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#70288 - 06/15/06 04:09 PM My first time here!
Kennedy1969 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/15/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
This is my first time on the MS Discussion Board. I am a 36 year old black gay survivor of child sexual abuse. I have never dealt with my abuse on a professional level. I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with a therapist to help me. I am going through a very difficult time in my life right now. For the last three years I have been in a relationship, but I have not been faithful. I can't seem to stop cheating on my partner. I go through episodes of emotionally shutting down and completely cutting him off; putting up a wall of silence. I want to know that I am not alone in this battle that I go through everyday.


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#70289 - 06/15/06 04:29 PM Re: My first time here!
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by Kennedy1969:
I want to know that I am not alone in this battle that I go through everyday.
You aren't alone. Welcome aboard.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#70290 - 06/15/06 04:45 PM Re: My first time here!
Kennedy1969 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/15/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Thank you Nobbynobs. It feels good to know that there are other people who sincerely know what pain I go through each day.


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#70291 - 06/15/06 05:33 PM Re: My first time here!
TX_Space Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 163
Loc: Texas
Kennedy,
You are not alone! Welcome to MS.

tx_space


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#70292 - 06/15/06 05:35 PM Re: My first time here!
relaxingpiano Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/06
Posts: 53
Loc: Miami FL
You're not alone when it comes to shutting down as I do that more than I would like to.

Don

_________________________
Relaxing Piano Music from the Heart

http://www.donshetterly.com

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#70293 - 06/15/06 05:41 PM Re: My first time here!
Kennedy1969 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/15/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Don and tx_space thank you both for your replies. I never really knew that I had this problem of "shutting down" until I met my partner. I have no idea what triggers this problem, but I completely withdraw. He says that I am physically in the room, but he feels like he is completely by himself! It has caused a lot of grief in our relationship. I am in the process of scheduling my first appointment with a therapist. I really want to be able to deal with my issues/probelms.


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#70294 - 06/15/06 08:17 PM Re: My first time here!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kennedy,

You are definitely not alone, not in ANY of the issues you talk about.

I am so glad you will soon be seeing a therapist. That really is the best way forward. You may be quite frightened and mixed up as you walk through the door, but remember, the T's job is to help you, not judge you. The T will have heard it all before, and will recognize when you are uncomfortable and back off areas that you can't handle yet. It may also be that your T will not even bring up the issue of abuse for quite some time. I was terrified of that and wondered how I would cope, but when the time came and my T asked how was my childhood, I just said "I didn't have one" and poured it all out.

But the point is, the T will try to keep you safe and will recognize that this is the only way to help you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70295 - 06/15/06 08:46 PM Re: My first time here!
Kennedy1969 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/15/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Larry,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am looking forward to seeking professional help. I am so tired of feeling helpless and alone. It is strange to make this comment. I have a partner who loves me and supports me, but I still feel alone and suffering. I can imagine that there are many of us who feel this way. I am glad that I have the motivation to begin the first step of healing; seeking professional has become the most important step for me right now!


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#70296 - 06/15/06 08:58 PM Re: My first time here!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kennedy,

Again, you are in the right place. That feeling of being all alone and suffering, while at the same time you know you are loved and supported, is the source of so much agony and confusion to survivors.

There is a lot to say about this, but here's just a general thing to think about for the time being. Many of the issues in child abuse seem to make no sense at all, since they are all about very sensitive and painful emotions. It's difficult to resolve them using logical arguments, since, at the end of the day, what logic is there to the crime we are talking about: abusing and molesting an innocent defenseless child?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70297 - 06/15/06 10:39 PM Re: My first time here!
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Kennedy,

Welcome. I hope you find this to be a warm and safe place where you can find support in working through your issues. Sometimes working on one issue can bring up a host of other issues. I've found the discussion boards and chat room here to be valuable resources in my quest for healing. May they be the same for you.

Rabbit

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

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#70298 - 06/16/06 02:43 PM Re: My first time here!
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
I just want to add my welcoming words to those above.
Nothing I read in your post, Kennedy, sounds different or new; your issues have all been felt or shared by all the members here. I'm glad that you found us; congratulations on starting to make a T connection.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70299 - 06/16/06 03:51 PM Re: My first time here!
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
welcome mr k. glad you said hello to us!!!!!!!!

mj

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70300 - 06/20/06 12:42 AM Re: My first time here!
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
WOW, Kennedy, we share almost exactly the same vital statistics so you are DEFINITELY not alone. There are only two lovers who I can honestly say I showed up thru most of the relationship.

One who literally saved me is also a MS, older than me but also African-American and gay. We had a twelve year relationship but he had to leave my area to care for his sick parents. We just fed into each other so wonderfully. He was the only partner I truly with every fiber of my being believed when he said he loved me. I used to cry sometimes just being in his prescence. he patiently milked all of my emotions out of me and totally wired my connection to sex and vastly improved my sexual technique. Without him, I don't where I would be.

Keep Well


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#70301 - 06/20/06 01:54 AM Re: My first time here!
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
welcome Kennedy \:\)

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70302 - 06/20/06 05:39 AM Re: My first time here!
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Welcome, Kennedy. Glad you found us. We're here to help in any way we can. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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