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#70278 - 06/12/06 02:32 PM miserable
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
tired of healing - got to get out there

lonely as heck -

i seem to spin more and more - the intricasies of what i am - how I feel

and today just honesty -

at times I feel confident - at most of the time -

I am insecure -

I see these tall athletic guys - who are so confident and strong - and yeah - nice

I just wish I had gotten the upbringing that would have helped me be in that place

whatever -

I am trying to just be happy in myself and put myself out there - and learn as I go - take things I learn about myself - from each relationship

- have no expectation of being - ok the first times out there -

priorities may come clearer though - gosh I really like a sexy man - yikes I hope I find one with a kind heart -

anyway - so it goes

rather than hoping I will - might - see someone at the bar again -

I am going to get into situations to meet people

Although sex is great - I really need to develop relationships - rather than the sex stuff -

though - it will come up for sure -

and we'll hopefully handle it well

anyway - I have no idea - tired of living in hope

going to do some action things now -

so I can grow happy enough in myself to have a real relationship !

in some ways - I am so painfully raw inside and shy- and held back - but

enough study -

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70279 - 06/12/06 02:39 PM Re: miserable
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
it's funny - this whole morning as I grew to think about these things - I thought -

why do we have relationships?

and all I could think of is - to not be alone -

I am good at being alone -

and maybe that is the thing - to be able to be in a relationship - and still be myself -

not contort - or - bury my interests for the sake of his - but learn to be myself and share that time too -

sounds neat - and a new kind of thing -

it was pretty much - burying it all before -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70280 - 06/13/06 12:04 PM Re: miserable
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
mark

i hope you find what you are looking for. i know what you mean about all of this and i can relate completely, as usual.

be good, gentle and take care of yourself...don't give up anything just to be with someone, especially yourself!!!!

you are hugged,

john

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#70281 - 06/13/06 01:28 PM Re: miserable
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks hanginon -

i am discovering too - gosh the low low sense of self - i had - and have -

i went to the gym - and I guess i didn't realize how out of touch i was -

in the sense that - i uncovered something - how to be gentle

a guy at the gym said - don't kill yourself on the bike - that would be counterproductive

so i'm adjusting - in the sense -

to that - (very helpful concept that was) -

not going for the intense workout - but one - I am really up for -

in truth - i like stretching and getting the body moving and healthy -

but it was a slow gentle workout - and i felt great -

not depleted - not shocked

- I started to see how - much of the time

i see these guys - and feel - they are so perfect ... i am not -

but i realize to a certain degree we all have that

so the need to be gentle and around those who are gentle

it's neat too - just learning to be ok with myself

and not give to the other stuff -
and also learning to see and care about those - who seem intimidated - when i can't believe that they are too -

thanks john

my hug is so nice to get

thanks

a () for a good day for you.

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70282 - 06/14/06 04:10 PM Re: miserable
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Mark just want you to know that you really are great,,,,,,,,I mean it.

I wish I could visit and just spend sometime being your friend in person,,,,,,,,, but your friendship means a lot to me here.

Hugs Michael

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70283 - 06/14/06 07:40 PM Re: miserable
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Michael that's cool

thanks -

We can have a mini MS retreat!

\:\)

Mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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