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#69344 - 11/13/05 09:24 PM Re: What did I do wrong?
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
(An aside to Larry) You're welcome. It was intended as a serious compliment. Some (not all) gay men have strong reasons to distrust straight guys; your advice to Chuck proves to me that you are a man of good heart and some hard earned wisdom. --- Chuck, how you doin' today, man?
Best regards

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#69345 - 11/13/05 11:04 PM Re: What did I do wrong?
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
My experience with some of the websites has been that the men are not necessarily looking for the same thing I am (or was).

As a parallel comparison, one can almost relate it to coming out of a different closet.

I don't believe any of us are damaged. I love the title of a book by Daniel Jay Sonkin, Ph.D. called, Wounded Boys Heroic Men.

You havn't done anything wrong. I'm guessisng that he wasn't emotionally ready to handle what your story meant for you, for him, and for a possible relationship if that's where the dating was leading. You are not defective in any way. I can say this with certainty without even having met you because I don't believe any of us are defective.

Perhaps it's good that you pulled your ad. Give it some time; possibly try some different avenues for meeting others.

Best regards,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#69346 - 11/14/05 07:21 PM Re: What did I do wrong?
igotsunshine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/05
Posts: 12
Loc: pakistan
I've been seeing someone about a month, and yet in the past few days I'm beginning to realise I might have been abused, and there was already sexual pressure in this relationship. Now I dont really want to deal with sex, its a bit too much. But he's a nice guy and I dont know what to do. I know I'm isolating and he knows that i'm going through a rough time but I dont know what to tell him. I'm not sure I want to stop seeing him but I want a break from the sexual pressure(which is mostly my own pressure)


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#69347 - 11/15/05 04:20 PM Re: What did I do wrong?
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
consider telling him what you just told us. Not too much info all at once, but enough so that he knows that you know that your tendency is to isolate when facing certain kinds of pressure. Ask him to be patient and to take things at the pace you are willing to set and be comfortable with. Sounds to me like you have enough self awareness to come through this rough patch eventually as a healthy, heroic survivor. Lots of luck.

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

Top
#69348 - 11/15/05 06:37 PM Re: What did I do wrong?
igotsunshine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/05
Posts: 12
Loc: pakistan
He came over this evening and I told him. he said he understood and that he was willing to wait. That kind of aggravated me because i know my sexual issues wont be resolved in a month or two, so I dont want "waiting" pressure. I've realized I actually like physical intimacy(that happened today) and affection but sex is a bit much. After years of just hardcore sex and objectifying sex with men this had so many more layers...its funny, makes you feel loved, attractive, attracted...its an oh wow feeling


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#69349 - 11/15/05 08:44 PM Re: What did I do wrong?
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
continue to be patient with yourself. "He" seems like an intelligent guy, and the physical intimacy (short of "full blown" sex)(excuse the pun) was good for you. The rest may (or may not) come with time, but enjoy what you can and be grateful, without putting additional pressure on yourself or your partner. Nature will take simply take its course in due time if neither party applies too much "pressure" on the journey (which IS more important than the destination). Keep smiling. Somebody loves you, just the way you are. Best regards,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

Top
#69350 - 11/16/05 05:34 AM Re: What did I do wrong?
igotsunshine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/05
Posts: 12
Loc: pakistan
I'm sorry I'm belaboring the point. I'm also thinking of him and his physical needs. I was almost tempted to tell him if he needed to fulfill that elsewhere he could, but i didnt...I guess it comes down to trust.


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#69351 - 11/18/05 05:11 PM Re: What did I do wrong?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
You know, Chuck,everything about our society teaches us to run at the first sign of trouble. I think you're very fortunate to be rid of this particular guy. The last thing in the world you want is someone who couldn't handle who you are. And, by the way, it's a pretty sure thing that down the road you would have discovered the thing in his life that was causing all of his problems, too. No one is problem free. The difference is that you would have tried to understand them and work it all out, because that's what people who love each other do.
The sad thing is that we are all someone else's frog. I know I have been a frog several times. But then, once in awhile, someone sees you as a prince, and that makes it all okay. Rejection hurts no matter what the reason, and this wonderful gift we have been given by our SA makes it hurt even worse, I think, because we have a special open wound where rejection is concerned.
So easy for me to say, and so hard for me to do, but don't hesitate to date again. You obviously have a lot to offer, and it's not you who lost out when that potential relationship broke up, it was him. He ran (hopped?) because that was the easy thing to do. He'll do it again and again until he stays with some unlucky guy....until the going gets rough....and the going always gets rough.
Never have believed in "the one for you". I think there are lots of potential partners for all of us. They're out there, Chuck, and one of them is going to be lucky enough to find you.


Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#69352 - 11/20/05 02:40 AM Re: What did I do wrong?
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11178
Loc: Denver, CO
Chuck,

Quote:
How could I have been so dumb or vulnerable again to expect that I wouldn't be hurt.
Actually, you were being honest. You said it yourself earlier in the post. I see nothing dumb about being honest with someone, especially when forming a deep relationship with them.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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