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#69517 - 12/20/05 08:27 PM a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hanginon -

you came on to reach out - and i haven't heard much or seen much recently -

i thought of your words today

echoing as words certain words seem universal see
essential

i gave as much as i could and it wasn't return or appreciated -

right now i am let down - i feel those words i have felt before - that i read - in your last reach out -

inside me - stuck - and yet also - it is burnt and rubbed and kicked in -

the scar - and warning - don't love -

i can't -

i am changing - i feel a refugee here in TO now -

somewhat and becoming a bitter old fag

hopefully this time will pass - and i will regain

some outlook - but again -

right now - there is the fresh scar -

to never go back to believing in someone

even a friend whose intentions are best -

at a moment of vulnerability i aceded - and
was sorely let down -

i suppose it was the luck of that draw -

where i came from are monsters - or just sick people -

i won't go back or ever return -

if i can help it

m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#69518 - 12/20/05 08:30 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hanginon -

you came on a while back to reach out - and i haven't heard much or seen you around much recently -

i thought of your words today

echoing as words, certain words, seem universal seem
essential

'i gave as much as i could and it wasn't returned or appreciated' -

right now i am let down - i feel those words i have felt before -
that i read - in your last reach out -

inside me - stuck - and yet also -
it is burnt and rubbed and kicked in -

the scar - and warning - don't love -

i can't -

i am changing - i feel a refugee here in TO now -

somewhat and becoming a bitter old fag

hopefully this time will pass - and i will regain

some outlook - but again -

right now - there is the fresh scar -

to never go back to believing in someone

even a friend whose intentions are best -

at a moment of vulnerability i acceded -
and
was sorely let down -

i suppose it was the luck of that draw -

where i came from are monsters - or just sick people -

i won't go back or ever return -

if i can help it

m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69519 - 12/21/05 11:47 AM Re: a letter to hanginon
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
Markgreyblue,
i am sorry if i let you down? I have a hard time following your posting to me directly whether it is me who let you down or someone else in your "real" life (not cyber)...

Please clarify that. And know that I don't always visit this site on daily basis nor do I read everyone's messages or posts. I look for guidance sometimes just by reading other's posts and not responding. Sometimes I respond to others and rarely I post messages that I hope get a response.

Again, sorry for not understanding that you were expecting a response from me. I am here this morning looking for some new postings about others facing the holidays alone. I am going to be alone but will be fine, and will check back again to see if you have more information about what your message means.

Best,
John

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

Top
#69520 - 12/21/05 06:44 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
john - no it is not You who let me down at all -

it is just that -

I remembered what you wrote -
about your being let down in some sense -

and so your words came to mind -

and so I wrote this post to you -

just to tell you - I thought of you -
at this moment -

and I guess - I tried to
do just reach out to you - I am sorry - I was not let down at all by you -

It was just a moment -

and it is past - I just remembered you during that dark moment -

and I guess I am grateful - for the words of yours I rememberedd - they gave me -

a sense that I was not alone -

even though at the time I felt bitter and craggy -

anyway -

all's ok -

Mark -

does this make sense now?

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69521 - 12/21/05 06:47 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
I had a bad day - and so - i wrote a post in my
'state' to reach out -

and that was it -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69522 - 12/21/05 09:36 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
it is so wild how my writing is so driven by emotion -

if i use logic - i cannot write at all - well not nearly -

other times - when i really concentrate and edit - i can write quite nicely -

but that is when i have saved the energy up - and get into that habit of focusing and writing -

i blast it all out - and there's sometimes a lot of explanation missing -

whoops! hello - my mind it's liked canned peaches!

m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69523 - 12/23/05 04:36 AM Re: a letter to hanginon
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
mark,
i understand and am touched. it's a cosmic connection, i think because i just received some very good news at about the same time you were in "state"

i have been working so diligently at my profession trying to get to another level financially and i am in a top position at a small nonprofit

i just received word that i am being considered for a significantly larger organization and with a much better compensation package and staff support

if this comes through that sense of accomplishment is worth all the pain ihad to go through and that awful disappointing moment was in fact a traumatic wake-up call to get out of my current surroundings

anyway, in the end, after my terrible disappointments this year, i feel like a nominee for an Oscar when they say "i'm honored to be considered"

thanks for thinking about me - trust your gut

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

Top
#69524 - 12/23/05 05:49 AM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
wow - congratulations!

\:\)


nice going!

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69525 - 12/24/05 08:10 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hey hangin - i see you - a hug for you sir!

check out my post in the general section -

happiest of holidays -

it's great cause i get to say that to you!

\:\)
hugs-
Mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69526 - 12/28/05 05:55 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
John - I hope things are progressing well for
your candidacy for this new position -

I had an inclination to write you just now

as I remembered again something You said to Me -

about having a debtful few years - and putting time into regulating and getting that back in order -

I too am having a hard time in this arena -

the holidays and it's stress - has made me go for things - instant -

I have been spending more - and also
very sexual -

I guess the bigger issue though for me - has been

and is just now - the finances thing -

I suppose because I am a creative person -

and I love certain things - to be just so -

I find - I don't know - I guess I am seduced by beauty so often - a nice and competent sales person - someone who does their job so well -
it's just almost - like now life is seeming like
one big bath house -

well - I got what I wanted - \:\(

and so there is a kind of sadness -

but maybe I am tired - and wish I cannot cut myself off from desire - and I do not want to see the world as a big fuckover -

becuase - and impulse tells me to go live in a small town - somewhere - isolated - but fuck it -
not all shines -

and I cannot start believing it does -

I can have moments - (sorry at this point I am thinking out loud and trying to struggle with this
impulsive spending - because to me expression and creating beauty uggg)

fuck it - I don't know what to do about this -

I can only say - it is one of my patterns -
I am not perfect - I just have to think about
drawing in the strings again -

and make adjustments to this my tendency -

no one does finances perfectly - if they say they
do - they are fucking liars - the first to throw stones - it is seeming are the sinners of the first order so to speak !!
I didn't volunteer for anything too bad -

but maybe I need to find some other way of appreciating this art form - in a more viable way.

I am doing the best I can

and yeah - It was fun to spend but

I just need to protect me -and maybe not be self destructive financially - it's confusing -
being fabulous would seem to be self
appreciating - but perhaps only on the surface -
it's maybe has more depth to it - and compromise -

Thanks John - I just thought of you because you
had mentioned this -

I have no idea if your experience is like this
ever - but again - one of your honest comments
was a touchstone for me to feel ok about
admitting my stuff too - and taking heart that
I am not alone in that stuff

best -
Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69527 - 12/28/05 05:57 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
perhaps the 'elegant' expenditure is in fact
the highest form of appreciation ?

\:\)

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69528 - 12/28/05 05:58 PM Re: a letter to hanginon
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
that is efficiency of style and cost?

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
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