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#70120 - 04/17/06 09:39 AM Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
Timothy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/05
Posts: 23
Loc: Middle Earth
A few days ago I was so upset with having gay feelings that I desperately wanted to do something to punish myself for it.

I was at a swimming pool changing room when I noticed another man staring at me. I plucked up my courage and went up to him, something I


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#70121 - 04/17/06 12:38 PM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Timothy,

I guess everything I had to say I said on the previous thread you started on this subject. I can only reiterate that every man has to come to terms with his sexuality, whatever that may be, and that there is nothing wrong with being gay.

I hope you will seek some professional assistance on this issue, since it's clearly a matter of considerable agony to you. It's of course not a good idea to encourage somone else to commit felony assault on you, and it's a bad sign of what kind of place the pool is if something like this can go on for ten minutes without anyone in charge taking notice of it. Please do keep yourself safe.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70122 - 04/20/06 02:27 AM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Timothy:

I wanted to reiterate what Roadrunner said in his post to you.... please seek professional help (by all means continue to post here because we are here to support you also). It is important that you get the tools to learn to love yourself just as you are - whatever that may be.

I don't know if your attitudes are coming from a religious background or upbringing. If it is, you must remember that the majority of religions are centered around an all-loving God - no matter what they call this "higher power" or "supreme being". You also have to remember that we human beings always have a flood of thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. Just because I may be angry with a co-worker and fantasize destroying his career doesn't mean that I'm going to set out to actually do it.

THe important thing is to remember to be true to yourself. Don't judge yourself by society's standards - so what if you are gay? Does that make you less of a person? Does that make you less worthy or less loveable? You just happen to be attracted to other men. Unfortunately, in Western Culture, we like to put everyone in these nice little "boxes" and everyone has to fit into whatever the majority is. We tend to be afraid of what is "different" - be it skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or any one of a million things that makes us each unique.

But, I would suspect that you are wanting to punish yourself for more reasons than simple sexual orientation. I can't repeat it enough - you need to develop the ability to love yourself as you are - strengths and weaknesses, how you look, how you speak, your talents, your attractions.... the whole package.

Please keep writing here - feel free to PM me if you need to talk about anything. We're all here to help each other - my hope for you is that you can get the help so that you are good to yourself and that you don't feel so unworthy that you have to punish yourself.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#70123 - 04/21/06 02:36 AM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Timothy:
Roadrunner and Sophie's Dad are right on with their take on your post. Please get some professional help and stop hurting yourself.

Ken


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#70124 - 04/21/06 11:01 AM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Timothy,

Looking back at my post I hope I didn't give the impression that you shouldn't continue to discuss your problems here. I do hope you will continue and stay with us.

But the hard fact is that each of us is in charge of our own recovery. I think the vast majority of us need local support in the form of professional therapy and counselling in some form or another not because we are weak or inadequate, but because the crimes committed against us as children are so horrendous. It's up to us to admit we need this help and ask for it, regardless of how frightening and embarrassing it feels at first. I can assure you that I was an absolute emotional blob (I think I am stealing this vivid phrase from my friend Grunty) my first time with my T, but now I look forward to every session.

As you are getting into areas that are causing you personal harm and pose even greater risks for you, I really do hope you will take the big step and seek help. It really IS the only way forward; we just can't expect to deal with such issues on our own.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70125 - 04/22/06 04:18 PM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Oh, Timothy.
This extreme form of physical self abuse is really scary, exceptionally dangerous, and potentially fatal. You are so much better than this. You do NOT deserve such pain and humiliation.
God loves you, whatever your sexual "preference", and so do we at this site.
Immediate professional help is essential.
Praying for your safety,
Love, etc.

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#70126 - 04/25/06 05:45 AM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77



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#70127 - 05/02/06 06:22 AM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
Timothy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/05
Posts: 23
Loc: Middle Earth
Hey guys,

Thank you all for replying and showing your care & concern.

I do have rather strict religious beliefs (traditional Roman Catholic) and hence I feel a continuous agony over my beliefs and my sexual orientation.

I often feel that the world would be a purer and holier place had I never been born. I despair of ever making it to heaven.

Thanks again!!

Timothy


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#70128 - 05/02/06 08:26 AM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Timothy,

I think these fears of yours are misplaced, as I have said before. And certainly no interpretation of Roman Catholicism that I know of would want you to harm yourself or put yourself in danger because of these fears.

Some literature has been suggested to you. Have you had a look at any of it? You also ought to seek help from a therapist. Any progress there? We can and will continue to support you here, but for real progress the ball really is in your court. The hard reality is that only you can change things.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70129 - 05/04/06 11:07 AM Re: Why Did I Do It? Triggers!
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Timothy:

I'm glad to see that you are still here and posting. Without getting into a very long religious discussion, please suffice it to say that I was also raised Roman Catholic AND attended seminary for 6 years intending to become a priest (I ended up leaving because I realized that I would have been miserable in that vocation).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever you were taught about Roman Catholicism may not be 100% accurate. This church (as well as most other Christian-based religions) speaks of an all-loving God. Timothy - can you honestly believe that this kind of God would really reject or condemn you because of who you are?

In addition, you need to remember that we need to go through our lives and follow what we believe to be what is good and true in our own hearts. It's a little, but profound term called "free will". Getting into a mini history lesson, the Catholic church went through a major transition in the 60s called Vatican II. I hate to sound over-simplistic, but one of the most important things that came out from this movement was that the church moved from telling people in black and white what was right or wrong. Realizing that life is full of millions of shades of grey, the responsibility of conscience was placed back on the individual.

Timothy, the struggle that you are going through is one that millions of others have experienced. It's a deep and personal turmoil where you are discovering who you are at the very core.

Unfortunately, (and please understand that I am NOT a therapist), my feeling is that you are carrying tremendous guilt about your CSA into your adult life. What happened to you when you were young was a horrible, invasive, and twisted set of circumstances over which you had no control. Sexual abuse is about power - and that's why it is so damaging. Adults are the ones who are supposed to be guiding children.

When we are children, we look to adults to help shape us and guide us through the innocence of childhood into the independence of adult life. Psychologically, we learn the very basic concepts of love and acceptance from them. When those adults take advantage of this power, we can develop a warped sense of who we are and what is right and wrong. SA is even more damaging because the adult may make us feel accepted and loved and at the same time, fulfilling THEIR sexual needs at our expense. Can you imagine how devastating this is to a child to have to try and reconcile these two concepts? To put it in more simplistic terms, a child knows intuitively that what is happening is wrong, but at the same time, there are the good feelings of being supposedly accepted, showered with affection and attention. Now, how can an 8 or 9 year-old (or younger) kid have the experience and wisdom to sort thru these feelings?

So, many of us grow up continually punishing ourselves for things that were beyond our control. I know that, for me, I tend to not allow myself the luxury of doing fun things, socializing, and avoiding situations where I may have a good time. I struggle with this every day. I am lucky to have friends and family who remind me how important it is to enjoy myself. Perfect example: yesterday was my birthday. My boss had a long talk with me about the fact that I wasn't even going out to dinner to celebrate... my God, if I went out for a nice meal, I may actually enjoy myself!!!! This is the way that I "punish" myself.

Timothy, in your case, the "punishment" is even more severe to the point that you are hurting yourself and asking others to do the same. The core of this goes far beyond such a simple thing as your sexual orientation.

The reason that all of us are so strongly urging you to get a good therapist is because it will be this person who becomes a "mirror" who allows you to see yourself at the very deepest levels. A good T will help you to redefine yourself from an adult perspective and come to terms with those very basic concepts that had been wrongly defined when you were a child.

You are grown up, now and in charge of your own life. You DO have choices now, but may feel trapped by the experiences of the past. Do you really believe, in your heart, that an all-loving and all-accepting God would reject you? Do you really believe that your thoughts and desires would condemn you?

It's too simplistic to have it boil down to mere sexuality. As I said before (and I repeat it again) I think that your stuggle is on a much more deep and profound level - you don't seem to see yourself as a good person. That is where a T comes into the picture. When you learn to accept who you are and know that you are a good and decent human being, then you can start to accept the many things that define you including how you are as a sexual being.

I hope that I haven't sounded "preachy", Timothy. I said all of this because it hurts to see someone punishing himself so severely because of something that happened so long ago. You deserve better in life. Please continue to write and please find a good T - you can't lose.

DISCLAIMER TO THE GROUP IN GENERAL: I hope that I haven't offended anyone in the group by delving into a somewhat religious discussion, but I am simply trying to address Timothy's religious beliefs.

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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