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#70052 - 04/02/06 05:32 PM perhaps i am blatant
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
lately - my secret dreams of child hood are returning - it will seem counter to logic -

and maybe lately - i mean over this weekend -


toronto has been an adventure in learning -
i am not rejecting it - - but these thoughts ocurr to me - and so i write them as i think them -

as a day dream expressed but not explained -

---
i am thinking how much i would love to live in the country - quite like the town i grew up in -

i would love to live there with someone

and live peacefully - with the chance to just be -

woods - streams - seasons -

trees - wind rain - snow -

and fires -

but just be - mostly -
comfort of course is desireable too

so how does one - live happily?

in perhaps the ideal comfort zone?

it feels like where i belong -

i can teach myself and learn to be sophisticated -

but i'd rather be back in a little town -

but this time - safe -

m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70053 - 04/02/06 05:39 PM Re: perhaps i am blatant
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i've pretty much been hyper sensitive or overly tolerant -

i feel as though to achieve the dream of living - in the country - i would have to upset myself with working very difficult things -

and then be very bitter in the end - and not enjoy anything of the goal at all -
it

is the irritation inside - that i want to get past - so at least i am having some fun -

it seems though even putting words to my thoughts - in an effort to express them -

legalistically and free of attack -

i am killing my desire to just be spontaneous -

why am i so - incredibly touchy?
i guess i can't be happy or smiley always -

is it wrong to feel bitchy - and just want to feel some time and space to feel peaceful and good?

whatever - it's just a moment - perhaps by spewing all of this - i will come to a better understanding and workable wisdom -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70054 - 04/02/06 05:40 PM Re: perhaps i am blatant
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
for me

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70055 - 04/02/06 05:43 PM Re: perhaps i am blatant
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i do not want to seem a spoiled brat -

but it's like the underskin is brushed with steel wool -

- i can work hard and get into it -
right now - though - i can also get into a place -
where i am like a dainty hissing cat - who doesn't want his perch in the warm sun disturbed -
that's me sometimes -

sorry! i don't really like it either -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70056 - 04/02/06 05:48 PM Re: perhaps i am blatant
johnsurvived Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia
Mark, a powerful post. Your dreams are worthy, your desires attainable, if it is what you truly want -- and I sense some ambiguity of feeling in your post over whether this is a 'heart's desire' kind of thing or just a strong, impulsive idea to uproot and move on to a bucolic setting. So, even if it seems like putting words to thoughts kills your spontaneity, the more things we can put into words (or images), the more things we can know and understand, and act upon. I find it is helpful for me when I put my vaguer impulses into words -- it is a great help in sorting out whether it's something I truly need to do, or not.....

Hugs,
John

_________________________
Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

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#70057 - 04/02/06 05:49 PM Re: perhaps i am blatant
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks John.

peace.

I really appreciate your insight and comment.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70058 - 04/02/06 05:51 PM Re: perhaps i am blatant
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Could you perhaps write down the pros and cons of living in Toronto and living in a small town, and then compare? One thing to watch out for is attributing to a big city problems you might encounter anywhere. Small towns can of course be very frustrating in all sorts of ways. And how many evenings per year, if you lived out in the countryside, would you be sitting around a fire?

Also, are there ways you could have the best of both worlds? How much commuting would you be willing to tolerate in order to have a more rural environment? From what I remember of Toronto the city itself is spread over a huge area, but then beyond that it quickly becomes very rural. But still, if you have to work centrally down you could end up spending a LOT of time on trains and buses.

Another option. You have been decorating a lot in your flat; how about decorating a bit more with things that make your flat feel like the sort of rural home you think of.

Just some ideas.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#70059 - 04/03/06 04:51 AM Re: perhaps i am blatant
Steven Heath Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/06
Posts: 81
Loc: New York City
Mark,
I read your post here and was nodding my head through so much of it.....then i got to this part....."and just want to feel some time and space to feel peaceful and good"....it made me cry.....and i realized that sometimes between the racing life and racing thoughts that dscribe my being.....that this is exactly what i would like to feel as well....i just never have allowed myself to stop for a moment and form this as a thought in my head....thank you....steve


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#70060 - 04/03/06 11:50 AM Re: perhaps i am blatant
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
you are welcome Steve -

I am sorry for your pain .

Peace-
Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#70061 - 04/03/06 11:51 AM Re: perhaps i am blatant
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sorry for your hurting -

I meant to say -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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