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#69502 - 12/17/05 08:02 PM trust.
puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
its so strange. i feel like im 3 years old and imlearning everything for the first time. being abused really screws up normal development. i dont think i ever learned about relationships and closeness and all that junk. it was just scary and easier to avoid. i always think of myself as too damaged or too untrusting or afraid to really have a meaningful relationship. ive tried, but i always screw it up somehow. that voice in my head is constantly telling me im not good enough, he will see through all the bullshit and realize who the real 'me' is and he will leave. its that constant fear of abandonment.
anyway. its funny. i gave up. i stopped trying. i told myself im not ready for a relationship so ill just put that idea aside and focus on becoming a healthier person. and then i met someone and it all changed. who knows where it will go. ive been down this road before, being excited and hopeful. but somehow its a little different this time.
i told him everything. i told him what happened to me and i didnt hold anything back. thats the first time ive ever done something like that with a guy i was interested in. its not because i trusted him either, i think it was temporary insanity or something. but i had to give up the 'faking it' act and really just put it all out there. this is who i am, take it or leave it. and to my complete surprise, hes still around. and i thought that id feel so uncomfortable and afraid, knowing that he knows. but i dont. i feel safe. he didnt run away and he doesnt think im a freak or a weirdo.
and the best part of this is that, even if he isnt 'mr right' and even if things dont work out, thats ok. because he showed me that the fear is all in my head. im my own worst enemy. but im learning to change that and trust myself more. because if he doesnt stick around, i know ill be ok. and i know now that i can be with someone who will truly accept who i am.

_________________________
pUpPy

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#69503 - 12/17/05 09:53 PM Re: trust.
chase-keith Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Northwest Arkansas
Wow. I just posted my first thing here and reviewed what was just recently posted and seen your message. I am currently a partner who was abused as a child and he has difficulty sharing with me his emotions. We have been together a little over a year now and wish I could know more about how you feeling and dealing with your issues. He also told me within days of what happened to him. As his feeling and love for me developed the intimacy died. I truely wish I could understand that more and perhaps you could share more with me. I know abandoment is an issue for him and by reading the book "Allies in Healing" I have learned behaviors to expect that otherwise I could have really been hurt. I am wondering why you feel you do not trust yourself. I wish I could personnaly talk with you more but I am unsure if that is acceptable here. He is getting couneling but shares ocassionally only superficial topics. I know he may be working on trust issues himself first, self esteem next. I reaffirm my love and committment to him daily.

Looking forward to talking with you more,
Keith


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#69504 - 12/17/05 09:54 PM Re: trust.
chase-keith Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Northwest Arkansas
My topic I posted was "Guidance Needed". Please take a look at it buddy.

Thanks,
Keith


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#69505 - 12/18/05 10:36 PM Re: trust.
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
"he showed me that the fear is all in my head."
Great insight there, Puppy. Hold onto that thought and you're already a long way down the path toward health and happiness.
Congratulations!

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#69506 - 12/21/05 12:54 AM Re: trust.
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
\:\)

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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