its so strange. i feel like im 3 years old and imlearning everything for the first time. being abused really screws up normal development. i dont think i ever learned about relationships and closeness and all that junk. it was just scary and easier to avoid. i always think of myself as too damaged or too untrusting or afraid to really have a meaningful relationship. ive tried, but i always screw it up somehow. that voice in my head is constantly telling me im not good enough, he will see through all the bullshit and realize who the real 'me' is and he will leave. its that constant fear of abandonment.
anyway. its funny. i gave up. i stopped trying. i told myself im not ready for a relationship so ill just put that idea aside and focus on becoming a healthier person. and then i met someone and it all changed. who knows where it will go. ive been down this road before, being excited and hopeful. but somehow its a little different this time.
i told him everything. i told him what happened to me and i didnt hold anything back. thats the first time ive ever done something like that with a guy i was interested in. its not because i trusted him either, i think it was temporary insanity or something. but i had to give up the 'faking it' act and really just put it all out there. this is who i am, take it or leave it. and to my complete surprise, hes still around. and i thought that id feel so uncomfortable and afraid, knowing that he knows. but i dont. i feel safe. he didnt run away and he doesnt think im a freak or a weirdo.
and the best part of this is that, even if he isnt 'mr right' and even if things dont work out, thats ok. because he showed me that the fear is all in my head. im my own worst enemy. but im learning to change that and trust myself more. because if he doesnt stick around, i know ill be ok. and i know now that i can be with someone who will truly accept who i am.