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#69590 - 01/03/06 02:15 AM Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
I just saw "Brokeback Mountain" - it is a well made film, important as they claim.

I need to reflect on the isolation I felt in both characters and relating to the hot, passionately desparate scenes - they reminded me of two men in my life, both now a part of a past. to my dismay, i might add.

The film triggered my romantic side (ah, to have a love that intense) and the pessimist in me (alas, there is no hope for two men in a homophobic society, even in wyoming - or especially there).

At once, those intense lovers who always seemed like "the one who got away" or "the one" were reduced to being the least prepared for intimacy in the first place.

why do we/i keep trying to make people into what we/i want them to be, instead of letting them be who they really are?

i guess i am needy, men. and lonely and isolated. ironically, my usual "acting out" has reverted into complete sexual anorexia. I hide from other gay men now. How strange is this?

My rambling head tonight in a lonely sad reality of the gay world.

John

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#69591 - 01/03/06 03:24 AM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
Dominic Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 43
Loc: Dallas
Hi John,

Interesting thoughts all of which are valid.

I have strugled with similar thoughts quite frequently. I have been known (in the past) to try and make more out of a man that I was dating, when in all actuality he was only to be there for a temporary time. It was like I so bad wanted to be loved by another man and want that passion. I just finished dehooking myself from a guy that my best friend and I called captain hook.

We called him that because when we first met, he was such a nice man. He told me things that I always wanted to hear from a man. he was very attentive, sweet, caring, considerate etc. But it was not long at all about 2 weeks after we met he began getting very distant. I asked him about it a couple of different times and he would not really respond. I fell for him very quickly and wanted more but he was not willing to give more. I finally just accepted it and moved on.

When I get in situations like the one I described I always look back at my intent and desire. I usually find the same thing when I do that. I find that I am looking for that love and acceptance from another person, from outside of me. Instead of loving and accepting myself I want it to be from another person. When I realize this it always makes me take a step back and refocus myself.

Regarding your hiding and sexual anorexia... I have experienced the same thing. There have been times that I have gone years without having sex. Over the last year or so I have only gone months. I have a lot of fear about being sexual with another man, because it was a man that abused me. So I am working thru that fear trying to release it and be more sexual. I am finding that it takes a lot for me to be sexual with another man. But it is slowly getting easier. For me it was much harder to hide from the fear than it has been to "face" it and begin to have sex. But I do believe that the more I allow myself to have sex with another man the less the fear, anxiety will be present. Essentially for me the more I see that I do have a say in my sexual expression and I am not a victim the easier it becomes.

My sexual experiences have been far and few between and full of fear, panic and anxiety. I think that it is a normal response to our trauma, but I also believe that we can work thru it in time. Hell I am doing, but trying very hard to be easy on myself and not judge myself. Intent to change is how I have got started and set the wheels in motion for me.

Dominic

_________________________
Dominic

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#69592 - 01/03/06 11:45 AM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
John -

We all have need - and that is the tragedy today is that it is seen as not allowable - when it is what we all have -

It is knowing your need though - and how to cope or manage it productively and not be a victim of it? Like so you don't have it prevent you from keeping the men in your life that you really want to keep -

coping mechanisms -

or thinking on them -

it's not easy at all - right now - I am getting so many mixed messages - I am a jumbly mess -
and I too have pushed people away too

but I am trying to keep a focus on not being victim of my need rather seeking out the consistent people in my life - who
make me feel ok - and safe - and good -

- go easy on your self - LET yourself evolve -
and realize that among gay men - there are different kinds - and maybe just learn to value
the ones that make you feel ok about you -
you might be surprised! you're a nice guy John.

It's so good again you're reaching out.

I am really proud of You.

This is a real sign of strength John
\:\)

Remember - the strong ones get help!


Keep reaching out!

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#69593 - 01/03/06 05:54 PM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Quote:
Originally posted by markgreyblue:
- go easy on your self - LET yourself evolve
Evolution. This is an interesting concept - certainly not new, but interesting.

I am starting my own process of evolution and I'm finding, in my particular case, that semi-intelligent design is required. I say semi-intelligent because given my past history I don't think I qualify as completely intelligent :rolleyes: ;\)

A big part of the design, apart from discovering where I'm starting from, is determining where I want to be five, ten, even twenty years down the road, and figuring out what I need to do to get there, and who can help me along the way.

Finding someone to share my life with is a major concern for me, if not an immediate concern. My inability to set proper boundaries will make this a most difficult process, one I'm eager - but somewhat frightened - to begin. I know I have a lot of work before I can do so safely.

PS- sorry for hijacking the thread- I can ask to have it moved if you prefer -D

[edited for the blasted notification and the PS]


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#69594 - 01/04/06 12:41 AM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
It really is about this country's homphobia, that is making me most crazy right now, I think. Thank you guys for responding, helping.

I have the fortune to have lived abroad for several years, and I lived in Spain during the Socialist (pre-Aznar, 1995) regime under which Almodovar and the "Movida Madrilen~a" happened - it was a post-Franco euphoria. Madrid/Spain are now the #2 country in Europe to adopt gay marriage.

What I experienced in that country is difficult to describe, but it was not "tolerance" but real inclusion into all aspects of society and with little scandal for being gay.

I have been back in the US for 10 years; I went through total culture shock in 1995 and slowly have allowed my life to become very remote from human contact.

In DC, I felt that the gays are very uptight (well, after Madrid...anyplace would seem that way). Baltimore is a hard place to meet and I have become reclusive.

Every friend I have made in Baltimore is a survivor of sexual abuse as a child. Many were/are involved with hard drugs and I saved myself from that dispair.

I am an oddity and I very much feel like an ugly duckling on a family level (FOO) and culturally, at least on the east coast I have NYC and other metropolitan areas. Regardless, it's very difficult to feel "safe" in this country, now more than ever.

Should I return to Spain and abandon ship, or try to make a difference in this country?

Big question!

Thanks for your help, guys.

A special thanks to markgreyblue. Happy 2006!

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#69595 - 01/04/06 07:23 AM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
Dominic Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 43
Loc: Dallas
I think that whatever helps you to feel safe and to facilitate a recovery is what you should do. There is a fine line between what i just said and from running. This is something I struggle with daily. I have thought a lot about moving out of the country for the same reasons you describe but for me every time I wanted to do that I was stressed about some aspect of my recovery and wanting to run. I by no means am saying that is what you are doing, I am just saying to understand the situation as a whole and make the best decision for you. Ultimately I believe hat whatever decision you make will be the right decision at that time.

_________________________
Dominic

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#69596 - 01/04/06 08:25 AM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
can I just offer an insight into the northeast american seaboard and maybe morth american -

it's an older part of society that socially is VERY closed - until you have proven yourself for a while -

so I have found -

Did Spain promote a healthy sense of self for you?
Or did it mask a problem?

why did you leave?

think of criterion you are basing stuff on -

I hope you will be where it is nicest for you -
in all senses - for your work life -
for your social life -

where you might have a network already -
donig it all over again - is very hard -
but can be rewarding -

I mean - I also hope that if you were to go back to Spain - You would know that it wouldn't be the same Spain 11 years that you left ago---

is the job thing still possible?

It might take you to Paris?
Brasilia?

And Other places -?

Mike Church once said to me -Mark be ware of the geographic cure -

Well - I think I understood his idea - But Canada was so the right place for me to come too - politically and socially - culurally -
with his 'reasoning' in mind - and fortifying my thoughts as to why I have actually come here - and why I plan to stay here -

I did not come for sheer geographic cure -
It was political and cultural and social
- and frankly - although with coming here for this in mind-
I did not realize how wonderful the experience - and new life would be -

It is really darn hard - but also - wow!
I also now I find myself with so many wonderful choices - it really is a whole new set of wows!

and a huge self control - direction and determination thing -

It's wonderful - and a bit scary - and hard -
most excellent things are no? OMG

anyway - have a good night - and truly -

make a fair decision for you -
and your future - and all stuff - you want now and down the line - it's a tough call - tap into all your resources -

perhaps - make a recognizance mission to just check things out -

perhaps where there might be some people you
may know -even if not so well -
so that you're not shocking yourself -
with such newness -

a newness that could add to the stress of the move -
and take away from the benefit - and the better
enjoyment of it you could have - despite the inevitable stress of it -

m

Happy 2006 too !

I went to bed at 9ish and woke up at 6 - one glass of port !- and a good walk in the morning! \:\)

this is my pattern mostly - and frankly - favorite!

although the best New Year's was spent at an observatory - looking at Hailey's Comet -
ok sounds pretensious - I didn't organize it -
I was just tagging along -but it was in the middle of no where - and just super -!

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#69597 - 01/04/06 12:39 PM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
OK, so this is true - it could sound like running away BUT...I will say that the first time I moved to Europe it WAS running away. I came back to try to give it a chance. My family of origin has been less a part of my life, and in fact, the gay family members that I cherished (in NYC) have all died of AIDS and I am the lone ranger now. My brothers and sister are all homophobic and have denied me any access to my nieces and nephew. Ridiculous? Of course it is especially when my perp was my brother who now has a daughter.

Moving now represents a clear "choice" between my own comfort/willingness to try to mame my life better here and wanting to just have a nice life full of friends who don't mind if I am gay.

While I was not in recovery when I was in Spain, things were a lot easier to cope with for some reason. Sexuality in Spain seems a lot less puritanical and the mentality of society as a collective group allow one to explore and enjoy sexual encounters without fear of rejection or judgement.

Hard to describe here and I am just waking up...butI will think seriously before relocating across the Atlantic again. I was 25 when I did it the first time and came back at 33. I am not 43 (almost 44) so the move wont be nearly as easy, I know.

Work wise, I will have to sacrifice a higher salary to be sure and that might just be the reason I DONT move again.

Suffice it to say, I have been thinking about this for some time. My life in Baltimore has made me somewhat negative about the possibility of ever meeting a guy I can fall for - and ironically, I have really begun to feel the me, alone is enough, really. I don't feel the quiet desperation that I had before.

I do long for human contact and intelligent conversation, but with time, I am sure I can find both. Thanks for your help, guys. I am not running anymore.

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#69598 - 01/04/06 12:57 PM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
haningon -

i will respond to this later -

mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#69599 - 01/04/06 05:00 PM Re: Brokeback Mountain viewing and romantic "triggers"
Dominic Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 43
Loc: Dallas
hanginon

It is easy to feel sufficated in an area that you live. I am in Dallas and at times I feel very sufficated here. I have been to NYC and Chicago and love the environment. NYC especially felt very free and open. I have often thought about moving there.

Markgreyblue made a great point. It will not be the same as it was when you were there. You are a different person now. In you last post you said that you were not in recovery then, so just be really clear about where you are emotionally and do as planned think about it before you make any decisions.

It is hard it seems like to me to find a Boyfriend, husband,man anywhere it seems like to me. When people ask me if I am seeing anyone I tell them I am chronically single. As much as I would like to think that will be different somewhere else I know it will not be. For me I think my difficulties have come from my recovery process. Essentially I am not ready to have a relationship and therefore not open to it, so I do not find anyone.

You sound like you are on the right track. This is not an easy decision to make but you will make the best decision for you.

_________________________
Dominic

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