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#70403 - 07/17/06 04:41 AM kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
I am new to this site. I am a 16 year old boy that am just very confused and don't know what to do. Hope this is a safe place to talk. My bad experience is still very new (few days ago).


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#70404 - 07/17/06 04:57 AM Re: kinda confused
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10959
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi David. I used to interpret for the deaf. My signing is rusty, but I still know most of it. I have only a couple of deaf friends now.

I'm sad that you have to come here, but I'm glad you found this resource. Talk when you are comfortable doing so. Welcome to the board.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#70405 - 07/17/06 05:06 AM Re: kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
Thank you Andy.It was hard to write so am happy to get a reply. So you know ASL? How cool! I am what they call profoundly deaf (born this way and am totally deaf). That does make communication harder. After "it" happened I was injured quite badly and had to spend several days in the hospital and that was really bad. The police didn't have anyone that could communicate with me. They all treated me like I was retarded or something instead of just deaf. I am just as normal as anyone, just deaf. Oh well, thanks for letting me vent a little. I feel like I'm kinda freaking out but I am strong and will be ok. Thanks again Andy.


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#70406 - 07/17/06 05:57 AM Re: kinda confused
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10959
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi again.

You're welcome.

Actually, I don't know ASL, but would like to learn. The friends I learned sign from 21 years ago taught me SEE instead. I manage to communicate ok with ASL folks though. I have some past experiences with deaf culture and it has been one of the better times in my life. For awhile, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I have also read two books that are quite insightful: A Deaf Adult Speaks Out, and Dancing Without Music.

That's a pity what happened with the police. I feel like smacking folks like that upside the head. But then, that's the same situation with people who speak out of turn about SA, right?

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#70407 - 07/17/06 06:36 AM Re: kinda confused
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Hi David,

I too am so sorry you've just been through such a bad experience. I helps so much to know that there are people out there who understand the terrible trauma, doesn't it.

Please understand that there is no pressure for you to tell what happened to you. That will all come if and when you are ready for it to, and not before, and that's OK. Just hang around with us and talk to us about the things you can talk about, or you can just hang here and read other people's posts if you wish. Just know that you are welcome here. Glad to have you aboard, but so sorry of the reason you are here.

Safe Hugs,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#70408 - 07/17/06 02:42 PM Re: kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
Thanks again for writing me back. I know this will help in a way. Is this a safe place to describe what all happened? I have so many things still to do. They are putting me in a new home. I have to go to court which I don't know if I can cuz "HE" will be right there looking at me and I have to say everything that happened! I know it is hard to make people understand me at times cuz my speech is not as good as it should be in that I am deaf but they hopefuly will have an ASL interp. there. I don't have any of my things now either. Oh well, I sound like a baby. I'm almost bald now cuz they cut off my hair when they did an operation and I look like a freak to make matters worse. Well I have to stop for now but I will get up courage to tell my whole story cuz I know inside that it will help just putting it all down if that is ok here?? Some people might already know my story anyway cuz the whole thing was in the newspaper anyway, HOW EMBARRASSING!! Anyway, thank you for being here.


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#70409 - 07/17/06 03:34 PM Re: kinda confused
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
thank you for being here, shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#70410 - 07/18/06 10:10 PM Re: kinda confused
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
David, So sorry for the things that have happened to you. It's hard to believe when you first come here that so many people really do care about what happened to you and how you feel about all of it, but they really do. And the amazing thing is that, even though all of our experiences may have been very different, we really do understand how it makes you feel on the inside. You may or may not want to share exactly what happened to you. But when and if you do, it will be handled carefully and tenderly. We understand also the pain of telling the stories. We're so sorry that you have a need to be here, but always welcome the chance to help someone understand that, even though they have experienced one of the most difficult things the world can give anyone to deal with, no one has to go through it alone. Talk to us. That's what we're here for.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#70411 - 07/22/06 02:46 PM Re: kinda confused
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Greetings, David.
Welcome to the brotherhood of MS. We are all here for you, as well as for each other. It's ok to relax a little here and just take a few deep, cleansing breaths.
You are doing the right thing, court wise, and I applaud your courage. Eventually, everything will get better.
Here's a big hug of welcome and support.
(((((David)))))
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70412 - 07/26/06 12:34 AM Re: kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
Thank you for taking the time to write me back. My life here in this place sure sucks. They are hiding me because of the witness thing. Its official now, I am what they call, a ward of the court. That feels really strange. Now my mom can't see me either. They charged her with something like failure to protect her minor child so its like now she is not my mom any more. So now I am on my own I guess, but I am glad of that cuz I think I can take better care of me than anyone else has. Well I have been doing alot of thinking about all of this. I know alot of it is my fault. When he would do all those things to me, there was a weird part in me that liked it. I guess I never said here that I am pretty sure I am a gay boy, hope it is ok to say that right up front. I am not ashamed of that but I was made to feel bad from him about it (boy he called me every bad name given to gay people I have ever heard, and alot of names I never heard before, lol). It was I felt like a love for a few minutes till it got violent. He made me do things and would stroke my hair and stuff and for awhile it was loving but it always changed for the worse. I guess you can tell that it happened quite a few times so you can see that is my fault. I should have stopped it right away I know but I guess I always hoped that each individual time would be different. I really don't know what I would do that made him so mad at me. I tried to be what he wanted so he wouldn't get sooooo mad but I just don't understand, maybe cuz I don't hear I don't understand things I should. The only time I ever got up the nerve to say no to him was the last time when he about killed me. I know its not right what he did to me cuz I was actually hurt really bad. Now although I just don't know what will happen to me here as its all out of my control just cuz I am a minor. Well I don't even know if anyone will read this but it helped me anyway just writing it down. I know other guys here have also had really bad things happen to them. I hope someday I will be able to help guys here as well. Well I kinda hate to stop writing cuz I don't feel alone when I am writing. Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read my babbling, lol.

David


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#70413 - 07/26/06 12:43 AM Re: kinda confused
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

Well, you aren't alone at all. We see every word and we understand how you feel.

Being a gay teenager is fine. Your sexuality is part of who you are and if you are ever to be happy you have to learn to like and respect yourself just as you are.

But try to remember that gay sex and sexual abuse are very different things. Gay sex is something that two males share because they want that for each other; they decide this is what they will do, and each one has the right to decide what he wants and what he can and cannot do. Abuse is nothing like that. It's about a more powerful person exploiting, tricking, and betraying someone else...usually a boy a lot younger than himself. Abuse isn't something two people "do" together, it's a crime committed by one AGAINST the other.

There's a lot more to say about this, but I hope this helps. Welcome to the site, and as others have said, just ease into it and get used to things here. You will find a LOT of support and no one will judge you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70414 - 08/04/06 06:03 PM Re: kinda confused
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Hi David,

I hope things are getting a little better. Remember that being hurt wasn't your fault. No matter how many times that it happened, or what you "should have done" but didn't, it's not your fault.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#70415 - 08/05/06 02:36 PM Re: kinda confused
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Hi, again, David.
Just hoping that things are going a little better for you now.
Nothing that was done to us a children, whether we thought we "liked it" or not, is not our FAULT.
Just remember always, "I am good, strong and beautiful; I am proud to be honest and kind; I am David".
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70416 - 08/08/06 01:09 AM Re: kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
I want to thank you people for writing me back, I do appreciate it. Well I guess I should go on a little more about my situation. See this is the bad part, the man who kept doing all those things to me was actually my father. It went on for quite awhile. My Dad was always ashamed of me I guess cuz I am deaf and I can't speak as well as he would like. As far back as I can remember I just kept trying to do things he would like so hopefully I could make him love me. At first it was just little things like getting his beer or newspaper and stuff like that. Then later it progressed to doing more personal things for him. When I would do these little things he would smile at me and I would just feel on top of the world. Then as I got older things changed. He would call me into the bathroom when he was in the shower to have me get things for him like a towel or shampoo or what ever. I remember the first time I saw him naked I looked down 'there' just cuz I was curious I think but he said things like I was a little queer cuz I liked looking at him there. Well eventually he said if I liked looking there why don't I touch it. Well to make a long story short, he started making me do things to him 'down' there. He would praise me for being a good boy while he was enjoying it but as soon as he got his satisfaction, he would get mean. The routing was always he made me take care of his needs and then he would beat me and call me names. I really was always afraid but there was those little moments when he was nice to me when I was make to do him that I in error thought he loved me. Well as you can now see, that is why I know that alot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times. Everyone says I was lucky I came out of this alive as I have lots of injuries I guess.

Well thanks for taking the time to read this. I think it helps me to write it down but it is hard to.

David


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#70417 - 08/09/06 05:01 AM Re: kinda confused
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10959
Loc: Denver, CO
David,

It hurts to read of the abuse. It also hurts to hear you blame yourself.

"Well as you can now see, that is why I know that alot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times."

Of course you didn't deserve to get hurt, and I don't know if I'm reading you right, but it hurts to hear you say any thing there was your fault. Most if not all boys really want their fathers to be proud of them. Your father saw this as an opportunity to exploit your need for your father's affirmation. What a horrible thing. I hope you will be ok.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#70418 - 08/09/06 06:10 AM Re: kinda confused
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
david,if you do go to court have someone ask if you can give video taped testimony,you might not even have to talk in court shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#70419 - 08/09/06 06:51 AM Re: kinda confused
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

Quote:
Well as you can now see, that is why I know that a lot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times.
In fact none of this was your fault. As Andy has already said, it's natural for a boy to want the approval of his father. In fact, that kind of thing is very important and in your case your father should have realized that with your hearing problem you would probably benefit from a lot of extra support, attention and love. Instead he treated you badly, beat you and lured you into abuse.

All you did was do whatever it took to please your father, and believe me, so many boys have fallen into that trap or one like it. It's not a boy's responsibility to understand when an adult is taking him too far. It's the adult's responsibility to keep his hands off.

So far as looking at your father in the shower, that is the most natural thing in the world. It's called curiosity and I think any boy would do that. It says nothing at all about your sexuality.

I'm glad you are able to talk about this; I think that will help you. And I hope you won't hesitate to raise any other issue that concerns you. That's what this place is all about, and no one here will give you anything less than their full understanding and support.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70420 - 08/10/06 01:55 PM Re: kinda confused
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
It's not your fault, brother David.
Adults can be so fucked up when dealing with children, especially children who are in any way "different."
In my case the abuser was my step-father.
And he made me believe that I was the sexual "agressor" and that he was something like the innocent bystander.
The really fucked up part of all that was that I believe him for almost 40 years!!
No child can truly consent to a sexual relationship with an adult; it's psychologically impossible. The power and "authority" imbalance is just too great.
Hope this helps, David. Keep coming back.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

Top
#70421 - 08/15/06 12:53 AM Re: kinda confused
rugbydawg Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/11/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Portland, OR
David, your courage and strength should be commended. I was attacked when I was your age, by an adult who got me drunk. I wrestled with my own desire being gay for a long time before I understood and accepted that it was normal to have pleasure from sex, but abuse is not consensual pleasure, he took what he wanted, and that just sucks.

It gets better, I swear it does, just hang in there. You have more people than you know fighting with you.

Dawg

_________________________
Carpe Diem

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#70422 - 08/15/06 11:45 AM Re: kinda confused
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Aloha David,

To repeat what everyone else has said, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Hang in there. You got everyone's support here.

Sunny


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#70423 - 08/23/06 07:48 PM Re: kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
I want to thank all the guys that have contacted me both privately as well as on this board. It has really helped to know I am not alone in all this. Right now there are too many things still happening around this matter to sort out. They are assigning me to a boys home now which is supposed to be pretty bad. The legal stuff is a nightmare, a lawyer even made some wise cracks about me that made it seem that this all might be my fault (like I was the aggressive person here). The only possessions I now have are my clothes (and I only have a very few) and this computer. I don’t have any of my regular friends and do not even live in a town where I know anybody. My family definitely blame me for the whole thing because my Dad is in jail and he will lose his business and house I guess. I guess in a way I should have handled this whole thing better. All the problems just seem to keep getting bigger and bigger and there is no end in site. My life is worse now than it was when I still lived with Dad except I am no longer beat. Its bad to say I know but I almost wish I could just go back to him, maybe this time I could help him more to get over his sickness. I tried before but obviously I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t even report this to the police, it was the hospital that called them. When the detectives came, I lied for a long time about what happened but they knew the truth anyway. I still am blamed by my family for this whole mess. Wow I just realized how negative this whole post seems. Sorry guys, I know you all have your problems as well. I will probably not write more here as I just have to do something to get out of this whole mess cuz I can’t stand it any more. Thanks again guys and I wish every last one of you all the best. Have a good life


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#70424 - 08/23/06 11:35 PM Re: kinda confused
randy tafoya Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/03/06
Posts: 10
Loc: albuquerque nm
hello i was talking to u online and i hope everythings going ok. i am in my own recoovery right now. between a book and therapist im starting to see. life will only get better u have made a start for the rest of your like.

_________________________
casper

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#70425 - 08/24/06 05:14 AM Re: kinda confused
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 796
Loc: North Texas
David do not blame yourself for what the grownups in your life are doing! I am sorry that they are blaming you. That is just so wrong!

I hope the court is getting you a therapist to see. Do not be afraid to tell the therapist all that happened, and your thoughts about it. About thinking that you are gay, it could be that you are gay, or it could be that because of what was being done to you, you think that you are gay. I am not trying to make you go one way or the other, I just want you to keep a open mind on it.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#70426 - 08/24/06 02:49 PM Re: kinda confused
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
David,
Please do not stop posting here! As you have seen, there are many brothers who are very interested in your story, and want to cheer you on to a better, healthier place in your life.
It may sometimes be very difficult to see "the light at the end of the tunnel." But, things can get better -- for you, and for each of us. Often, it takes time and hard work, but we can recover from the abuse we've received (none of which was our "fault").
Please take good care of yourself, David, and stay connected to this site.
We care, we are concerned about you, we send you wishes for peace, and we send you our love.
(((David)))
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70427 - 08/27/06 06:23 PM Re: kinda confused
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
David,

Hang in there with us, Buddy. You are worth having a good life. You did not do the wrong thing. Your father did. He's to blame and he is the one who should be bearing all the shame.

This was NOT your fault. It never is the fault of the child or teen. One of the men here has a sig line that says "Children cannot consent, they can only comply". That is so true in your case as well as mine and the rest of the guys here. It was the choice of the abuser to do what they did to us. We had no power in the equation and simply had to comply. There were no other choices.

It's easy to look back from after the fact and say "I should have done this or I should have done that", but those thoughts come as a result of knowledge we learned from what happened to us and were not available to us while we were so vulnerable.

Rest easy, Bro. You are loved here and we want only the best for you in your life. We'll be here to help hold you up when you need it. Just stay connected.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#70428 - 08/27/06 07:43 PM Re: kinda confused
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
Wow, I can't begin to tell you all how much of a help it has been being here with all you. I have received so many personal messages and everything. You all just made me snap out of it a little and take a step back and look at my whole situation. I now realize that while I am still going through the court stuff and foster care and everything else, I just have to take each day and get through it and not fix my whole life now. I came very close to just ending it all a few days ago cuz I just couldn't cope with it all at once I guess. I know I am really confused but at least today I feel better. I just got out of the chat room and met 2 new very nice guys that offered so much advise. This website is just so good for me as it has given me the opportunity to meet so many great people. I hope someday that I can help you all too. I hope we all can just take a deep breath and look at something good that is happening to us now. Its to easy to get lost in the bad things. Well I know I am rambling so will stop for now. THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE!

David


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#70429 - 08/27/06 10:19 PM Re: kinda confused
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

Quote:
I hope we all can just take a deep breath and look at something good that is happening to us now. Its to easy to get lost in the bad things.
That's exactly it bro! You will have challenging days again in the future, but when they come just look back to the 27th of August 2006. ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70430 - 08/27/06 11:07 PM Re: kinda confused
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
David,

You post brings me happiness! \:\) \:\) \:\)

I'm glad this place has been a positive influence for you. That is exactly the reason it exists. I'm glad you are learning that there is a future beyond all this pain. Hang in there, Bro. You are worth it.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#70431 - 08/28/06 12:30 AM Re: kinda confused
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
David,

I am so glad you are feeling better. I'm thinking great thoughts for you my friend.

Dale


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#70432 - 08/28/06 04:05 AM Re: kinda confused
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
this is very true - about looking at what is

good around us -

i agree larry -

it's hard to do - but it's important -

if even to just make a joke

to kick that down stuff away -

it ain't easy - but a great reminder

Cheers-

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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