I so hear you on this one bro. As you begin to deal with all this crap in a serious way, the inevitable result is that you see how deeply and profoundly abuse has messed up your perceptions of yourself, your past, and the world. It's frightening and yes..."this is so fucked", as you say.
But stick with it. It's difficult and probably the most difficult thing you will ever do, but all the mess you are working through you will finally clear away. You will be so much more at peace, and you will see and accept yourself as you really are - not responsible for any of the things that were done to you.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)