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#69945 - 03/03/06 12:13 AM Advice would be helpful
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
There is a family wedding this coming Saturday, and I had planned to attend the affair. I just found out 2 days before the event that the person who molested me will be there as well. In the past I trembled when I knew I would be in his presence. He on the other hand never let me down; this asshole would always make a comment like “OH aren’t you married yet? This may sound like nothing, however he knows that he pounded time after time into my brain that I would grow up gay and only liking men. He instructed me to always be as he put it “the doer.” His smirk associated with his wise comments usually leaves me shaking in my boots. Believe it or not I am a very strong person otherwise! So, any suggestions on how I should handle this? Should I skip the wedding? What compounds the problem for me is that I was injured 16 years ago and ended up with a disorder that set me in a wheelchair for the last few years. (I am recovering nicely, and may have the use of my legs back in A SHORT WHILE)

I’m already shaking in writing this message…DAM IT WHY DOES HE HAVE THIS STRONG HOLD OVER ME! I just wish I could get past this feeling as if he could conquer me at any time. I think the fact that he also would remind me as a kid how strong he was (he was very muscular and worked out a lot) and that if I were to ever divulge our secret he would come back to take care of me. I realize this all has something to do with my weakness with him. How can I over come this is what I want to figure out. Any suggestions would be most appreciated! I realize this is short notice so who ever has an idea respond as soon as you can.

Hey, thanks everyone. I hope everyone is doing better today and that tomorrow is an even brighter day than today!

Warmest Wishes,

_________________________
Eddie

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#69946 - 03/03/06 02:25 AM Re: Advice would be helpful
johnsurvived Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia
Eddie,
Quote:
Should I skip the wedding?
Quote:
I’m already shaking in writing this message…DAM IT WHY DOES HE HAVE THIS STRONG HOLD OVER ME! I just wish I could get past this feeling as if he could conquer me at any time.
My own belief is that I am getting past that feeling that my abuser could conquer me at any time by taking control of my ability to shut him out of my life until I am ready to face him ON MY TERMS. I know what it means to miss family functions to avoid the abuser; I missed my parents' 50th wedding anniversary last September for precisely this reason. I very much empathize with the fact that you're shaking, and would, since you ask for advice, advise you to listen to your body, and your feelings on this one, and leave "logic" out of it for a bit.

Warm regards by return of post,
John

_________________________
Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

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#69947 - 03/03/06 03:04 AM Re: Advice would be helpful
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Thanks John for your advice and for sharing yourself and what happen to you. I asked for advice for I really don't know how to handle this situation. I appreciate your input and will take it to heart upon making my decision. I think I will wait to the very last hour before deciding one way or another. This has happened in the past. Funny you should mention your parents 50th wedding anniversary for it was the one event I missed due to the same reasoning. Yet I have attended other affairs telling myself I wouldn't allow him to control my life. I was so desperate at one point that I even considered hiring an escort to accompany me, but chose to appear by myself. Fortunately the "asshole" never made it to this particular affair.

Nevertheless, thanks a lot for responding!
Take care friend,
Ed

_________________________
Eddie

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#69948 - 03/04/06 12:10 AM Re: Advice would be helpful
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
I am dumbfounded, John. I, too, missed my parents' 50th wedding anniversary two years ago for the same reason. My parents knew what happened and asked me first since everyone in my family is estranged because of me being gay. I agreed because I love and respect my parents and would do anything to show them, but as the date approached, I got more regular crying spells all focused around the vision of me on a cruise with my brother.

I didn't go because my T finally told me I didn't have to go. It broke my parents hearts...and mine. But fast forward two years and my brother ended up in DC and I met him and had dinner with him and FINALLY confronted him. I told him he denied me that trip. I cried, it was over. He's still a jerk, but I did it on MY terms and got past it.

TRUST YOURSELF - if you are not ready, don't force yourself. My parents understood, fortunately, but we've yet to do anything special to celebrate. That's another chapter.

John, your post made me do a double take!


Best,
John

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#69949 - 03/08/06 10:16 PM Re: Advice would be helpful
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Well I skipped the wedding. It feels as though my abuser has won another victory in this battle that I am involved in. I waited until a few hours before the wedding to make my final decision, however it was decided upon the day before.

I considered what John wrote me in his posted message (which I thank him for) and considered the circumstances. I decided to sit this event out. Why go through all the hellish torture of literally “shaking in my boots” and just hoping I would have the right words to say should he be sarcastic about anything to do with my sexuality. What is sad is that it is yet another event he has triumphed by my staying away. Why can’t I stand up to him? I am no longer a child who must obey but a man with opinions and choices that I choose or decide upon. Why is it that this jerk can make me stop dead in my tracks, and fear to move another muscle? What will it take to get past this? I have tried confronting him, first in a letter describing the abuse I suffered and how he took advantage of a little boy who knew nothing else but love and respect! Followed up with meeting with him in person; I spoke of the abuse and described how detrimental his actions were. He looked at me and with that dam grin asked, “Will I have to hear about this the rest of my life? The past is the past, so let it be.” I told him that it was easy for him to brush it aside being he was the abuser; I on the other hand was the VICTIM. The conversation went south from there, I got no where with him that day. This brings us to the here and now. He made several attempts in the last year to visit me alone. I absolutely refused such a visit! Why can’t I confront him at this point in my life and tell him how I hated what he did to me?

Has anyone other than John experienced the same? How did you handle the matter. I look forward to your thoughts ann

_________________________
Eddie

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#69950 - 03/09/06 06:14 PM Re: Advice would be helpful
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

I would not look back on the wedding and get down on yourself. You did what was best for you at that time.

When you say that you can't stand up to your abuser, you are basically admitting that what he did still has a lot of power over you. There is no shame in that; you will find that many guys here feel the same way.

As you become stronger and gain in confidence, you won't feel endangered by him in the same way. You can also look back and feel proud that you confronted him both in writing and in person.

What's enraging is that he is such a smug bastard, even now. How long ago was the abuse, and how old was the abuser at the time? If it lies within the statute of limitations in NJ, there is one good way to wipe that smug look off his face REALLY fast!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#69951 - 03/11/06 04:06 PM Re: Advice would be helpful
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Thanks Larry for your input and generously kind words. I will have to discover how to deal with this jerk when he does smirk or make asinine comments.
The abuser was somewhere between 17 and 20 years of age, where I was about 5. This happened well over 30 years ago. I did at one point check out the law regarding the statute of limitations and they have long expired. His smug, cavalier attitude is what I think bothers me most. I want to face my abuser one day strong and confident proving to him and myself that he no longer has the power to control me. The problem is reaching such a destination!

Thanks again I really take all the posts to heart! In the little time I have been here I have found a great deal of comfort knowing there are other guys out there who actually think and feel like myself. Throughout all these years I have honestly felt all alone. In therapy I was lead to believe that the majority of those who were abused turn out to be heterosexual guys who are very sexually active. This is not to say my therapist wasn’t very helpful for he was great! I always felt if I were gay that it must mean I lead the abuser to believe I was available in some sort of way. It is just an issue I had to work out within. Knowing I am not alone has helped me a great deal!

Thanks again. I only hope I am able to offer comfort and sincere words like I have received.

Take care

_________________________
Eddie

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#69952 - 03/11/06 04:54 PM Re: Advice would be helpful
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Just a quick note on the statute of limitations. It varies from state to state, and in some states it varies depending on whether the case is a civil or criminal one. Did you check to see if there is such a distinction in NJ?

In some states, I think, the limit for sexual abuse is a separate matter entirely: for example, age of abuse or age 18, whichever is later, plus 30 years. So hypothetically a victim in such a case could have until age 48 to file a civil suit.

I'm not saying that's possible for you, or even the best thing for you. I do think a survivor's first priority should be his own healing. But you might want to check it out.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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