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#70336 - 06/21/06 02:07 AM Not seen a therapist exactly but........
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
After the first round of childhood sexual abuse ended, I began to identify very strongly with being gay, so much so I started reading books and collecting info on challenges, issues, and problems young people newly coming out can face with friends, family, community, church, and own psyche. I read cases of youth going through Hell and back when they first realized they were gay and either tried to supress it or tried to come out. My parents were fairly religious and sent me to parochial school from nursery to 4th grade and 7th and 8th grades.

Any way, I said all this to state that alot of issues I now realize stemmed from the sexual abuse, I tacked onto the "trauma" of being a gay youth just coming out. SO, while I only told my sister(when she was almost a child herself) plus a few close friends along the way and haven't seen a therapist ever, I have spoken to anyone who would listen(my family, friends, teachers, etc) about all the issues and churning emotions inside of me I assumed was just me stuggling with my sexual identity like other gay youth, especially coming from somewhat strict Christian backgrounds.

I am not quite sure where this leaves me as far as comong to terms with the abuse as a lot of the resulting issues I resolved within myself by coming to terms with my homosexuality and that was a long involved struggle, let me tell you.

So that's my lil sharing for the day


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#70337 - 06/21/06 03:14 PM Re: Not seen a therapist exactly but........
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Most gay men in America today have no experience or first hand knowledge of CSA.
Those of us who are gay and who have experience CSA are sometimes unable to separate the two issues, as in "what came first, chicken or egg?" (was I abused because I was gay, or am I gay because I was abused).
I just want to share that, for me, these questions don't really apply to my experience. I now know that I have always been queer; and, I was abused only because an older man who cared nothing for me took advantage of our proximity for his selfish pleasures.
Am I going off track here? Your posting seemed to raise this issues, at least in my head, and so I have responsed this way. If I am way off base, please let us know.
Thanks for making me revisit this issue; it has helped in my own healing already.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70338 - 06/23/06 03:01 AM Re: Not seen a therapist exactly but........
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
HMMM, well I also feel that I have always been gay though I do feel the abuse altered the way my homosexuality manifested and asserted itself. I am actually quite content with being gay and I am gald you seemed to have come out of it with similar feelings.

I meant more in the post that looking back on it now I was sexually abused the first time round, then a period of nothingness then I was gay(not neccesarily gay and a MS). It was like I totally blocked the channel to the parts of my life where the abuse occured. I remember telling my sister something on a number of occasions relating to the abuse but have no idea what I exactly said. But what i meant was that if I suddenly felt rage or sorrow suddenly coming on, I channeled it into being some reaction maybe at God for making me gay, did not relate it at all to being a result of childhood abuse. Any other abuse that happened after the first round I just assumed that waht's being a gay youth must be about(I certainly don't share those sentiments now). If I felt sudden fear in certain situations or experienced sexual paralysis, i just assumed it was my Christian upbringing in conflict with my sexuality along with the anxiety of being labeled a "fag", again not even touching the fact I was sexually abused. So at the end of struggling with all that, I was able to start liking myself again a little bit and bagan to actually appreciate being gay. I guess having most of that resolved, the childhood sexaul abuse is now rebegging to be addressed. I guess I am saying I put all that emotion and turmoil and confusion into finally being able to fully accept and be proud of my homosexuality that I find myself searching what to give to the abuse issue. It feels like it died a zombie's death, not really dead and buried and resolved but walking around somewhere inside me like a living corpse almost totally devoid of all feeling. With all I can remember about the abuse now, I feel nothing, no emotion is conjured within me. I actually think this partly stopped me from being so vocal about it because I would give such a blase account of what transpired to the few friends I dared speak to about it, I know they did not know what to think.

So, I don't know exactly if I am to do something with that actively or just let it be and see what happens as I explore more on this site.


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