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#69461 - 12/10/05 12:18 AM very lonely today
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i have had a long day - and feel some desperation
at the solitude of my life,

i will seek others -

but i just hope i do not loose myself

and yet - i guess this is part of

humanity?

the wanting and yet - unknown dangers?

i can't wait to wake up and hug someone
again.

peace you guys - everybody.

love,

mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#69462 - 12/10/05 01:49 AM Re: very lonely today
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

I don't mind solitude when it is something I choose, but solitude that is imposed on us really sucks doesn't it? Yes, I do think sometimes that is just a part of life, but that's not the answer we want. I hope you find that someone special bro.

In the meantime, here is a ((((((((((hug)))))))))) from across the pond.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#69463 - 12/11/05 03:52 AM Re: very lonely today
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hugs mark, I just want you to know I am thinking abut you. Hope you are doing ok, and handling life ok too, I think u r great guy ok, love your friend mike

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#69464 - 12/11/05 04:04 PM Re: very lonely today
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Thanks Larry and Michael. Your replies are really nice.


It's Sunday, and for the first time in ages, I went to Church. I went to St. Paul's Anglican Church on Bloor Street East.

I sat there, and breathed in the quiet for a bit.

I felt an outsider at first, alone as the services had not started. But also because -
I was baptized Greek Orthodox and yet had mostly jewish neighbors, went to Catholic school and went to Bel Air Presbyterian as an adult for many years. ( I also studied Buddhism for 2 semeseters)

I definitely ascribe to a christian based life -
I feel the relations between us is what I choose to value - with you - each of you -

the money I have made is nothing - I would be dead if not for you all.


And so - I sat there - I recognized I felt an outsider - I collected some information - and
went to the smaller chapel where the early
service was to be held.

I listen, and felt an outsider -

But I knealed - and just felt the spirit of my golden retriever - tell me just lean your head on the pew in front - who cares what he is saying
it's been too long to be alone - it's been too fucking long -

I am going to lean my head like a dog on that pew and just feel at least the welcome -

I rested some and then started to listen -

I heard the words - but looked for meanings I felt ok with -

I heard encouragement and christ as a promise -
that even if your mind tells you that
you are not liked - or you choose to remember those words - of negativity -

Christ and the his life - was to say - look - this church is for you - this kingdom of
saints and community is to tell you -
to encourage
and reassure -
time and again
whenever you need-
to come heal

to not retreat into your mind -
and embrace the hurt -

but

to come out into the reality of thinking
you are valueable - which we are

essentially valuable -


it was nice -

there is space between us -
and we honor the forgiveness and the honoring of
mistakes and the room to try again.

I didn't take communion but I spoke to the
person who gave the sermon briefly -

the communion was too overwhelming to take -

but I may go back - for one - \:\)

I am glad the Queen has embraced Gay Marriage -
as Head of the Church of England this is marvelous -

Have a good Sunday friends -

Love -
Your brother as ever
Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69465 - 12/11/05 04:07 PM Re: very lonely today
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
I really love a humanity for each of us

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69466 - 12/11/05 06:53 PM Re: very lonely today
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mark that is a beautiful post. Hugs to you

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#69467 - 12/11/05 09:36 PM Re: very lonely today
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks Mike \:\)

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69468 - 12/11/05 11:05 PM Re: very lonely today
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Mark,

I'm moved by the depth of feeling and experience expressed in your posts on this thread. I understand. I marvel at your courage.

I wish you good things, Mark. I wish you all the things that you long for.

((((((((((Mark))))))))))

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#69469 - 12/12/05 12:45 AM Re: very lonely today
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks john

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#69470 - 12/12/05 01:08 AM Re: very lonely today
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Your experience in church today now becomes something for all of us to think about. Thanks for sharing that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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