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#69935 - 02/28/06 10:37 PM new here / need help
serb guy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 7
Loc: Long Beach, CA
Hello Everyone:

This is my first post. I am a survivor and I am 40 years old. I have been hiding my abuse from my mother and protecting her from the fact that I was abused by a trusted family friend when I was 10 to 12 years old. I just came out and told her and my family about three weeks ago. It has been really rough. Also I was in a relationship with another survivor that just ended which devistated me and I think that the pain of that loss finally forced me to tell my mother about what happened to me 30 years ago. I am in a very dark place emotinally right now and I am totally lost. I am wondering if any of you pro-survivors out there know if any support groups for gay men in the Los Angeles or Long Beach Ca area. I need to find a support group badly. Thanks for your help.

_________________________
Serb Guy

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#69936 - 03/01/06 01:41 AM Re: new here / need help
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Hi Guy,

Unfortunately I personally don't know of any support groups either on the west or East coast where I live.

Your posted message caught my immediate attention and brought me back to the day I revealed my secret, and the reaction I received. I anticipated a rush of love and support, instead I was faced with fear, inability to trust what was said to be true, and the knowledge that what was most important for the person I just confided in was that I didnít have homosexual ideations at the present time. Well, I found this to be extremely upsetting for the one I loved and trusted to support me could not only not handle the truth but found it most important to ask if had feelings for men opposed to women. Now, in my early 40's I realize this was a serious revelation, and this individual needed time to overcome and digest what she just learned to be factual. She reacted the only way she knew how to.

So Guy, what I'm trying to convey here is that everyone needs time to accept that molestation occurred within their own family. Revealing this tragic truth was a colossal step forward on your part; it is also was an enormous shock for your family members who were just learning of this deep dark secret. Every individual needs time to absorb this truth and come to accept what happened. Perhaps there is a feeling of guilt, fault and even blame, mixed in with unnerved feelings combined with the fact that no one was able to protect you may be running ramped in the minds of your loved ones. Sometimes this news is just overwhelming for the one person you thought you could finally trust. This doesn't mean that you were wrong...it is an indication that surviving such a horrible tragedy takes time not only for the victim but for their loved ones as well!

Guy I can only offer you my support and encourage you to find whatever help you feel you need. Your a courageous soul who has such strength and fortitude for surviving molestation.

PLEASE GUY, should you feel despondent don't hesitate to seek counseling it is so helpful to be able to turn to someone and express this nightmare that lives within. The therapist will be there to help guide you through a journey of healing and hopefully you will be a willing participant to go down this difficult path.

I am willing to talk with you on a one to one basis but please understand I am not a professional who really knows how to guide you. I am willing to be there as a friend. Most of all I have found such extreme comfort by coming to this place and sharing my tragedy with others who have experienced the same. Wow, I feel almost human knowing there is nothing abnormal with me feeling all that I do. I even am beginning to believe it will be OK even if I am gay. This was a huge step for me to even consider, a battle I have endured for the last 30 some odd years.

I hope my message is helpful for you Guy. Best wishes to you! I applaud your intensity and bravery and encourage you to forge ahead. Your family will perhaps need time to devour what you told them, and then hopefully they will come around and be compassionate and understanding.

So Guy, what I hope to have conveyed was that everyone needs time to accept that molestation occurred within their own family. Perhaps there is a mixed bag of emotions that are being dealt with; feelings of guilt that no one was there to protect you, fault and blame follow hand in hand. Sometimes this news is too devastating for the one person you thought you could finally trust. This doesn't mean that you were wrong...it is an indication that surviving such a horrible tragedy takes time, not only for the victim but for their loved ones as well!

Guy I can only offer you my support and encourage you to find whatever help you feel you need. Your a courageous soul who has such strength and fortitude for surviving molestation.

PLEASE GUY, should you feel despondent don't hesitate to seek counseling it is so helpful to be able to turn to someone and express this nightmare that lives within. The therapist will be there to help guide you through a journey of healing, hopefully you will be a willing participant to go down this difficult path.

I am willing to talk with you on a one to one basis but please understand I am not a professional who may be more capable to help you. I am willing to be there as a friend. Most of all I have found such extreme comfort by coming to this place the Male Survivorís Discussion Board, sharing my tragedy with others who have experienced the same. Wow, I sense I am human knowing there is nothing abnormal with my feelings and all that I do. I have even come to believe it will be OK if I am gay. This was a huge step for me to even consider, a battle I have endured for the last 30 some odd years.

I hope my message is beneficial for you Guy. Best wishes to you! Once more I applaud your passion and bravery and encourage you to forge ahead. Your family will perhaps need time to devour what you told them, and then hopefully they will come around and be supportive of anything you do.

Best Regards,

_________________________
Eddie

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#69937 - 03/01/06 01:59 AM Re: new here / need help
serb guy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 7
Loc: Long Beach, CA
Eddie:

Thanks for the nice reply and I really appreciate your kind words and you taking the time to respond. It is sad to me that with Coda, AA, ACA, etc, there are not programs around for survivors like us. I am seeing a therapist and he is an expert with survivors and he is very well known here in LA. He had told me about this site and told me to sign on here and ask around about a group, because he is unaware of one here in LA or in the surrounding areas.

My family is having a hard time dealing with this now because it came up at a bad time for them. My oldest sister is dying of cancer right now and so this has been very hard for them to deal with along with that issue. My mother is doing her best to be supportive, but she is also doing her best to avoid the issue and focus on my sister's cancer which I can understand.

My trigger that finally brough this out in the open with my family is that I was involved in a realtionship with a younger man that is also an a sexual abuse survivor who was subjected to far worse abuse that I was. He and I really love each other but he decided to leave me to go back to his ex lover that he has been in a sick relationship with on and off for 9 years. It was a very hard decision for him and he left me to go back and do it at a really bad time in my life, so his leaving brought up all sorts of things in me and I was finally forced to tell my family about my sexual abuse.

My hope was to find a local support group that I could go to and identify with other men who are also survivors, but I guess that I may have to give up that hope as it seems like no group is available here in LA at this time?

I appreciate that you took the time for me and I appreciate you extending your hand to me.

Thanks.

_________________________
Serb Guy

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#69938 - 03/01/06 05:37 AM Re: new here / need help
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Serb Guy;

There is no need to thank me. I was most sincere when I extended ďan earĒ to listen or just someone to talk to. I know in my 20's when I tried to deal with my abuse I first turned to a therapist. He in turn suggested the same thing your therapist advised; we came across the same obstacles. All I found was support groups for abused women. I gave up on the idea I would be able to share my thoughts and feelings with other male survivors until I recently found this site. It was such a dramatic change to finally find other men willing to share their experiences; I no longer feel alone. My biggest issue was allowing myself to figure out who I was. I always felt an attraction toward men, however I related that to my abuser repeatedly telling me for years I would grow up only loving and wanting men. This was drummed into me from the age of 5. So for me to admit I was gay meant he won and I lost a senseless battle I had been struggling with for years.

I am so deeply sorry to hear about your sister. Is there any chance they can kill the cancer and it go into remission? My pop died of cancer over 2 years ago. He was diagnosed with a throat cancer at first, which lead into them finding he had Leukemia.

I absolutely realize this is a very difficult time in your family's life, however please don't short change yourself. What was done to you was wrong, and getting it out in the open only helps you to deal with the past. I'm so sorry to learn that your relationship came to an end. You sound like such a wonderful guy. Sometimes we are abused so badly we think we deserve no happiness, and therefore return to a relationship that is unhealthy. It appears your ex may be dealing with huge issues of his own. It sounds like he doesn't value himself a great deal. You probably were there for him willing to help him through those bad years, and he may have felt unworthy of your love and support. So, he turned back to an unhealthy relationship in a way maybe to punish himself. I am only speculating here.

Please always feel free to call on me should you want to talk or share whatever it may be. I know how you are feeling minus the broken relationship. I never allowed myself any form of relationship throughout the years.

Well best to you. Stay strong friend!

_________________________
Eddie

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#69939 - 03/01/06 06:38 PM Re: new here / need help
serb guy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 7
Loc: Long Beach, CA
Eddie:

Thanks again for the reply. My sister has liver cancer and there is little hope for her to recover. My ex does have a lot of issues that all survivors face and he has not had any adult therapy for those issues which is why he keeps running back to that sick relationship. He has not had any professional help since he was a little boy when his molestation happened to him. He does not want to deal with it either. It breaks my heart. I am very lost and sad without him because for the most part our relationship was good. We were both dealing with some communication stuff and some fear stuff, but it was all workable. The problem was that he has not let go of his ex and all of the drama in that relationship and he had to make a choice between me and the other guy, and after four days of sheer hell for me while I was waiting, he picked him.

At first he told me that I was never gonna see him again after he ended it with me, but last Friday he showed up at my house with some excuse about missing my dogs and I know that it was that he really misses me. So I am in a tough spot right now all the way around because I have hope in my heart that he will change his mind, its a very tought situation to be dealing with along with telling my family about my sexual abuse and my sister's health.

Thanks again!

_________________________
Serb Guy

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#69940 - 03/01/06 06:49 PM Re: new here / need help
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Serb Guy,

Although I don't live anywhere close to LA (see below!!!), I can't imagine that there are no support groups for gay survivors in your area.

One way to find one might be to contact a therapist in LA who deals with abuse issues and see if they can refer you. A physician might also be able to help. Isn't there a gay resource center in LA? They might know as well.

I can see you are going through some really rough times at the moment. I hope Male Survivor can help you. There is a great group of caring brothers here - both gay and straight - and I know you will find a lot of support here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#69941 - 03/02/06 12:04 AM Re: new here / need help
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Serb Guy, my heart goes out to you. I am truly and sincerely sorry to hear that your sister's cancer is at such a stage as it is. I will say a prayer for her that despite what happens in the future that it will be as painless as possible. As for you and your family hold on to your faith for it will help you during this rough road you all are traveling on.

As for your ex, I can sympathize with him and feel such sorrow for you and him. Although it is not similar I had met an older man through a book store visit; we met several times for the purpose of only making love. He was so very patient and kind with me, and wanted to take our "relationship" further. The very moment he suggested this I panicked and ran in the opposite direction. Your ex seems to be in deep pain & denial trying to push his abusive years behind him, however as Larry mentioned you need to seek professional help before one can work out all issues related to molestation. My whole life I ran, and when I got very close in therapy I ended the one thing that was helping me most. I just didn't want to admit to myself who I was. I wouldnít allow the asshole who robbed my innocence to win again! I never felt worthy of any individualís love.

As Larry pointed out, here at Male Survivor you can at least share your feelings amongst other men who have endured the same tragic pain associated with molestation. No one ever gets over such a trauma by hiding it under a bed or ignoring the pain that is deep within our heart and soul. Sharing your feelings in such a safe environment as Male Survivor has helped me to take a step back to collect my thoughts, and then proceed toward the future working out the remaining issues that stop me from having any kind of a relationship. Here at this site you can express your inner most philosophy and do it without fear of it coming back to haunt you. Trust is a very important key in allowing oneís self to tear down the walls that protect us from getting hurt again. Your ex appears to continue to want to hurt himself emotionally, and this is most obvious when he returned to an abusive relationship opposed to remaining in a safe zone. At this point all you can do is sit back and hope he comes to his senses. He must make that first crucial step toward the future by contacting a therapist who can help him get beyond the past.

Perhaps your ex needs a little space right now. What is sad is that this is the time you need his love and support, and he is not there. (Actually he needs your love and affection as well but instead he runs away before turning to the one person he can confide and trust.) You are intelligent enough to realize this is not because he doesn't love you, quite the opposite is true. Your ex appears to return to a darker side of his life as a way to deal with his fears. Personally, I learned how to open that door standing strong, but this would last for only a brief time. As I stand there I shiver within; I revert back to that little boy whose innocents was robbed due to the molesterís low self esteem. I want to be able to open that door one day and not be afraid; I want to confront my molester head on and let him know he no longer has a hold on me. I believe this to be true for your ex as well, however he doesnít know how to make the important first step, and that is admit he needs help.

I hope my words are not annoying but helpful. My best regards to you and all of those here at the Male Survivor group. Call on me if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a set of ears that listen.
Best Wishes Friend,

_________________________
Eddie

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#69942 - 03/02/06 09:52 PM Re: new here / need help
serb guy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 7
Loc: Long Beach, CA
Eddie:

Your words have calmed me and soothed my heart. I am crying as I type this reply because your are so right about so many things about what you said. I do hope that one day he will understand that he keeps hurting himslef over and over, and then he will be able to face his demons and get some help. I told him that I would go to therapy with him, even just to hold his hand while he talked but he said NO! He is not ready and it is too easy and safe for him to run back to that sad shell of a relationship and so that is what he did. He knew if he had stayed with me he would have had to face this stuff head on so we could try and have a happy and healthy life together, but he is not ready.

I am letting him make the contact and I am giving him as much space and I can and if he ever decideds to come back one day and I am available to him, I will try to see if he will trust me enough to guide him toward some help. I still have a lot of healing to do myself with all of this, but at least I am headed in the right direction. I am very sad that he chose to head backwards, but it is his life. I still love him deeply, and he knows that because I told him what was inside my heart, now I have to just let him go and do what he has to do, and see what happens in the future. I am so sad for us both because we really do love each other, but two men being controlled by two little boys on the inside who were BOTH sexually abused are doomed unless they are both willing to face up to it and get some help.

Thanks again for your kindness and love.

Rod

_________________________
Serb Guy

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#69943 - 03/12/06 02:53 AM Re: new here / need help
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Hi Rod;

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I re -read your last thread and my heart really went out to you. Man, you have been through a rough period, and I hope with time your ex will realize the love he is missing out on. Now, my dear friend is the time to take care of yourself. I would only hope there are other nice guys waiting out there. Sometimes I fear that when I finally come to grips with being gay myself that I'll never find my soul mate out there. Today, probably like yesterday, too many guys are out for one night stands and just sexual encounters. I yearn for so much more. I want to love and be loved, respect and be respected. Sometimes I fear I will love too much and smother my soul mate with too much love and affection. Nevertheless just thought I would check up on you and see how you are doing.

Best to you friend

_________________________
Eddie

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#69944 - 03/13/06 04:29 AM Re: new here / need help
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
Rod,

I can certainly relate to being in a dark place. I didn't have full recollection of my abuse until about 2001. I'm still here; a little wiser now, perhaps, than when I started. It's by no means over, though. I'm not really sure I expect it to be really over; just something that I end up learning to live with.

All I can do is be true to myself and live my life the best way I know how, at the time. I suppose I am starting to have some acceptance of what happened and where it's left me.

I'm glad you found the group in LA.

Best,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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