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#70195 - 05/17/06 01:00 AM This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
one_day_at_a_time Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
To those who have been abused and are finding true love with another man, I truly respect you, not because I want that but because I could not imagine how difficult that must have been.

My story is currently this. I was focused on healing myself from my abused for almost one year and then I just acted out with some internet porn and then went crazy over gay sex. It really turned me on. I acted out with two men in my life. Most recently there was an older man who was very kind and gentle with me and we went to his house and had great sex. However, at the end there was a complete hole in me - I felt in terms of pleasure it was the most intense feeling I have ever had -however, it didnt feel right to me. I believe that this is a result of my abuse. I crave the love of men however it translates into sexual love in my mind and thus it is so powerful. Despite how much I realize this, I cant seem to control the urge to watch men and gay sex--I dont know what this means. Even right now Im thinkihg about it even though right now I also am in love with another woman. Its crazy-any opinions on similarities or differences in your struggles would be appreciated.

Thanks

ONE DAY

_________________________
I found God

now I just need to find myself

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#70196 - 05/17/06 05:47 AM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
ODAT:

I would like to respond from the perspective of someone who has not "defined" himself as one way or another. Actually, I don't think it's that important to be able to answer your questions or make observations.

I think that if you search back through many of the postings (especially those in the sexual identity forum), you may see a common thread with many other men.

There is a distinct difference between sexual behavior/fantasies and sexual orientation. IMHO, it sounds like your fantasies and two experiences are definitely related to your CSA. You have to remember that for many of us, the experiences that we had as children may have had sexual pleasure directly linked with the abuser giving us attention, affection and recognition. We then grow up tending to sexualize friendships and become stuck in the "blur" of boundaries.

We also (as human beings - not just survivors) tend to cling to the familiar even if it isn't the best thing for us.

What you are experiencing is very understandable and a "normal" (I hate using that term) reaction to the experiences that you had as a child. It is important that you make a commitment to discuss this with a Therapist and continue to get feedback from folks in this group. You will realize that you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination.

Most important of all, is to accept yourself as you are, keep an open mind, and don't be afraid of feelings and thoughts when they arise.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#70197 - 05/17/06 02:46 PM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
ODaaT,
Well, it seems to me that you have a disconnect between your brain and body .... not at all uncommon, I would assure you.
Physically, your chimes got rung thoroughly (or so it sounds in your post above) by the older, gentle man; but afterward, your brain decided that something was highly unsatisfactory (psychologically).
From my gay experience (Kinsey 5.2) I have to tell you sexual orientation is largely a question of "what makes your dick get harder, faster?".
However, the head is the most powerful sexual organ in the human male, and it trumps the below the belt stuff every time.
What's the answer in your case? Far beyond my capacity to express an opinion!!!
The suggestion above from SD is truly the best advice I can think of also. A good therapist is/can be the key to finding a calm, happy life(style). Things like this, unfortunately, are almost never simple and easy to figure out.
Be patient and gentle with yourself, and please keep us posted.
Much love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70198 - 05/17/06 10:19 PM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Hugs I hope you are doing well.

I understand the predicament.

be good to yourself, I just hope you are doing

ok with everything in your life.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#70199 - 05/28/06 02:55 AM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
TexasCowboy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 22
Loc: Houston, TX
Hello ODAAT,

You are not alone. Thousands of men feel something similar in their sexual encounters. Many of these men are married, or living some level of heterosexual life, many are not. You might want to consider how sexual encounters with women leave you feeling after it's over and examin both of these experiences. There's a chance that you'll find that feeling of emptiness after both encounters, which may mean something else entirely; such as:
1. Casual or recreational encounters are grafifying at the time but unfulilling after the fact.

2. Guilt from such recreational encounters.

3. Sexual intamacy versus emotional intimacy.

4. a lack of ability to validate sexual encounters and desires with commitment due to the disfranchisment most of feel, who are survivors of child sexual abuse.

Many men who identify themselves as heterosexual will occassionally seek quick, anynomous encounters where they can act out their desire to have sex with other men; however, it tends to be more physical contact and less intimate. (i.e., "screw me, perform fellatio on me, I may even perform fellatio on you, but don't kiss me, I'm not queer) I call it the Parris Island mentality, playing daily at the adult book store/movie theatre near you. It sounds like you have an undeniable attraction toward members of the same sex. However, that is not to say that you are exclusive to members of the same sex. Only you in time can answer that, and that comes from honesty within yourself. Most of all, don't be so hard on yourself. You are a beautiful person, worthy of love and trust. Never think any differently.

_________________________
The strongest hearts are sometimes broken,
As the deepest thoughts arent always soken,
and the greatest wounds we hide inside ourselves where they never show

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#70200 - 05/28/06 09:07 AM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
these responses are great

but i don't hear how people have resolved

the messed up feelings - how did it change -

how was there peace - did it work itself out -

or is there just that ever more - that issue

sex is such a pain - i almost feel as result

i am going to be alone forever -

i mean - to be the self sufficient person is one thing with money food and entertainment -

i just want to open up to being with someone

and have that memory in my life - of having a

healthy long term relationship

the sex part - just seems to be a nice icing on the cake part - though i like it -

it's a confusion - some prioritize the sex -

some prioritize the partnership - the devotion -

but the person - i want to see each day -

well.... that's how I want to wake up each day - from fuzzy to focus - .... that face

mmm - thanks for that - to write this -

i know what i want i think -

and i suppose - we can't have it all... ?

just as my partner won't have it all in me -
for him

?

sorry to hijack the post - this was on my mind it's going on 4am

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70201 - 05/28/06 09:20 AM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
and i guess to put this sans romantics it's rather how i want to survive

i guess that is my priority amd 'style' of it

*some can be don juan* or uber stallion

- that stuff for me - doesn't really keep

me 'on my target' or keep my perspective healthy either - especially if i am hoping for one thing
and doing ......

i have no idea - how to balance it practically -

i am trying the best i can -

so - call me on any of it - how it'll end up

i think though - i am coming to peace and an opinion of how i think about relations

and in terms of the ultimate goal...

i hope for the best! \:\)

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70202 - 05/30/06 02:10 AM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
TexasCowboy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 22
Loc: Houston, TX
Markgreyblue,
You are not alone as long as you come into this room and express what you feel in your heart. I know the hurt of unbearable loneliness and how much pain I wake up with each day. Sometimes I feel that I go through the motions of my job, returning home, sleeping, eating, and working to the point that I think my horses are the only creatures who keep me sane and make me feel loved.

While visiting New York to address the United Nations Mother Teresa of Calcutta lamented that after all of her years of devotion to those suffering in the Calcutta slums, she did not know the worst illness of all until she visited New York. Observing the people of Manhattan she commented that she now knew that the sickness of loneliness, isolation, and feeling unwanted, forgotten, and not loved were the worst illesses of all.

You infer that you have a partner, or at least that's what I percieved, then again you indicate that you are alone. If you are partnered, is she/he in touch with your feelings and emotions, and as important, are you in touch with hers/his to where you can share these unresolved conflicts? How about starting a group in Toronto for survivors of male sexual abuse, if there isn't one or two already there? You are fortunate to live in one of North America's most brilliant, open-minded and beautiful cities, for which you must feel blessed. Moreover, keep being brilliant, open-minded and the beautiful person that you are and each day look in the mirror and tell yourself "Mark, I am a beautiful, wonderful, special soul, full of gifts and worthy of love, peace, and joy. I know I am loved." Most of all, love yourself, and who you are and all the goodness that you are all about.

My love to you,
Gary
aka TexasCowboy

_________________________
The strongest hearts are sometimes broken,
As the deepest thoughts arent always soken,
and the greatest wounds we hide inside ourselves where they never show

Top
#70203 - 05/30/06 02:17 PM Re: This is a non gay post in need of a gay mans approach
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Gary - thanks for your very affirming note.
It's nice to be appreciated and reminded that
I am appreciatable \:\)

thanks & cheers to you mate!

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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