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#6934 - 09/23/01 05:11 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
thanks jeremy.
yeah you are right i have to let my wall come crashing down. Have you seen Pink Floyd's "The Wall"? wow. really amazing movie.

i thought about what you said. i'm not really afraid of falling. everyone falls. i'm just araid of breaking my legs when i do. i'm afraid i won't get back up.

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#6935 - 09/23/01 05:25 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Anonymous
Unregistered


Jeremy,

Thanks for the quotes...even though I was having a hard time making all the connections (hehe).

I just love your remark at the end of your post:
Quote:
but this is the station my train of
thought pulled into...


Clever boy...I love it!

Don


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#6936 - 09/24/01 12:14 AM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Hi John,

I just wanted to say that I was thinking about you. I went on a retreat this weekend and found myself in a beautiful little chapel this morning. I said a prayer for you and all of my friends here at NOMSV.

God Bless,

Brian


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#6937 - 09/24/01 11:15 AM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Don, not all the quotes connected to our current situation (though a few of them are spot-on). I just realized that when I started listing them, that I should list them all.

So if you find the connections, you're a more astute observer than I.

Hey John, it's been a long time since I last saw Pink Floyd's "The Wall." You're right, it's a great film! Strangely, it's all the David Gilmour songs that I like the best, even though the majority of it is Roger Waters' baby. There are plenty of lessons to be learned from the film.

Your comments about falling remind me of what one of my Scoutmasters said, as I commented (while looking over the edge of a cliff we had backpacked to) that I was afraid of falling over it.

"Falling's not bad" "It isn't?" I asked incredulously.
"No, it's the landing you've got to worry about."

So now the question you have to ask yourself is, why do you fear not being able to get back up. Every one of us here has had our times when we've broken down, and felt like we can't go on.

But we're here, working through the most painful things in our psyche. What sane person WILLFULLY puts themselves through this shit??? The kind that wants to heal.

John, you've already shown amazing strength, merely by choosing to face this, and by dealing with it. Don't deny that strength! Whether or not you're used to seeing it, it is there. And it has helped you survive.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#6938 - 10/04/01 03:23 AM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
hey again. jeremy - i really like when you said (even though it was a week and a half ago) :

But we're here, working through the most painful things in our psyche. What sane person WILLFULLY puts themselves through this shit??? The kind that wants to heal.

-- makes more sense now than it did the first ime i read it. i know i want to heal. speaking of which, here's a little update... I saw a referal doctor on campus and he gave me 3 numbers of doctors. he said nothing about them having experience in male SA, but i didnt bring it up (that was something i only mentioned to the other lady i saw on campus before a few weeks ago). anyways, i figure i can ask the therapists themselves and maybe if they dont have experience, then ask them if they know someone who does. so anyway, today i called all 3 numbers, left messages. 2 called back. i have 2 appointments now within the week. one friday with a guy and one in a wednesday with a woman. i guess it's like another "intake" session or whatever where i just get to get a feel for the person. I'm a little nervous but I'm moving forward slowly.
Marie (the girl I've been talkin about) is still being a great help to me. She said something the other day that made me feel great. she said she wanted to marry me and have my babies. and she meant it. i'd be the happiest guy ever if that happens someday. and it might, just not now. we both understand that we are not ready to have a sexual relationship because of what i'm going through. she's stopped torturing herself about it (even though she still is attracted to me in that way), but i have just begun to torture myself about it. actually the whole thing about getting married and having babies calmed me down. she is wearily still playing the field (i try not to get very jealous - she gets jealous when i talk to other girls too). i don't mind if she does anythign though because she said tonight that whenever i am ready, sometime in the furture, she still will want to marry me and have my kids. damn that felt good to hear.
me and her (and 2 of her friends from UCLA - great people - i just met em but i love em) went to berkeley where Marie's home is this past weekend. Best time of my life. I wanna move there. We were in the "How Berkeley Can You Be" parade. we were dressed in lab coats and called ourselves the Young Republicans for Heterosexuals. It was all a big sarcastic joke thing because everyone up there is so left-wing and all. We were handing out fake pills to people that supposedly made pregnant women's soon-to-be babies turn out 100% heterosexual. Some people booed us but everyone knew we were just mocking other people who thought like that so it was all in good fun. The best was handing out the pills to lesbian couples, heh heh. We were right behind the all gay cheerleading squad too in the parade. most of them got a kick out of it too.
wow - long post huh?

oh yeah and Brian - i wanted to tell you thanks for your prayers. I can't tell you how much it means to me. One of my teachers asked us all last night at class if we had any heroes. I was the only one that raised my hand. I was thinking of you. Course I wouldn't have said why and no one knew who you were so i didnt even mention you when he asked me who my hero was, but just thought you should know that you came to mind first. Aparrently the guy wanted someone famous or something. I then thought of Carlos Santana. Just cause he went through all this male SA stuff too and he made it public and stuff (i read in the NOMSV newsletter on time). Plus he is a damn damn good musician. I have a lot of respect for him too.

holy shit this is gonan be a long post. ok well, take care everyone. I'll keep in touch. I love you guys,

-John
\:\)


ps - socaljohn--looking forward to meeting you whenever we can meet.

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#6939 - 10/04/01 01:19 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Quote:
Originally posted by Harry:
i know i want to heal. speaking of which, here's a little update... I'm a little nervous but I'm moving forward slowly.


Good for you, John! I'm glad that you're able to make progress. Best of luck to you in your therapy. I wish you all the strength you'll need as you face down the demons of your past.

Quote:

Marie (the girl I've been talkin about) is still being a great help to me


That is awesome that you've found someone that you trust, that you feel comfortable spending the rest of your lives together (when you're both ready for it). She sounds like an amazing young woman! Best of luck to the 2 of you.

Quote:
holy shit this is gonan be a long post.


Welcome to my world, John...

Quote:
ok well, take care everyone. I'll keep in touch. I love you guys,

-John
\:\)


It was really good to hear from you! Thanks for sending us an update on how great things are going right now. I can't help but notice the irony of these develpments being contained in a topic entitled "not worth reading." I hope that your story can help provide hope for others who find themselves in the dark places you've been.

I guess I should get on the phone now, and make my own appointment with my therapist. I've finally had a schedule change at work that will allow me to start the counseling, but it's been a bunch of phone tag so far.

Take care John, and everyone else too!

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#6940 - 10/07/01 02:23 AM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
Hi, my name's John and I'm drunk.
Now that i've introduced myself, i think you should know that I don't believe I am self-medicating myself by drinking. I am a college student. college kids drink. and if i do self-medicate myself, its not with alcohol. it'd be with caffeine. i've been taking caffeine filled pills every day because i feel better when i am awake. otherwise i am tired and that makes it easier for me to be a slacker, which i acnnot be because i have so much work to do. I'd rather live in a hospital and have everyone do everythign for me. well, maybe not. I was in a psychiatric hospital for a week when iw as a senior in high school and it was kinda fun and interesting, but i wouldnt go back to the kids hospital. i'd go to the adult one (cause i'm 20 now). then i think of the movie "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and i don't want to go somewhere like that. So i dont know if iw ant to go to a hospital anymore.

hmm, i thought i had a point to writing a post, but now that i think about it, i might not. i just wantyed to talk with you guys. it makes me feel comfortable and more at peace i guess. i dunno. i was full of rage earlier tonight, but it wore off after a lot of beer and i got tired. hmmm, i really want to just go to the conference this month in NY and live there and hang out with people that I can relate to. I won't be going. Don't have $ or an excuse for parents and whatnot. but i just want to belong somewhere. luckily i start therapy monday - well i have an intake anyways. and another one on wednesday. damn i need therapy.

i cut myself a couple nights ago. i'm not into self-mutilation, but i've tried it a coupel times. i hadnt doen it in like a year, but a few nights ago i did it again just cause.... i dont remember why. iw as thinking about doing it agian tonight. i'm too tired though. i was so angry for no reason earlier tonight that i needed to do somethign to get it out of me. but then again, repression is my speciality in life. I'm sure it is a lot of your guy's speciality too. too bad we aren't normal, huh? no wait, i dont wanna bring you guys down. you guys are normal. you just got shitty luck. i, ont he other hand, am the epitimy of the shit of the world.
now i know you guys are all gonna tell me i am not, so i take back what i said. i just feel FUBAR (fucked up beyond all repair - or somethign like that). if there is a chance of repair, i hope it happens soon, cause i dont wanna suffer anymore. i know none of you guys does. i wish i had nothing holding me back from suicide -- but i have lots (family/friends ect.) god what a fucked up life we have to live. its not our fault - we got dealt a shitty hand, but god... why us? are we stronger than other people? is that why we were given these pieces of shit lives? even when i am in a good mood i have too much shit that i am behind in that makes it impossible to enjoy my good mood. too mch shit. i wish i wasn tin school. then i might be able to fight this deression more. then again, its not school's fault. it's my mind's. It's all in my mind. It's all in my mind. It's all in my mind.
damn.......
i just need someone to tell me what to do, and to make sure i do it. cause i probably cant do anythign that will help me on my own. I dont think i am capable of helping myself. i need therapy, but i cant make myself think that therapy will solve all my problems. cause it wont, right? it hasnt for you guys anyways. sure, it'll help. but will i need more help than that? is enough help available? if it is, will i be strong enough to go get it?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.


NOPE!

-john

-ps-sorry if this makes no sense - as i said, i am a little drunk.

i love you guys. \:\(

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#6941 - 10/07/01 05:42 AM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
John
Hi it's me fmighell in alaska.
Have a good night sleep. You don't have to keep the pain, because it's over, it happen a long time ago. It's just memory's now.
And if you have a headach take two asperins.
Let us know that you made it through the day,
O.K.
may the peace of the Lord be with you
fmighell anc ak

[ October 08, 2001: Message edited by: fmighell ]


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#6942 - 10/07/01 05:43 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
jwh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
Harry,

In replying to your post I feel like I am replying to a younger version of myself. The rage, the getting rid of it with alcohol, the cutting (or thoughts of it), the suicidal ideation, the rationalizations about self-medicating--I've been there. And I definitely relate to feeling fucked up beyond all repair. The words I would use were "damaged" or "lost" and I was convinced that, for me, these would always describe me.

These words/feelings do not describe me now, and they do not have to describe you. It's great that you are going to therapy. Don't give up on yourself, and don't give in to all of the self-abusive thoughts spinning in your head. Your rage is a healthy response to an insane situation. Unfortunately, that response has most likely been trapped for years, and now springs out for no apparent reason.

Fight for yourself. We're here for you.

Jeff

_________________________
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

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#6943 - 10/07/01 10:34 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Anonymous
Unregistered


John,

The fact that you have a therapy appointment scheduled for Monday (tomorrow?) is validation that a strong voice within knows what you need to be doing. Although this is an intake interview, it is important to provide the counselor with as much information as possible in the amount of time that you have. In fact, you may wish to print out these posts and take them in, as your writings and ramblings have some pretty clear messages about what's going on for you.

You're right...it is pretty typical for students in college to utilize alcohol. That said, I know that a part of you knows that this is ultimately no long-term solution to the bad hand that has been dealt you.

Besides therapy, something else that you might think about is to make some healthy and personal connections with folks on campus. As an example, maybe you have a favorite professor whose lectures "speak" to you in some way and for whom you have personal regard. Just stopping by after class and telling him or her that you enjoyed the class, that you found it thought-provoking, etc. can be an important beginning. I know...I am a professor (who is also a sexual abuse survivor). I am teaching because I love it...and because the Universe put me there to extend the hand of friendship to folks just like you who need more than to have me fill their heads with "stuff!"

You were smart enough to find your way to this forum, John, and this is a great place to find support and to gather confidence as well as important information. My sense is that all around you there are kindred spirits who need you as much as you need them. All you need to do is to be open to their genuine love and concern.

Please stay connected and let us know how it's going!

Don


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