All you did was do whatever it took to please your father, and believe me, so many boys have fallen into that trap or one like it. It's not a boy's responsibility to understand when an adult is taking him too far. It's the adult's responsibility to keep his hands off.

So far as looking at your father in the shower, that is the most natural thing in the world. It's called curiosity and I think any boy would do that. It says nothing at all about your sexuality.

I'm glad you are able to talk about this; I think that will help you. And I hope you won't hesitate to raise any other issue that concerns you. That's what this place is all about, and no one here will give you anything less than their full understanding and support.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#70420 - 08/10/06 01:55 PM Re: kinda confused
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
It's not your fault, brother David.
Adults can be so fucked up when dealing with children, especially children who are in any way "different."
In my case the abuser was my step-father.
And he made me believe that I was the sexual "agressor" and that he was something like the innocent bystander.
The really fucked up part of all that was that I believe him for almost 40 years!!
No child can truly consent to a sexual relationship with an adult; it's psychologically impossible. The power and "authority" imbalance is just too great.
Hope this helps, David. Keep coming back.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70421 - 08/15/06 12:53 AM Re: kinda confused
rugbydawg Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/11/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Portland, OR
David, your courage and strength should be commended. I was attacked when I was your age, by an adult who got me drunk. I wrestled with my own desire being gay for a long time before I understood and accepted that it was normal to have pleasure from sex, but abuse is not consensual pleasure, he took what he wanted, and that just sucks.

It gets better, I swear it does, just hang in there. You have more people than you know fighting with you.

Dawg

_________________________
Carpe Diem

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#70422 - 08/15/06 11:45 AM Re: kinda confused
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Aloha David,

To repeat what everyone else has said, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Hang in there. You got everyone's support here.

Sunny


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