This is my first time on the MS Discussion Board. I am a 36 year old black gay survivor of child sexual abuse. I have never dealt with my abuse on a professional level. I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with a therapist to help me. I am going through a very difficult time in my life right now. For the last three years I have been in a relationship, but I have not been faithful. I can't seem to stop cheating on my partner. I go through episodes of emotionally shutting down and completely cutting him off; putting up a wall of silence. I want to know that I am not alone in this battle that I go through everyday.

You aren't alone. Welcome aboard.

Thank you Nobbynobs. It feels good to know that there are other people who sincerely know what pain I go through each day.

Kennedy,
You are not alone! Welcome to MS.

tx_space

You're not alone when it comes to shutting down as I do that more than I would like to.

Don

Don and tx_space thank you both for your replies. I never really knew that I had this problem of "shutting down" until I met my partner. I have no idea what triggers this problem, but I completely withdraw. He says that I am physically in the room, but he feels like he is completely by himself! It has caused a lot of grief in our relationship. I am in the process of scheduling my first appointment with a therapist. I really want to be able to deal with my issues/probelms.

Kennedy,

You are definitely not alone, not in ANY of the issues you talk about.

I am so glad you will soon be seeing a therapist. That really is the best way forward. You may be quite frightened and mixed up as you walk through the door, but remember, the T's job is to help you, not judge you. The T will have heard it all before, and will recognize when you are uncomfortable and back off areas that you can't handle yet. It may also be that your T will not even bring up the issue of abuse for quite some time. I was terrified of that and wondered how I would cope, but when the time came and my T asked how was my childhood, I just said "I didn't have one" and poured it all out.

But the point is, the T will try to keep you safe and will recognize that this is the only way to help you.

Much love,
Larry

Larry,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am looking forward to seeking professional help. I am so tired of feeling helpless and alone. It is strange to make this comment. I have a partner who loves me and supports me, but I still feel alone and suffering. I can imagine that there are many of us who feel this way. I am glad that I have the motivation to begin the first step of healing; seeking professional has become the most important step for me right now!

Kennedy,

Again, you are in the right place. That feeling of being all alone and suffering, while at the same time you know you are loved and supported, is the source of so much agony and confusion to survivors.

There is a lot to say about this, but here's just a general thing to think about for the time being. Many of the issues in child abuse seem to make no sense at all, since they are all about very sensitive and painful emotions. It's difficult to resolve them using logical arguments, since, at the end of the day, what logic is there to the crime we are talking about: abusing and molesting an innocent defenseless child?

Much love,
Larry

Kennedy,

Welcome. I hope you find this to be a warm and safe place where you can find support in working through your issues. Sometimes working on one issue can bring up a host of other issues. I've found the discussion boards and chat room here to be valuable resources in my quest for healing. May they be the same for you.

Rabbit