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#70370 - 07/01/06 10:07 PM Was I molested/abused?
wrtr44 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/01/06
Posts: 4
Hello,

I just found this website and registered because I am trying to settle a question in my mind that I've been thinking about for a long time.

I think I may have been molested, but I have doubt in my mind because I was a willing participant in the "molestation" (this happened to me when I was about to turn 15 years old and the person I had a sexual experience with was an adult).

In other words, what was done to me was not done to me against my will--I wanted it. Was I molested if I wanted it?? Again, I was a teen and the other person was an adult.

Should I give more details to this story? I am hesitant to go into the details here.

Thanks.


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#70371 - 07/02/06 01:06 AM Re: Was I molested/abused?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 796
Loc: North Texas
Hello wrtr44, there is no doubt, you were (statutory) raped, to say the least. Please read, http://www.malesurvivor.org/SA.htm , also http://www.malesurvivor.org/Prevention%20&%20Education/Articles/groom.htm

I have no doubt that you will find yourself in both of the articles.
Should you give more details? Wait until you have learned to trust us, there is no hurry. When you are ready, we have a forum for survivors stories.

Welcome to the site, I am sorry that this happened to you, but you will find people here that will hear what ever you want to tell us.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#70372 - 07/03/06 12:16 AM Re: Was I molested/abused?
wrtr44 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/01/06
Posts: 4
Thank you.


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#70373 - 07/04/06 03:50 AM Re: Was I molested/abused?
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
Hello WRTR44, just wanted to say there is a period of about four to five years of my life where I find myself asking the same question, "Was abuse or molestation going on here?" After one incident of about a year of sexual abuse and another incident which was a violent nasty onetimer sorta deal, things go blank for me for a period of time then I am around 13 and identifying myself more and more with being gay. By 15 or 16, I was sexual active with men by what I consider my choice. I will say, in college, I had a male roomate 9 years older than me that I became involved with. He was the one that I had the least gap of age with of all who I have been with.

At any rate, up untill around 20 years of age, I was seriously sowing some oats and getting myself into situations that only through the grace of God, I can say, I made it out relatively unscathed. I certainly desired to be with the men I was with during those years. One of them is one of my best friends to this date even though sex stopped quite a whiles back and I know he truly cares for me and has throughout our unfolding relationship so I have no questions of abuse there. There is a number of them though that I know without a doubt saw a young piece to do so those I put in the question mark territory as I wanted it as much as they did. My expectations of where those relationships might lead were probably vastly different than theirs though and they manipulatively kept that little truth secret from me, soI vacillate between some type of abuse and just having a string of bad or relatively meaningless relationships.

I would urge you to seperate your personal desires from the equation somewhat when analyzing if you were a willing participant in "it". Was your conception of "it" right before things occured close to similarity to the "it" that commenced and concluded the occurences. An adult and a teen can desire to have sex with each other and their still not be a meeting of the minds due to various inequalities of development so its at least something to consider.


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#70374 - 07/04/06 02:43 PM Re: Was I molested/abused?
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Welcome, wrtr44/
Yup, I'm afraid so. Your story sounds a lot like mine, but I WAS abused; and I believe so were you.
---
The first criterion for me is the age/power difference when the sexual relationship began. (A 14 year old dealing with an adult simply cannot (legally and psychologically) consent to such relations)).
The second, and more important to me, criterion is "are there problems/dysfunctions in later life that can be traced back to an abusive sexual situation in childhood? The problems can be major or relatively minor in terms of interferring with "normal" function, especially in the sexual realm, but by no means only in the sexual realm. Some guys "recover" on their own; most of the rest of us adjust and "carry on" as best we can; a few cannot find healing and fall wounded and helpless by the roadside.
I have to say "sorry" that you experienced this abuse, and "congratulations" that you have found this site. Stick around, listen lots, jump in if and when you feel ready. You've found many friends and brothers with whom you can relax and just be yourself.
Love, etc.,
george of kent
p.s. I do not mean to imply that "gay-ness", per se, is in any way dysfunctional. I was queer before, during and after my abuse. That just is not part of my equation.

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70375 - 07/05/06 07:46 PM Re: Was I molested/abused?
wrtr44 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/01/06
Posts: 4
thank you to all who have responded to my message/question.


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#70376 - 07/06/06 04:39 PM Re: Was I molested/abused?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
wrtr44,

A useful parallel might be this. A 15 yo is lonely and confused, and an adult offers him drinks. The boy agrees and gets wasted. Whose fault is that?

One could say it was the boy's fault - he accepted the drinks and wanted them. But that would be a wrong way to look at it. The adult was in a position of power and authority, and he abused that to get the kid drunk. It was the adult's job to act responsibly and offer the kid support that would help him, as opposed to amuse the adult at the kid's expense.

Yes, you were abused.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70377 - 07/06/06 11:15 PM Re: Was I molested/abused?
wrtr44 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/01/06
Posts: 4
Thank you, Larry. I am going to post my story under "Survivor Stories" and would like some feedback.


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#70378 - 07/07/06 12:33 AM Re: Was I molested/abused?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 796
Loc: North Texas
Hi Wrt44, about your story, be sure to let people know that you want feedback, the survivors stories forum is special, we cannot put reply to your story in there. But we can send you PM's, or once you write your story you can start a new message in here or the main forum asking us to give feedback on your story.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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