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#70361 - 06/28/06 04:41 AM Unclear..
Cres Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
Hello,

I am new here and feel a little at ease having read some of the posts. Well, my story of abuse started when I was I believe three and went on till I was around 12. It was so consistent and I led such a "protected" existence that till I was much older I didnt even realize that this was anything abnormal (I thought this happened to all the "special" kids). Anyhow to make a long story short, once I realized that this was not normal, I guess I decided to "reconfigure" my conditioning and have been quite successful at it. I have had many relationships with women, most of which were very fulfilling and during most of the relationships I never thought of being with men. But I guess, in between relationships (as currently) I have always thought of men sexually but only in settings similar to the abuse. I recently decided that as I have never had a relationship with a man (after the abuse) I should do the next best thing to see if I am really attracted to men, and that was to look at gay porn. Well, I guess based on my experience with gay porn, I can only say that I am gay as I was turned on by the images I saw. But on the other hand I enjoy being with women and cannot realistically think of being with a man (only in a fantasy). So my dilemna is: am I repressing being gay or is what I am going through the consequences of the imprinting that occured very early on? Sorry for being so wordy but I would truly value some of your insight......

_________________________
Cres

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#70362 - 06/28/06 05:37 AM Re: Unclear..
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Cres, First of all, welcome. As we always say, we're sorry you have a reason to be here, but glad you found us. There are wise people here. I'm sure they will talk to you on this subject. Unfortunately, you are hearing from one of the not so wise first. What I can say to you that may help a little is that what you are talking about is not an unusual thing here. It helped me to find that out. The dilemma is still a dilemma, but not quite so bad if you can understand that there is a reason for it. You can tackle it as a natural result of what has happened to you rather than this thing you have going on in your head that no one else has dealt with perhaps. I have been married for 38 years, didn't figure out that I was gay until after I was married and had a child, decided to go into the closet rather than act on my feelings, came out of the closet 32 years later only to discover that I don't know if I'm gay or not. It is very difficult to say, "Only kidding" about a thing like that. I, like you, find men sexually attractive. So, I'm gay, right? So why during all those years in the closet did I never act on my gay feelings? If I was truly gay, wouldn't I have had to go out and experience gay sex....have a gay relationship? I had close gay friends and didn't even tell them. So I'm still at that wondering stage. I don't know if I'll ever not be. I'm not sure it's worth losing everything I hold dear to find out if I like gay sex or not. What if I find out I'm not gay and am just confused because of the abuse? What then? "Oh, honey, I've had my gay affair and it didn't work out. I don't think I'm gay anymore. Can I come home, please?" Don't think so. It is so much more complicated than do I or don't I or am I or am I not. And it is really hard to deal with. Now you've had the "Yeah, I've got that, too." note. Hope it helped. It helped me when I found out how many other guys here had questions about their sexuality. Questioning almost seems to come with the territory somehow. Now you can wait for the wise ones to explain it to you in a more understandable way.
Again, welcome. If you ever want to talk, please don't hesitate to PM me. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#70363 - 06/28/06 09:32 AM Re: Unclear..
TexasCowboy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 22
Loc: Houston, TX
Cres,
Many gay men will say "either you are, or you aren't." I wish it were that black and white. Perhaps all of us have "degrees" of homosexuality, some have very little, whereas some of us have more, many of us are exclusively attracted to members of the same sex. The reasons that we find the attraction can be different for evryone. Your attraction could be the product of the sexual abuse that you have survived, even if the perp was a woman. Likewise, many people repress their deisres to experience levels of relationships with members of the same sex becaus of societal, relilgious and even professional reasons. Making the decision to have sex with someone of the same sex is very easy for some, and much harder for others. Above all, if you share this with someone who may be sexually attracted to you do not let them pressure you into a sexual encounter unless you are comfortable and completely ready to do so. If you're not in the right place emotionally then you owe it to yourself to not to be persuaded or coerced. Only you will know when/if it is time to have sex with another man. Above all, welcome to this site. It's a safe place that I too just recently found and have come here to help with the healing process. It is helping tremendously. Do come back again.

_________________________
The strongest hearts are sometimes broken,
As the deepest thoughts arent always soken,
and the greatest wounds we hide inside ourselves where they never show

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#70364 - 06/28/06 01:49 PM Re: Unclear..
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Hey, Cres,
Both Bobby and TexasCowboy offer comments which are as nearly crystal clear as is possible in a very murky subject area.
Response to porn (gay or non-) is perhaps a small clue, but doesn't really solve the puzzle -- and perhaps it is only a response to something situational in your abuse history.
Having had many "successful" relations with women, is a larger clue, but doesn't answer the question 100%.
My experience suggests that the Kinsey scale is a sliding scale, and that very few of us are completely gay OR completely straight. In my case, I was married for almost 20 years, had 3 children, and -- as it turns out -- finally discovered/admitted that I am actually "as queer as a three dollar bill." Now I am in a relationship with a male partner that will soon see a 27th anniversary. (OK, it's true -- I am now older than dirt).
Talking these issues over with a t is probably the most helpful thing you can do. And, this forum is always available and very inexpensive. There are many wounded brothers here who will listen to your stories without being judgmental and who can offer advice and opinions without being dogmatic.
Welcome. Here's a hug (((((Cres))))) so that you will know you can keep comin' back.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70365 - 06/28/06 06:35 PM Re: Unclear..
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Cres,

One thing that's worth noting is that sexuality isn't just about what turns you on. There are so many other considerations: who you like to share with, who you feel emotionally safe with, who you like to cuddle and touch, who you feel content and fulfilled with, and so on. So if you are turned on by gay porn, I doubt that this really identifies you as "gay". And as George has already noted, gay and straight aren't opposites anyway. The picture is so much more complicated.

Another point I would like to offer, Cres, is the fact that as a boy abused for almost all of his pre-adolescent years, your sense of sexual boundaries must have been pretty much wrecked by what was done to you. That's a problem so many of us have. That's not an easy one to restore on one's own, my friend, so I'm not at all surprised at the confusion that shows up in your post.

As for so many other issues in CSA, the real way forward is with a T, someone who can guide you, keep you safe, and help you sort out these issues. It's not easy getting started and the first sessions are usually frightening and very awkward - mine certainly were. But after awhile you get used to it, and if you have a good T you will learn a lot and make a lot of progress.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70366 - 06/28/06 11:27 PM Re: Unclear..
Cres Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
Thank you all very much for your responses. Well, it is so strange because its almost like there is this part of me that doesnt fit into the whole of me (but of course it is still a part of me). I can imagine myself having a relationship with another man but I would have to be quite "childlike" or "passive" and that is not who I am (but could be for a little while I guess). On the other hand, I feel that if I am attracted to men then I must be gay and maybe I am just repressing it 'cause of societal pressures. But then to make it even more interesting, I cease to be attracted to men once I get to know them and talk with them etc. Whereas with women, its the other way round, I am not as attracted initially but as I get close to them it becomes stronger and stronger. So its very complex! Any insights?

_________________________
Cres

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#70367 - 06/29/06 12:43 PM Re: Unclear..
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
((lol))
Welcome to the human race!!
As has been written: we are 'strange and wonderfully made'.
My only insight, today, is that our very complexity is a source of almost infinite variety and richness. This marvelous and constant diversity almost makes me believe in a God with a delightfully "devilish" sense of humor.
To sort this all out, I do strongly recommend that you try to find some professional therapy/counseling. From what you have written, I think that you'll probably find yourself closer to the "hetero" end of the Kinsey scale -- but, what do I know?
With respect and love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70368 - 07/07/06 09:11 PM Re: Unclear..
scooter Offline
Member

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
Cres, I completely understand where you're coming from. I think it is very important to have male friends through all of this. I never made many friends, but when I am with my friends (who are very attractive) I have no sexual attraction to them. And with women it's almost the other way around, except I have attraction for them as well.

The thing I've found is that what I thought was attraction to men isn't excitement, but is actually panic. The panic is in regards to sex and my mind starts to do anything it can to eliminate the panic, even try to justify it as arousal.

I started to pay more attention to my arousal patterns. I found that with my wife, as with women before her, my arousal was my true arousal and completely different than feelings surrounding men and sex.

I've considered myself bi and disclosed to my wife, but after doing that, I don't have the guilt over my feelings and have been able to feel them. I feel what I feel before looking at porn and how I feel afterward. When looking at gay porn I don't feel whole and it doesn't bring me excitement or joy. It brings a panic that I can make myself believe is arousal, but as I feel more it is not. Now straight porn hits more to my arousal, but it doesn't bring joy to my life.

The other thing I've begun to understand is that I am preoccupied with sex. I sat down the other day and for the first time tried to feel the feeling that was making me preoccupied - and it was sheer terror. I have it much of the day. The only time it goes away is when I am with my wife. But sometimes even our being together doesn't overcome it and we are left to pick up the pieces again.

I guess I just want to say that yes, it is confusing, but after time and insights who we are becomes clear. We can begin to move through the abuse and become healthy and begin to understand who we really are - and appreciate how dynamic our personal range of human existance really is.


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#70369 - 07/08/06 08:42 PM Re: Unclear..
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Cres
I too was abused at a young age,,,,and I was very confused,,,,,not everything is clear and easy,,,,the most important thing is to love and except yourself even if you are confused about your life and what it means.

Since you are here, Welcome friend.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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