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#69328 - 11/04/05 07:14 PM this is so weird
beginning108 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 24
I've been protecting my father against myself for so long it hurts, it seems like i'm in some freakish way addicted to this self image and this hating myself in order to protect myself from "myself" but that "myself" has nothing to do with me and is just what i was informed i was by my...father, his stupidities, his denial, and his abuse, his crap that wrapped him up so much that i believed it was me?! vile. it's amazing how wrapped up in it you can be, a form of blindness instilled by past abuse...now i'm sounding like the books i read...but it's true. it's hard to listen to yourself. the image i hate is my father, try loving that, haha! this is so fucked.


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#69329 - 11/04/05 08:05 PM Re: this is so weird
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beginning108,

I so hear you on this one bro. As you begin to deal with all this crap in a serious way, the inevitable result is that you see how deeply and profoundly abuse has messed up your perceptions of yourself, your past, and the world. It's frightening and yes..."this is so fucked", as you say.

But stick with it. It's difficult and probably the most difficult thing you will ever do, but all the mess you are working through you will finally clear away. You will be so much more at peace, and you will see and accept yourself as you really are - not responsible for any of the things that were done to you.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#69330 - 11/04/05 10:01 PM Re: this is so weird
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Ah, Beginning...the first realization and perhaps the most important one: "this is so fucked". Once you have realized that, you can start unraveling and unfucking it. It takes time, and you will find that each of us is fucked in a different, yet somehow same way. (Thank you for this. I think I just needed to say "fuck" a lot today.) You sound to me like you have a pretty amazing understanding of what's going on in your head. You read some really good books.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#69331 - 11/09/05 06:19 PM Re: this is so weird
beginning108 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 24
i guess this is just the beginning, guess this is just the structure that will be filled in--this is WORK... \:\)


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#69332 - 11/09/05 10:45 PM Re: this is so weird
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Beginnig,
I connect with the blindness that you write about, because at times I still feel that blindness. I question myself many times because it so difficult to wrap my mind around this, that a father could use his son in this way and not feel any remorse or could justify this to himself. He amused himself at my benefit, because I did not fight back, I must be consenting to his abuse. How screwd up is that thinking??? So you are not alone in this quest to work towards recovery inspite of all the insanity that one encounters especially in wondering how this could happen to a child.


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